WASHINGTON, DC — At a campaign stop at Eastern University’s Holy Week chapel, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump announced his plan to run for the Eastern University presidency after suspending his own campaign for the U.S. Presidency.
Trump excited students during the hour-long service in which he introduced his new campaign. “Eastern University doesn’t win anymore,” the presidential candidate yelled, flecks of spittle landing on the faces of his most committed followers. “That’s the truth – we don’t win. I’m sorry, but that’s just the truth,” Trump stated as chapel attenders erupted in loud, angry boos.
“But we can be better people. And we will be. We are going to make Eastern University Great Again!” shouted Trump to widespread applause and approval.
After his speech during the Holy Week chapel service, Donald Trump held a forum in McInnis Auditorium where students and faculty had the opportunity to ask Mr. Trump questions about his policy and beliefs. Jessica Figueroa, a senior at Eastern University, began the forum. “Mr. Trump, it is a pleasure to welcome you here to our school. We are all big fans. Our only worry is that you might not get support from every denomination. What do you think about that?”
“I think that’s false,” responded Trump. “You know, a lot of people love me. A lot of people. They love me. They just do. The Baptists love me, the Episcopalians love me, the Eastern Orthodoxians love me, and the Evangelicals, don’t even get me started on how much they love me. I’d say that even some of the Catholics love me. And it makes sense. After all, in One Thessaonians 13:57, Jesus says, ‘Love everyone, especially the best and richest among you.’ I think he’s right,” Trump added with a wink.
Throughout the forum, Trump laid out several policies that, upon his election, he would establish immediately. “First things first,” Trump explained. “We need to deal with Cabrini. Their students come to this campus. They are reckless. They spread their socialist theology. And you can understand, their boss is terrible and not a very good Catholic,” Trump stated, referring to Pope Francis. “They’re sending their worst: they’re pot smokers, they’re justice seekers, and some, I assume, are good people. It’s terrible. So we have got to act. And you know what we’re going to do? We are going to build a wall. It’s a going to be a big wall, a beautiful wall, a big, beautiful Christian wall. And Cabrini is going to pay for it,” spluttered Trump to wild cheers from students and faculty.
“Second, we need to eliminate certain professors and departments and classes. I don’t care how, but we have to stop the bad people. We are going to get rid of Faith and Economic Justice. It teaches bad things. It makes us weak. We are going to replace it with Why Capitalism is Good for American Christians 101.
“Finally,” continued Trump to exuberant applause, “we need to raise tuition and lower student wages. The minimum wage is too high. We need to go lower, no matter what it takes, and then we are going to win! Then we need to develop new marketing strategies and become a for-profit school. We need Eastern University hats, Eastern University neckties, Eastern University condiments. Forget faith. Forget reason. Forget justice. Stop the political correctness. Together we are going to Wake ^ the World and Make Eastern University Great Again,” shouted Trump to widespread euphoria.
After answering questions, Trump baptized several students and faculty members with his own, name-brand Trump Springs bottles.
Several students had comments about Trump’s presence at Eastern University. “I think that what he is saying is really great. I just don’t know if we align theologically,” stated Andrew Kauffman, a senior at Eastern University. Jackson Curreri chimed in, “I like Trump. I like that he brings new ideas. But I think I’d rather have someone else as president of my alma mater. I would prefer a 74-year old Democratic Socialist Jew.”
Shane Witzer 
Hannah Bonanducci