Center Spread

A Brief Guide to Singleness on Valentine’s

With Amateur Lover Alex Kraft

Having spent a world record 21 straight Valentine’s Days all by my lonesome (Okay, I made that up. The world record part I mean. I know my life is sad), I feel I’m more than qualified to talk on this subject. Rather than sit around fielding smug stares and comments like “Don’t worry you’ll find someone” all day from your relationship friends, make this a day to remember. You can choose to organize a massive anti-Valentine’s day revolt with other single friends. Stage a sit-in by booking all the seats at your local fancy restaurant and smile as couples scramble to find reservations elsewhere.

Perhaps your ambitions are less sweeping, and you would rather protest alone. You could always sit on Instagram flagging every couples’ photo you see as spam. For your reasoning, just select “I don’t like this photo” (which is an actual option they give you) and leave it at that. Order the most beautiful bouquet of flowers or most delectable box of chocolates on the market and have them sent to yourself along with a note that says something along the lines of you’re great and “don’t worry you’ll find someone.” You may also choose to flaunt your financial freedom by making an exorbitant purchase to show off to your friends before immediately regretting it when you realize that was the last of your Chipotle money. Or flaunt your actual freedom (with no dates to constrain you) and take a road trip somewhere far away. Perhaps you will like this new place better, and you can join a new society with a new identity and new name where they don’t know about the fact that you sent yourself flowers for Valentine’s Day.

Or you could just, I don’t know, enjoy a day with friends and loved ones. And if all else fails there’s always Tinder.

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