Eastern to purchase V.F.M.A. and Cabrini properties

Indiana Jones is one of the greatest fictional characters of all time–but is he? Fictional, that is. Indiana Jones first appeared on the big screen in 1981. In the film’s opening scene, Dr. Jones is shown teaching a college anthropology class. His female students swoon every time he turns to write on the blackboard or

Eastern has weathered its fair share of crises in the past. The school has survived blizzards, floods (both inside and outside of residence halls), sickness and tiny coffee cups in the Dining Commons. But never in the history of the University has there been a crisis like this. Eastern has officially been overrun by zombies.

An unexpected scandal left the sports world shocked as boxing legend and hero Rocky Balboa tested positive for the banned substance EOT, commonly referred to as “Eye of the Tiger.” EOT is one the most potent and well-known music-enhancement agents. As cases of music-montage abuse continue to surface, people are left flattened. Balboa is the

Students taking Bible and Theology classes in the near future will notice a major change in the curriculum. Starting April 1, Eastern will adopt a new translation of the Holy Bible. Given the recent popularity of “lolcats,” a genre of art that includes a photo of a cat and a phonetically spelled caption, professors agree

 Several Walt Disney movies have been transformed for the Broadway stage, including “Beauty and the Beast,” “The Lion King” and “The Little Mermaid.” The next Disney classic to get the theater treatment will be “Pinocchio,” set to premiere in New York this summer. At the front of the cast is Eastern’s own chaplain, Dr. Joe

Water dripping from the ceiling, mildew and asbestos creeping up from the floor, complete lack of electricity and a total exodus. Does this remind you of anything? Thanks to a duct-tape masterpiece, residents of Kea-Guffin are paying the price: They may lose their precious residence hall. The main question is, “Is it really worth it

Dear Wilma, I have a job interview tomorrow and I have no idea what to wear! Please help me! –Sleepless in Sparrowk Sleepless in Sparrowk, I usually wear the same thing everyday–a little black-and-white dress drawn with a paintbrush tool–so I’m not exactly an authority in this area. When I applied for the job of

Lisa Simpson awaits EU acceptance letter

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