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World shocked as Philly icon “knocked out” after testing positive

An unexpected scandal left the sports world shocked as boxing legend and hero Rocky Balboa tested positive for the banned substance EOT, commonly referred to as “Eye of the Tiger.”

EOT is one the most potent and well-known music-enhancement agents. As cases of music-montage abuse continue to surface, people are left flattened.

Balboa is the most recent and prominent figure to fall from grace since Daniel Larusso, the Karate Kid.

After Larusso became the best, another music scandal took him down.

Cobra Kai released an official statement saying, “How is someone supposed to lose when you hear Joe Esposita singing that ‘he’s the best around’? It’s just not fair.”

“I remember kicking him right in the stomach, but something was different this time,” the evil bully said. “Nothing was gonna take him down.”

Principal Richard Vernon has seen the impact that famous role models have on today’s generation.

“I’ve had the displeasure of seeing the consequences in my own students,” Vernon said. “Just the other day, students from a club about breakfast skipped out of detention. They went on to learn about life issues while causing mischief along the way. It was terrible.”

The Cleveland Indians remain under investigation, despite star pitcher Ricky Vaughn being proven innocent of excessive use of “Wild Thing.”

Vaughn’s sudden improvement was not a result of “Wild Thing” abuse, but corrected vision from glasses. This remedy has been removed from the banned list after further FDA testing.

The news of Balboa’s rule infringements surfaced only days after the first case of female montage abuse.

The allegations began when Dr. Houseman accused his own daughter’s dancing of being both “dirty and cheating.” Frances “Baby” Houseman refused to answer questions … in a corner.

Side-effects of montage abuse include but are not limited to: the urge to run up a lot of stairs, paralysis onset by dramatic victory or jumping in the air soon followed by credits, terrible sequels, and potential death … to acting careers; once reaching the nineties.

The American icon, Balboa, is singing a new tune as evidence against him continues to mount. Earlier, Balboa’s lawyer suggested pleading guilty.

“If you stop this fight, I’ll kill you,” Balboa said.

But, with growing evidence, including accusations of SM use, commonly referred to as “Slow Motion,” Balboa seemed to have a change of heart. He offered what some are calling an apology.

“If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change,” Balboa said with fervor.

Fellow boxing icon and long-time rival Mr. T said he had nothing to say to Balboa.

When asked about the growing reports of music montage abuse in sports Mr. T simply said, “I pity the fools.” 

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