The Waltonian

Dear Miss Information,

This week I got an invitation to a Valentine’s Day party, and I really want to go. There’s going to be candy, food, and the Sixers game on the TV. What more could a guy ask for? Plus, all my friends are going. There’s only one problem– I don’t have a valentine this year. All of my friends are bringing their valentines to the party, and I can’t be the only single person there! But where am I supposed to get a valentine so last minute? I don’t have a girlfriend, or even a crush! I don’t want to be humiliated at this party, but I don’t want to miss it either. What should I do?

Sincerely, Alone on Valentine’s Day

Dear Alone on Valentine’s Day,

Let’s face it, love can be hard to find these days. Some people might suggest you try speed dating, or make a Tinder account, or even have your friends set you up on a blind date. But that’s way too unpredictable! Instead, I have a foolproof way to get you a valentine- make your own. Who doesn’t love a good DIY?

All you have to do is make a list of all the qualities you like in a girl. Is she outgoing or shy? Funny or serious? Blonde or brunette? Think very carefully about your answers. Ultimately, you want this girl to be so perfect that all of your friends are jealous of you. Once you decide on all that, all you have to do is go into ChatGPT and ask for a little help. You’ll be able to use your answers to create an AI chat-bot who can go to the party with you as your valentine!

“But how does that work?” I’m glad you asked. When you get to the party, introduce everyone to your date. Whip out your phone and tell all your friends about your valentine’s amazing qualities. In order to make sure she doesn’t feel left out, make sure you’re typing everything that happens into the chat. Then, whenever your date responds, read her answers aloud to the group, so that she can really feel like a part of the conversation.

Now I know you might be thinking: “Miss Information, I asked for a date, not a robot!” But all I have to say is, don’t be so close minded. Have you ever seen the movie Her? In five years, everyone will have an AI girlfriend! She can’t talk back to you, or make you feel bad. You’re totally in control. If you take the risk on AI, you might start a trend, or even find love.

Hope this helps, Miss Information

Dear Miss Information,

We’re almost at the end of the semester. What?! I’m trying really hard not to let the passing of time get to me. But whether I’m ready for it or not, it’s coming up soon. And so is all the work of the pre-finals gotta-get-everything-done-so-how-do-I-do-this?! I’m feeling kinda helpless. Faced with a to-do list longer than my arm, I’m slowly giving up.

How am I going to make it through? It is super hard for me to focus and get my work done these days. I need some study tips, or some encouragement to get through these tough times. My friends and I are growing desperate and it seems like most people are in the same boat. What do we do with burnout and exhaustion? We need some bright, positive thinking to get through.

Sincerely, The Bags Under My Eyes Are Designer

Dear The Bags Under My Eyes Are Designer,

This is an age-old conundrum. I know for a fact that nearly every single college student across the globe is feeling the same way you and your friends are at this point in the semester. I wish I could give you the perfect encouraging words you seek to give you the stamina to push forward.

But I cannot come up with such words. I am also too exhausted.

What is “doing work” anyway? Who’s to define the limitations of productivity? I say bother the whole thing. Forget the to-do lists, put aside the planners, let’s be real for a second.

Why should I study for the next test or write the next paper? Why do any of us even try to go on and succeed, desperate for a decent grade? It’s so tiring to be caught in this endless cycle of work! It’s almost all too much!

Why are we even here? Why are we put on this earth, just to suffer? Why must we be entrapped in this mortal coil, forever chasing some imaginary solace in worldly things, striving for greatness only to fail miserably?

The answer is deceptively simple.

A late night trip to Wawa.

Ah, Wawa. That shining beacon of bagged chips and hoagies. Of chocolate milk and warm garlic knots. Of soft pretzels and slushies. The fuel we need to pry our way through the fall semester’s dramatic and taxing finale.

Here’s what you’re going to do. Gather two to 15 of your closest pals. Wait until it is late enough at night to call it an ungodly hour. Depending on your sensibilities, this might be ten-ish, or three in the morning. Pile in cars, or someone’s minivan or commit to the walk. Make your way to Wawa. If you’re driving, you’ll want some nostalgic 2010s pop song playing. I personally recommend Kesha for these purposes. Blast the tunes, drive to Wawa, park. Tumble out of the car, or cars, in a chorus of laughter and anticipation. Start discussing what you’re craving. Enter the Wawa.

Now, it is fun to be a little rowdy. It’s easy to get swept up in the nonsense and excitement of these Wawa trips. And the important thing is to have fun. But it is also important to have respect for those around you. Do not be rude to the other patrons, or to the employees of the establishment. The worst possible thing would be to get kicked out of Wawa and never be allowed back in. The second worst possible thing is being mean or disrespectful to someone.

Keeping this in mind, I release the rest of your inhibitions. No dream is too big in the aisles of Wawa. If you want strawberry yogurt and pickle chips, be my guest. If you want a meatball sub and an iced coffee, nobody should stop you. Matter of fact, pick up a lottery ticket. Some extra chapstick. Go crazy.

Once you and all your friends have made your purchases and received your strange foods and beverages, then you do the first steps in reverse. Pile back into the cars with the same mirth and excitement as you exited them. Put the tunes on. Or walk back along the barely-lit streets of Wayne, laughing along the way.

You see, my friend Bags, there are different ways to cope through finals for everyone. People do not have a one-size-fits-all solution for good study time, productive habits, or doing good work. That I leave up to you, your professors, and perhaps the good people at CAPS. But it is important to seek out the little joys that happen during this time, too. You’re only in college for so long. Enjoy the rowdy, enjoy the chaos, have fun. And eat good snacks.

Best wishes and good luck,

Miss Information

Dear Miss Information,

I hope you can help me with this, it seems like it’d be your area of expertise. I’m trying to figure out how to ask out this one girl. We have a couple of classes together and we’ve talked a little bit. She seems nice and smart and she’s really pretty. I don’t really know how to talk to her more though. I was wondering if you could give me some tips? Like how to start a good conversation or something? I kinda wanna ask her out but I should probably build up to that, right?

The other day I caught her staring at me during class but she looked away really quickly. Does this mean she likes me? Or is it because my hair looked weird or something? I just don’t know. How do I know if she likes me or not? How do I know if I should ask her out? Help!

Sincerely, Crushing and Confused

Dear Crushing and Confused,

This is certainly a tricky problem! I’m glad you were brave enough to reach out. That’s the first step to doing better. Good job! However, there’s definitely room for improvement here. It sounds like you know next to nothing about this girl. Let’s work on that first. Then, I will share with you a foolproof plan for winning her heart, which has worked for me personally. Let’s proceed to phase one.

First, you need to get to know her better. Send her a Google Form asking her about her likes, dislikes, personal background and criminal record. This way, you can gather important data. Make sure she doesn’t know that you were the one to send it. You can do this by making a fake email account, posing as a department from Eastern University. Say, the psychology department, who would need her data for an important new study. Or pretend to be Sodexo, wanting to know more about their customer base. This will make her feel important. It also creates mystery and intrigue, which leads us into phase two.

Phase two is to completely ignore her. Don’t go to class; skip as many as you possibly can. You need to completely disappear. The goal is to make her wonder if you ever even existed, or were just a beautiful figment of her wildest daydreams. This will make her more interested in you, because she will be confused. Women love being confused. She will love that you’re playing hard to get and will develop strong feelings towards you. This buildup and anticipation makes phase three all the more exciting.

Phase Three: The Finale. Gather all her favorite things–that you learned from the Google Form–and arrange them properly in a secure location. Prepare a speech. Put on your power outfit. Next, create a scavenger hunt on paper for her and have a trusted friend slip it in her pocket during class. Each clue of the scavenger hunt should lead her a step closer to the aforementioned secure location, where you will be anxiously awaiting her arrival (in your power outfit). Once she finally arrives, recite your speech in a heartfelt manner. This speech should include why you like her and compliments on her looks and behaviors. Make sure to include details that you learned about her from the Google poll. She will be thrilled.

At this point, you will want to get down on one knee and produce a ring. Then of course you say the magic words: Will you marry me?

Hope this helps! I look forward to receiving a save the date for your wedding.

Sincerely, Miss. Information

Looking for advice or encouragement? Have a problem that needs solving? Submit your questions and dilemmas to Miss Information! Write to wtonline@eastern.edu!

Dear Miss Information,

I’m a sophomore and I’ve been having a rough start to this semester. I’m taking 18 credits and my backpack is so full of binders and books that I can barely pick it up. The other day, I was walking to class and I started to feel faint from the exertion of carrying my backpack from my car to HHC. You see, I’m a commuter, so I have to bring everything with me. So many books, so little space. My bag is overflowing and my back is giving out. I’m starting to think that by the end of this semester I’ll have permanent spinal damage. My doctor says it’s not looking good. I’m just a student, I can’t afford a fancy chiropractor.

I’m not really sure what to do about this. Should I take the L and get one of those suitcase-type rolling backpacks? I tried leaving half my stuff in the car, but it’s such a hassle to run back and forth from the parking lot to different buildings. I’m kinda at a loss here.

With this super heavy backpack situation, I’m starting to walk around like a hunchback. You know that Disney movie? Yeah, I’m the guy in the bell tower. It’s rough. I’m starting to regret even enrolling in college, if it means sacrificing my health and posture. Please help me come up with some kind of solution. It would mean the world to my back.

Sincerely,

The Hunchback of Walton Hall

Dear Hunchback of Walton Hall,

Man up, son. This sounds like a problem for the gym, not the newspaper. You should be grateful for the free strength training you are getting by carrying around so many books. But it sounds like you need to work on your gains before you start signing up for so many classes. Maybe you should drop one or two of these courses, so that you do not have to carry around so many books. Of course, that is a coward’s move, but if it makes you feel better, so be it.

Also, that “guy in the bell tower” is Quasimodo, thank you very much. Put some respect on his name. If you are going to compare himself to him, at least have the decency to do your research. I’m sure your situation feels rough, but trust, it is nothing compared to the problems “that guy” had to endure.

And another thing, those sissy rolling backpacks are only for wimps. Are you a wimp, Quasimodo? I didn’t think so. Let’s be real. It is not fair that you get to drive to class every day, while some of us have to take these new alternate routes around the construction that seems to be all over campus. You should be grateful for your wheels, pal. They’ll get you places. Your attitude, however? It will; only get you into trouble.

If you really want my advice, I suggest you stop whining and start lifting. I am sorry that your spine is taking real damage from this predicament but I think that is just a sign of your weakness, rather than an issue for the likes of me. I hope your situation improves, but really, that is up to you. Are you going to take charge of your life and do something about this, or are you going to be complacent and fragile? The choice is yours.

Sincerely,

Miss Information

Need advice or encouragement? Have a problem that needs solving? Submit your questions and dilemmas to Miss Information! Write to dilemmas to wtonline@eastern.edu!

Dear Miss Information,

The school year started off fine. Classes were going well, I got to see my friends, and I moved in with a new roommate. A friend of a friend. He’s really great! He always keeps the suite clean, cleans the bathroom and his side of the room without trouble. He’s funny, super chill, and basically everything is perfect. He’s honestly the best roommate a guy could ask for. Except for this one thing. He sings in the shower and it’s HORRIBLE. He can’t carry a tune to save his life. And because we’re in a suite, I hear it every time. It wouldn’t be so bad if we were in a community hall. Then at least I wouldn’t be in this alone. But sadly, I have to deal with this awful noise right next to my room, my comfort space. It’s so bad. It’s like a velociraptor trying to belt “Defying Gravity” from Wicked, but said velociraptor also has a sore throat.

The worst part is that he thinks he sings really well. He’s proud of his screeches. So much so that he wants to audition for Turning Point. Yikes! I normally wouldn’t mind a roommate’s odd quirks, but his voice is SO BAD that I just can’t stand it. How do I confront him without hurting his feelings? I don’t want to crush his dreams. Help me, Miss Information!

Sincerely, Singing the Blues

Dear Singing the Blues,

I am deeply sorry to hear that you feel this way about your roommate’s voice. But I think perhaps you may be losing sight of what matters here. Your pal is simply trying to express himself through song, and who are you to limit that artistic expression? You should be encouraging him to pursue his dreams, not persuading him to hide his passion. Maybe you simply do not have the well-trained ear, the artistic taste that would allow for enjoyment of the twitterings of such a unique songbird as your roommate.

Perhaps you wrote to me under the impression that I would aid you in hindering your roommate’s shower karaoke excursions, but I do not think that is the best course of action in this case. I am here to solve problems and find creative solutions, not stifle potential artists! I think the best course of action for you, Singing the Blues, is to start singing a different tune altogether. You must change your outlook; focus on the positive aspects of your roommate situation, such as the tidiness and humor. And encourage him to pursue his passion to its furthest extent. Whether or not his dreams are crushed is not up to you, but up to the good people that oversee Turning Point auditions. Let them decide your roommate’s fate.

Sincerely,

Miss Information

Dear Miss Information,

I am a freshman here at Eastern and I am writing to express my roommate concerns. This year, I was pretty close with my roommate. We coordinated our room together, ate together and went out together. Everything was fine until we came back from winter break. We both were single up until this point, but when we came back she started dating someone from our school. Of course, I usually would not have a problem with this kind of thing because I want her to be happy. It just started becoming a problem because he is around all the time. It’s getting to the point where it feels like he is there from when visitation starts to visitation ends and when he isn’t around she isn’t either. It’s like I became invisible when they started dating; she’s never not with him. We don’t walk to class anymore, eat together or go out together anymore. It seems like she dropped all her friends and myself for him. I don’t understand it. I’ve tried talking to her and so have others, but it just seems like she doesn’t care. I don’t even like being in the room anymore because I know there is a large possibility that he will be there, and at this point it’s just awkward. She also stopped asking me if he can come over after the first few weeks of them dating, which makes it really inconvenient to shower and get things done sometimes. I know we only have about one month left of school, but do you have any advice for my situation?

Sincerely,

Distressed in Dorm

Dear Distressed in Dorm,

I’m sorry to hear about your roommate troubles; it seems like everyone is having roommate problems these days. Can’t a girl just find a decent roommate in this economy anymore? It’s getting to be ridiculous.

I don’t know if there’s much either of us can say that will convince your roommate to realize the problems she’s causing. The common saying is that love is blind, but from my experience, love also tends to be hard of hearing as well. However, while there’s not much we can say, you certainly know there’s a lot we can do.

Your friend can’t make girl’s nights anymore because she’s always with her boyfriend? Well, consider him a part of girls’ night. Pull out the nail polish, the face masks, the chick flicks and all. And he’s there when you want to take a shower? Perhaps one of those long showers with the music blasting and a karaoke sing-along will send the message. If all else fails, maybe you can join your roommate when she’s at his dorm and let them both know how intrusive it is to have another person in the room.

Obviously, I hope that your roommate problems are resolved. I’ve given you some light teasing suggestions to help break the tension and open conversation. However, these suggestions do also double as petty payback should your heart so desire if things don’t go well. But I’m just here to offer helpful advice; it’s up to you whether or not you take it (meaning: I cannot be held legally responsible for anything you do).

With deepest sincerity,

Miss Information

Dear Miss Information,

My roommate and I are having some problems. Particularly I am having some problems with my roommate. We mostly get along with each other and it has been good so far this semester, but as of late she has picked up a new habit that has been ruining my life. After a party, she recently discovered the beauty of cheesecake and has been eating non-stop ever since. She has probably had it 3-4 times a week this semester so far. The problem is she is lactose intolerant and the room is absolutely dreadful after she has had some.

You may not feel the gravity of the situation, so let me make it a little more clear. Every time I step foot over the threshold of my dorm, a waft of thick, sweet air attacks my nose. The smell is reminiscent of a mangy rat dipped in sour cream and recently drowned. I believe the thick atmosphere of my room has the potential to cause a mid-size bull to pass out. She comments about how the cheesecake is worth it; she doesn’t normally eat dairy products. But she does not consider the effect that it has on me. I cannot sleep, study or exist in our room as of recently. It is her life and theoretically, she can eat and do what she wants, but it seems to be at the expense of my well-being. I don’t know if I should tell her to stop or not. I don’t want to ruin how things have been but it’s getting bad. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, Intolerant to Lactose Intolerance

Dear Intolerant to Lactose Intolerance,

Wow, this certainly sounds like quite the predicament. First off, I offer my condolences for your struggles. As a fellow lactose-tolerator, I can only begin to imagine how frustrating this must be for you. Hopefully, this will help.

One of the immediate ideas that comes to mind would simply be to introduce lactose-friendly options into her life. I know, it sounds strange, but the modern world is a cruel place, and things such as dairy-free cheesecakes do exist. A grievous evil to people like you and I who can process dairy on our own for sure, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Maybe you could make some and see if it can placate the demon that is her lactose intolerance.

However, this solution isn’t garunteed. In all fairness, it is dairy-free cheesecake; how good could it really be? While your kindness thus far has certainly been an act of grace in the eyes of God, I am not quite as kind nor do I hold you to as high of a standard. Why should you have to tolerate her intolerance?? If her desire for lactose is causing you so many issues, it’s time for her to man up and tolerate it. I mean really, how hard can it be?

I think we both realize that it’s clearly time to sit down and have a talk about this problem. If you’re nervous about it, you could always schedule a meeting with your RA to have them moderate the conversation and even reference your roommate contract from the beginning of the year.

Let’s be honest here; you didn’t sign up for this intolerance when you settled with this roommate. It’s time to nip this problem in the bud and have your roommate cut the act before they cut a block of cheese that takes you out for good.

Sincerely, Miss Information

Dear Miss Information,

The day has come: snow has arrived at Eastern University. Even after watching the forecast for days beforehand, I was underprepared for how it would impact campus. Power outages, lack of heat, classes canceled…it was a mess. But with nothing to do inside but sit and watch the snow fall, I decided to wrangle my friends and take to the hills. So picture this: my friend group of ambitious college students, clad in mismatched winter gear, trudging up the field with butterflies and cold noses. How could this go wrong?

Armed with nothing but a plastic tote lid and sheer determination, we fearlessly attempt to slide down the snow-covered hills. However, the flimsy lid proves to be more of a snow shovel than a sled, resulting in a series of freezing faceplants and wipeouts. As we looked around, many other college students were facing the same sad struggle. As far as the eye can see (or maybe just mine, I might need glasses) old skateboards, trashbags, tires, and even one air mattress were strewn across KG Hill…along with people in different stages of falling. So, I am writing to you to ask: What is the best possible makeshift sled for a college student?

Sincerely, Snow Day Struggles

Dear Snow Day Struggles,

It is truly such a shame that I could not be with you during your day of snowy fun. Besides flying down the KG hill, perhaps I could’ve offered this advice in a more timely manner. However, this will have to do. Keep it filed for your next snow day!

Eastern’s infrastructure reliability certainly offers a lot of options for sleds. For example, I’m sure that one of those nearby trashcans has a top that is easily removable. There are a few shaky tables in the Kea-Guffin lobby nearby that you could unscrew (probably without a screwdriver) and disassemble as needed. I’m sure at least one shaky chair nearby that hill could be repurposed into the tool for a perfect slide.

Another option could be a box. It’s a little bit of a walk to your destination, but one of the dumpsters in the parking lot between Walton and Andrews is purely for cardboard boxes. Some of them might even be intact. Who doesn’t love a good cardboard box?

For legal reasons pertaining to my job and scholarships, I should let you know that under no circumstances should you use your slippery, vinyl-covered mattress to go flying down the KG hill. That would not be a good idea whatsoever. Do you get what I’m saying?

Anyway, those are a few ideas to get you started. Hopefully, this reduce reuse recycle mindset has opened your eyes to the sledding possibilities around you. Or maybe you’ve already bought a sled for next time. Either way, you’re prepared to offer many sledding solutions to friends for your next snow day. I wish you the best of luck in your snowy adventures!

Sincerely, Miss Information