Center Spread

Senioritis Study Proves Disease Unavoidable for College Students

What if I told you that there was a pandemic raging across our entire country at this very minute. Would you believe me? Common cold and Flu season may be behind us, but currently, the medical world is confronting a new onslaught of cases involving a precarious breed of illness. And no I’m not talking about Bieber Fever.

Senioritis, or senuritus maximus when rooted in Latin, is a highly communicable and contagious disease that is sweeping through colleges nationwide; it is a very real threat. While the origin of this sickness is unknown, many believe it was first contracted amongst Italian students and scholars during the Renaissance, when education and higher learning were at its peak. When Italian immigrants flocked to the United States in the early 1920’s, they brought with them the disease and unintentionally transmitted it throughout America’s public and private schools. The trait has since been passed down to our grandparents, parents, and now our generation. That’s right—you! Next time you look in the mirror, take time to admire your disease ridden body.

Fortunately, though many of us are carriers of the illness, it will lie calmly at bay until about age 21-22, when it begins to wage war with our Immune System. In some cases, some begin to notice symptoms at age 19, though the medical world denies these claims, saying they are merely Summeritis, a much lesser form of illness though similar in quality.

So how can you know for sure if you’re showing signs of Senioritis or not? German scientist Dr. Schnitzel VonStruzzel has dedicated years of study and research to this topic. I was lucky enough to catch up with him and ask him a few questions at the Communicable Disease Convention forum last weekend.

Von Struzzel claims that 4 out of 5 students will show signs of the disease before they finish graduating college. To put in comparison, that is the same ratio of dentists that recommend Trident gum to dental patients. Symptoms according to Von Struzzel’s study include, but are not limited to, laziness, lack of motivation, loss of will power, and declining grades. In rare cases, flunking out of college may occur as well. While most illnesses thrive in the cold, Senioritis thrives in the early Spring months, when the doldrums of winter are behind us and the weather gets enticingly warmer.

Though Dr. Von Struzzel has a patented drug to help lessen symptoms, side effects are drastic including blood clotting, dizziness and for males, an erection lasting more than four hours. Because of this, the drug is not available in the United States. Von Strruzzel claims the only cure is time. Student’s symptoms typically last 4-8 weeks and are completely healed. So if you’re currently experiencing symptoms there’s really nothing you can do. For underclassmen, Von Struzzel recommends to stop caring now in order to preserve needed will power to finish school your last year. For upperclassmen, we can only hope to weather the storm and pray to come out on the other side.

Contrary to the influenza and the common cold, Senioritis is at its peak when the days are warm and the sons are bright.

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