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Totally Legitimate Eastern Residence Hall Facts

        If you ask people why they chose to come to Eastern University, their typical answer would be about the beauty of the campus grounds or Shane Claiborne/Tony Campolo/Duffy Robbins. Some might even say how good looking Gough and/or Sparrowk appears to be. But what everyone does not know, might surprise them.

        For example, did you know that Eastern pumps fresh oxygen mixed with the scent of melons into the fourth floor of Gough? Sources say that it is to keep it light and airy up there, but it has been noticed that it increases the desires to live on that hallowed hall. Witnesses have even noticed that the showers flow with Fiji water.

        The dorm building most filled with the presence of God is that of Eagle. His presence is so heavy there that the building is literally sinking into the ground from His weight.  In contrast, Hainer is the location of an international study of raising buildings above the ground. Scientists believe that by the year 2025, Hainer will be about 10 meters in the air.

        One of the reasons people fight over the Gallup apartments (yes, really fight) is because each one comes with its very own house elf. However, the Hainer apartment and Doane’s sex-flex come with a gnome – sometimes more than one. Sources allege that during the summer months, these gnomes and elves have ultimate frisbee tournaments in the rec gym. The spectators are usually the trolls of Kea-Guffin, admissions counselors and conferences.

        Some say that while in Hainer basement after midnight, the ghost of Eastern’s radio station (WEUR) can be heard coming through every computer. Even Walter Cronkite’s famous interview with Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson has been heard on it.

        If you ever break a mirror in the dance studio, then beware! The glass actually contains a world of opposites called Bryantland.  In Bryantland, it is always opposite day. There are even opposites of Janine and David Bryant, but the David wears flowing dresses and Janine wears dapper suits. There is even a Theremin and a nose-flute.

        Underneath the stage in McInnis there is a David Bowie, Escher-style Labyrinth (which is actually more of a maze, but that is a different article). Located in this mystical land are numerous creatures, both good and evil. It is a loose representation of Alice’s Wonderland. The most vile of these creatures is the Spiderfish. It is part Shelob, part giant silverfish. It is awful! When it cannot find humans to satiate its appetite, it feeds off of the plans to build a student center. Dr. John Pauley is the only person known to have survived an attack.

        Eastern University is land of beauty and wonder, full of surprises and great creatures. So go on, admire the trees in this nice spring weather. Just do not forget to look a little closer at what you are actually seeing around you.

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