Center Spread

The Waltonion: Eastern Mobilizes Task Force to Remove Rogue Robins

ST. DAVIDS, PA — Robins. These little bundles of feathers have been appearing all over campus since the start of spring. Up until now they have meant us no harm, but recently they have started to fly inside and overpopulate the many buildings on campus. Some of the more shocking sights have been seeing a whole flock of them at the Jammin Java, seeing them cover the entire area of McInnis Hall’s room 109, and seeing dozens of them nesting in residence halls.

The first sighting of one of these birds indoors was by Elise Sweigart, a resident of Kea. Sweigart says “I saw the little guy flying all around me and my roommates’ window. I decided to let it in, because birds are cool. The next day it brought some friends.” Anthony Barr, a resident of Kea, claims “I first noticed there was something different about [the robins’] behavior when I started to see them all inside the Breezeway. I knew things were serious, [the next day], when I found a ton of them in my room.”

In response to this crisis, Eastern University has mobilized a new task force to remove these birds. They are the Rogue Robin Removers (3Rs). While they have a very complex seven stage six part plan in order to successfully get rid of all the robins, they have several things they urge students and professors to do in order to keep this crisis from getting worse. Above all, they want students to keep their residence hall windows closed, and make sure no robins fly in through any open doors. The 3Rs also want students to make sure their student I.D. is on their person, because, recently, security found a robin inside the Gough entry hall with a student’s I.D. in its beak.

Last week, The 3Rs Task Force held a conference in McInnis Auditorium. There, students were encouraged to express how they felt about the robins’ appearance en masse all over campus. Katie Risley, a freshman, made some very passionate remarks during this conference:, “Kill them! Kill all the birds! They’re so evil!” Randy Way commented, “I think we just don’t understand these birds. Maybe they’re just trying to figure out their place in the world, like we all are. We should be supportive of their choice to want to explore our school unique buildings.” Before the Task Force had time to ask for any more opinions, everyone in the auditorium was attacked by a whole swarm of those birds, and they forced the audience out of McInnis Hall.

Some of Eastern’s faculty members have decided to take matters into their own hands, should these robins attempt to invade their buildings. The music professors in Workman Hall have hired a skilled flute player to consistently play the same high pitched note during all of the classes happening that day. This not only deters most birds from Workman Hall, but it also deters music students who have no real drive for music and just want to play an instrument so they can impress their significant other. In addition to this, the dining commons staff members are threatening to french toast the birds, if any of them dare to make their way into the kitchen. This has not only frightened away the robins, but it also frightened away most students.

Stay tuned for a follow-up report on the next move of the 3Rs Task Force.

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