Page 6 – The Waltonian

David Nicol is this year’s inductee to Eastern University’s Lamplight Society. Eastern University’s Facebook page posted, “Congratulations to this year’s Lamplight Society Inductee, David Nicol (’70) of the music department! Members of the Lamplight Society are recognized for their contribution to life at Eastern and their overall imprint on the campus community.” Nicol graduated in 1970 with a Bachelor of Arts in Music from Eastern College, now Eastern University.

According to Laura Manger, Coordinator of Alumni Events and Special Projects, “Mr. Nicol was cofounder (with Rev. Dorcas Diaz-Shaner ’58, Master of Religious Education ’61) of the Christian Artists Singers and has been the director of the group for 35 years. The group began with 12 members, all of which were graduates of the music department of Eastern. They have taken their music ministry to area churches and retirement communities for 36 years and have presented over 350 concerts.”

Nicol has continued to passionately pursue the joy of sharing music with others. Manger continues, “Mr. Nicol taught both elementary and high school choral music for 38 years in the Spring-Ford Area School District in Royersford, Pa. He held the position of Elementary Classroom Music Teacher and High School Choral Director. During his tenure in the high school position, the choir grew from 15 members to 150, and the program grew from one choir to seven choirs.” Nicol has even shared his musical gifts with those outside of school settings. For over 40 years he has served as Director of Music in several churches, including the United Church of Christ at Valley Forge, the Roxborough Baptist Church, the Baptist Church of Phoenixville and the First Presbyterian Church of Phoenixville.

[/media-credit] David Nicol (‘70) is this year’s inductee to Eastern’s Lamplight Society.

The Lamplight Society only inducts one individual each year. Manger adds that “one individual is selected each year (by the Alumni Council of Eastern University) from the following members of Eastern’s family: alumni, faculty, administrators and/or staff. This award is to recognize what they have done at Eastern while they were here.” The recognition and honor from this award is reflected on the Lamplight Society plaque, which reads, “Given in honor of those whose lives and work have been beacons of exemplary Christian service, making a unique contribution to the life and mission of Eastern University and illuminating the path for those who will follow.” At the bottom of the plaque is “Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105.”

Being inducted into the Lamplight Society is a significant honor, not only for alumni and those who work or have worked at Eastern, but also for current Eastern students. When students think of the Lamplight Society, Manger says, “Students should think of those individuals who have made significant contributions to Eastern. Because of their impact, it made it possible for them to be here as a student, have better programs and have a wonderful student experience.” David Nicol exemplifies this as he has made contributions not only to the Eastern community, but also to the greater society. The Lamplight Society is honored to induct him.

Sources: Laura Manger, eastern.edu, Facebook

Most people know about the great original shows and films Netflix has to offer, but most do not know about Netflix’s original documentaries. Ava DuVernay, producer and director of Selma, recently released her new documentary on Netflix titled 13th. This documentary explores a new perspective of U.S. history, the perspective of African-Americans. From the civil rights movement, to Nixon and Reagan’s war on drugs, the impact of ALEC (American Legislative Exchange Council), 13th questions all of these things and asks how they shape our country today. 13th portrays all of these events with the same editing style and dialogic tone displayed in the majority of our modern political campaign ads. It shows the growth of the U.S. prison population and its relationship to our government’s politics and policies. This is all done with sufficient editing skills, and the bringing together of historical clips from the news with several interviews and testimonies.

One of the main interviewees in 13th was Eastern University graduate Bryan Stevenson (‘81), writer of Just Mercy. In the documentary Stevenson states: “we have a criminal justice system that treats you better if you’re rich and guilty than if you’re poor and innocent. Wealth, not culpability, shapes outcomes.” Stevenson and the other interviewees argue that our justice system needs founding on pure and unbiased justice.

The 13th portrays the progression of U.S. history suggesting most of the government’s law enforcement programs were created to keep African-Americans in prisons. The start of all of this history comes from the XIII Amendment of the U.S. constitution. Written in 1864, The XIII Amendment states “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.” In the 1860’s, this meant the end of the south’s greatest economic resource, slaves. A loophole, however, was exploited from this amendment. African-Americans could be forced back into servitude as punishment for a crime.

Years of African-Americans being harshly convicted for misdemeanors led to the creation of the Jim Crow laws. These laws made segregation in the south legal, and so to fight these laws meant you were a criminal. The Civil Rights Movement reformed laws of citizenship, but those rights of citizenship could be revoked if someone was convicted of being a criminal.

Following the civil rights movement was Nixon and Reagan’s war on drugs. What was portrayed as a means of dealing with a supposed crack epidemic, can be seen as being implemented to put African-Americans in prisons. According to John Ehrlichman, one of Nixon’s advisors, “The Nixon campaign in 1968, and the Nixon White House after that, had two enemies: the antiwar left and black people…We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin, and then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities.”

The next major change in the U.S. justice system was Bill Clinton’s three strikes law. Clinton described the three strikes law in his first state of the union address: “when you commit a third violent crime you will be put away. Three strikes and you are out!” This led to the creation of mandatory minimum sentencing laws, which meant that convicted offenders had to serve specific minimum sentences with no leeway for judges to decide that a less severe sentence might fit the particular circumstances surrounding the crime. These offenders had to serve a mandatory minimum sentence in prison without parole.

Along with these government policies is a private club known as ALEC. One of the interviewees in 13th says “ALEC is this private club, and its members are politicians and corporations…Should politics and corporations be in the same private club?” ALEC has proposed several laws that states have employed today, such as Florida’s “Stand your Ground” policy, which authorizes an individual’s right to defend themselves from a perceived threat. ALEC also helped fund the Correction Corporation of America, which are private prisons that have to remain filled at all times. This creates the possibility that people can be put in prison, even if they have not committed a crime. As a “nonprofit organization” ALEC nevertheless wields a tremendous amount of influence with little oversight or accountability.

13th addresses historic events, policies highlighted in this article, and other facts as well. But in order to receive the full experience the director intended you to have, you will have to watch this documentary for yourself. I think the documentary tries to bring together one too many coincidences. Additionally, the documentary takes a five minute break to deliberately portray Donald Trump in a negative light (it took sound clips from Donald Trump and played them over black and white footage of the Civil Rights Movement and the Ferguson riots) which made 13th regrettably feel more like a propaganda piece than a documentary. Still, it was interesting to see what U.S. justice policies look like from a different perspective.

Ava DuVernay’s 13th will not appeal to everyone, but if you want to see outside of your own eyes and take a look at America from an entirely new or all too familiar perspective, then you should watch this documentary. While you are watching it, I encourage you to actively form your own personal opinion of its claims.

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Way out west in Hollywood, California, there was one film genre takin’ the land by the reins. It was the only style of film that could be both a mighty fine shindig and blood-spittin’ brawl, the only type of film where heroes and villains never seemed too far from each other. Right around the dusty trail would come another, and another, until Hollywood flooded themselves with these golden movin’ pictures. The good old 1960s was the age of the western.

Nowadays in our modern society, we do not see head or tail of these fellers, but here comes a new day with the risin’ sun, and its blazin’ glory comes from Antoine Fuqua’s “The Magnificent Seven.” It is by no means an original story, seein’ as it is a remake of John Sturges’ picture of the same title, and his picture was based heavily on Akira Kurosawa’s “Seven Samurai.” What makes this new film so original is its new style of high stakes directin’, its colorful cast of characters and its brilliant score composed in part by the late James Horner.

Antoine Fuqua is not known for makin’ westerns. I believe this to be his first. Based on his line of work, he’s always prided himself on how well he can capture intense modern-day action. This is seen in some of his pictures, such as “Training Day,” “Olympus Has Fallen,” “Shooter” and “The Equalizer.” A common element in all of these films is Fuqua’s desire to go close in on action scenes, and before the action starts it’s mostly close-ups of the characters themselves. Interestin’ enough, this style of directin’ makes for quite the surefire shootout. It’s rivetin’ seein’ the sweat drip down a man’s brow before he stains his hands with gun powder and crimson. In this way, Fuqua brings his viewers right into the minds of every one of his characters, so you practically know what they are going to do before you hear the “pop, pop, pop” of their glorious shootout. It is a good sign if a film can get you excited for any action scene, especially if its viewers only just saw one about five minutes ago. The characters in this film are a wild bunch, but dadgummit, they’re good. Denzel Washington is our lone pistol-wielder for hire, standin’ out in front of everyone else. He’s got a voice that can stop a fight and an attitude that says “don’t mess with me.” Chris Pratt is a likeable slicker with sharp wit, keen eyes and a purdy wink for all the gals. Anytime he’s on screen all eyes are on him. Aside from Pratt’s role as Peter Quill in that there space film “Guardians of the Galaxy,” this may be his best performance yet. These two stars are accompanied by Ethan Hawke, Lee Byung-hun, Manuel Gracia-Rulfo, Martin Sensmeier and Vincent D’Onofrio. Every single one of them plays well off the other, but they are characters. They are exaggerated personas, and to some viewers that may be a little off-puttin’. But let me put your mind at ease, brother, because these personas are wild, fast, cunning, sharp, soulful, fierce and funny as heck.

The last stand-out part of this here movin’ picture is its magnificent score. It never strays from the moment. It never tries to impress. It heightens what is on screen, and it gives each character a deeper personality. It is a raw sound. It penetrates the soul. The strings bring out the blue hues of the sky. The drums rip up the earth below. The cry of a woman or the whistle in the breeze reminds us of our humanity and mortality. Quite the sight for your ears.

“The Magnificent Seven” is a hoedown worth attendin’ and comin’ back to every so often, but you gotta know what you came for before you go and shell out your hard-earned wages on this here picture. Ask yourself what you are comin’ for. Have you come for wide skies and barren soil? Have you come for the warmth of a woman’s heart and the fire of a man’s spirit? Have you come for drinkin’ and good times before the moon sets and darkness prowls? Have you come for the justice that can only be delivered with the click of a trigger, the fall of a hammer and the release of seven pounds of pressure? Have you come to bathe in the sunlight of glory before it sets on your soul one last time? Then, my friend, you are in the right place.

Grad School Hub recently named Eastern University as offering one of the “top 25 most affordable options for an online doctoral degree in management, business administration with a management concentration or specialty, organizational leadership or a related discipline.”

The mission of GradSchoolHub.com is “to provide expert information on high-quality accredited graduate degree programs offered by the nation’s best universities.” As stated above, they recently published their list of the colleges and universities with the most affordable online doctoral degrees in management and leadership. Right between Northcentral University and Concordia University Chicago sits Eastern University, ranking at #21. The article states that graduate tuition/fees total $16,060 for Eastern’s online business doctoral students.

Eastern University offers a Ph.D. in Organizational Leadership, which, according to GradSchoolHub.com, “combines management theories with competencies required for leadership within a particular sector.”

According to eastern.edu, the business leadership concentration “is designed primarily for those who have already earned an M.B.A. or its equivalent and who therefore do not need another introduction to the essential disciplines of business leadership.” Eastern’s online Ph.D. program also “utilizes an interdisciplinary approach to address practices and issues of concern to 21st-century leaders. The focus is on the business leader as decision-maker, consultant and scholar.”

Unlike some of the other colleges and universities included in Grad School Hub’s list, at Eastern University “students may choose the business management concentration and take additional classes that emphasize this area of specialty.”

Grad School Hub also notes that Eastern University is currently ranked 83rd-best regional university in the North, according to U.S. News and World Report.

Sources: eastern.edu, gradschoolhub.com

Jason Badecki is the new head coach for the Eastern Men’s Golf program. Badecki has been the head of the Women’s Golf program for the past three years, but now he is going to lead both programs. Badecki played collegiate golf at Rutgers-Camden, and he was named the MAC Women’s Coach of the Year in 2014.

“Jason is really looking forward to this challenge,” former Eastern Athletic Director Nate Stewart comments. “With the [Danny A. Hearing] indoor facility and our relationship with St. David’s Golf Club, we have an ideal scenario for growing our golf programs. Jason will recruit good players for both programs and be able to work with them in both semesters.”

Badecki will be taking the place of Mark Birtwistle, who had served the EU Men’s Golf team for 11 years. It was a tough decision for Birtwistle, especially considering that this past season he helped the Eagles have their most successful regular season in program history, when the Eagles finished second at the MAC Freedom Championship. Birtwistle will remain the head coach of Eastern’s nationally ranked Women’s Volleyball program. He is looking forward to seeing where the Golf program goes in the future, and he wants to take the volleyball team to a whole new level.

Eastern’s Athletic Department is eager to see where Badecki will take the Men’s and Women’s Golf programs. Birtwistle will also be watched to see if he can keep up Women’s Volleyball’s victory streak, as the volleyball team is currently undefeated with a record of 11-0.

Source: goeasterneagles.com

On Jan. 15, 2009, 100 seconds after leaving LaGuardia Airport, U.S. Airways Flight 1549 lost both of its engines at a lower altitude than any other jet in history. Two-hundred and eight seconds later it made a forced water landing on the Hudson River. One-hundred and fifty-five people were rescued from the frigid waters. If it had not been for Captain “Sully” Sullenberger, everyone on board may have died in the crash. There is, however, the possibility that what Sully did was wrong, for further investigation revealed it was possible for him to land safely back at LaGuardia. If it can be proven that Sully was wrong, he loses his wings. Was Sully a hero, or was he mistaken?

Clint Eastwood’s latest biopic depicts these actual events. Instead of dramatizing or heightening the action of the story, “Sully” keeps a deep focus on realism and humanity. Because of this, “Sully” never feels like a movie. It is a true experience. It deserves your attention, and it is worth seeing in theatres. From takeoff to splash down, “Sully” continuously uncovers and opens up the genuine “Miracle on the Hudson.”

The most prominent elements in this film are the actors. Tom Hanks brings heart and life into any film he’s in, and his portrayal of Captain “Sully” Sullenberger handily deserves a place next to his best roles, among which are Chuck Noland, James B. Donovan and Forrest Gump. One of the most interesting details in this film is the subtlety of Hanks’ interactions with the various characters. He is friendlier with some than others, but he treats everyone with equally high respect. It is the mark of a great actor when they have the ability to bring out the best in everyone in the scene.

The script blends dramatic realism in a dark situation with perfectly-timed humor. In a film such as this it would have been easy to glorify the special effects, to focus on the crash itself and get away with making an average movie. However, “Sully” makes the daring and admirable choice of keeping the focus on the people. The screenplay is centered on the lives involved in the landing of flight 1549, with its cornerstone being Captain “Sully” Sullenberger.

The visual scope of “Sully” is engrossing. Every frame consistently drew my eyes to the screen. Since it was shot on IMAX cameras, the wider aspect ratio invites viewers into the experience of the landing, and thus magnifies the impact of being able to say “all 155 passengers survived.”

There is one setback to this film: it is told in an uncommon nonlinear fashion with past events playing out as memories. These memories are triggered by stimuli, and they can last anywhere from five to 2o minutes. Though the return from memories to present can feel sudden and jarring, this does not take away from the overall feel of the movie; rather, it gives “Sully” a unique aesthetic separating it from other biopics.

Beyond its spectacular performances, stand-out cinematography and impeccable direction, “Sully” is truthful. I have listened to the CVR recordings from the cockpit of Flight 1549, and they are verbatim to the dialogue in this film. The main reason “Sully” is directly founded in the reality of the events is because Captain Sullenberger himself was heavily involved in the making of the film. In an interview with “CBS This Morning,” Sully stated, “What I really wanted this film to have was a real undercurrent of the importance of our common humanity, and I think it’s there.”

For those of you who enjoy the art of cinema and the profound truths that can be told through it, “Sully” is a film to be cherished and witnessed on the big screen.

For an unedited version of this review, visit jfmviews.blogspot.com.

On Friday, Sept. 23, alumni Kevin Monaghan (‘10) witnessed the first performance of his show “Broken,” which he describes as “a musical theater song cycle that focuses on the topic of divorce and how it affects members of the family.”

The road to the debut of “Broken” was not an easy jog. It took most of Monaghan’s years at Eastern to write the songs, and along the way he learned many things that helped him create “Broken.”

“One of my biggest takeaways [from Eastern] was how Mark Hallen taught us that everyone is the ‘walking wounded’ and carries hurts and pains nobody else may even be aware of. This concept significantly changed how I viewed people and shaped my understanding of the need for the Jesus in our world,” Monaghan says.

Monaghan has had personal experience with the subject matter of the play, as his parents went through a divorce when he was younger. He says, “I began to compose these songs as a way to express some of these feelings I had and let out what was pent up inside of me. It became clear to me from an early part of this process the Lord was inspiring me in order to redeem this part of my story and bless others who may be hurting as well….A lot of my healing journey began at Eastern, so it seems fitting to be performing my musical here.”

I am blessed I was able to experience the debut premiere of “Broken.” I am still humming the songs in my head, although I barely know the words. The songs are so memorable because they excelled in three main aspects: the compositions, the lyrics and the actor’s performances.

The musical compositions for each song were incredible. Before the actors reached the stage, before the first word was spoken, there was the entrance of the orchestra, heard, but never seen. The opening of the song “Trapped” started with impending war drums, perfectly reflecting the concept of children being trapped in their parents’ war. I was immediately thrown into a battleground by the simple steady march from one snare drum.

The lyrics were eye-opening and enveloping. I wish I could wrap myself up and get comfortable in the lyrics, and “Picking up the Pieces” was one song perfect for nestling in. It’s about the man who’s been left behind by those he cares about. It was filled with imagery and poetry. At first it appears the song is about a husband who has lost his wife, but the last lyrics give the jaw-dropping reveal through the words “I miss you, and I love you…Dad.” In this way, a whole new perspective was given, without needing to change any of the previous verses.

The show itself would have been nothing if there were no one on stage performing it, and Monaghan was “excited to have four incredible actors performing in this debut: Natalie Hann (‘08), Kai Yanga, Peter Haas and Gregory Kasander.” Their performances ranged from drop-dead hilarious to rising-from-the-ashes empowering. One of their comedic songs is “Advice,” which centers around a college student desperately trying to finish a five-page paper while his sister and his mother keep calling him for dating advice. The controlled franticness of the college student played well off of his sister’s flightiness and his mother’s stereotypical New Jersey persona. On the more dramatic side of the performances was the song “I Remember.” In its essence it is a young woman’s soliloquy about her father and all of the great times they had while he was in her life. The performer captured and exposed the inner turmoil of this grown woman’s life, and she did it with earnestness and sincerity.

“Broken” is a wholly uplifting blend of music, poetry and performance. Unlike several other shows I have seen about depressing subject matter, “Broken” never asked for my pity. My, how I would enjoy seeing it again.

“Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!” You have just read the funniest joke known to mankind. It is guaranteed to make anyone die of laughter, and it has been translated into German for your safety. The joke itself was first heard in an early episode of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” The program in question has been referred to as jolly, hysterical and downright humorous.

Most people laughed when this joke was first aired on television, but I don’t think most of you reading this laughed when you read the joke. This is mainly due to it being in another language, but it is also due to the fact that most of you do not know the context around this joke. I assume most of you would laugh if I showed the clip from the episode, and you could see that this joke was used as a weapon in a farcical version of World War II. Every time a German soldier heard the joke they would laugh uncontrollably and then die in a loony manner. All of a sudden this episode from “Monty Python” is starting to sound more hilarious.

Please understand, the joke in its actual context is much more impactful and memorable than simply showing German soldiers fall dead after guffawing themselves off their rockers. This slapstick is hilarious, but this alone does not make the joke “art.” Frankly, this simple element of predictable slapstick makes the joke a science.

Most humor is more akin to a science than an art. Science can be tested and proven, and so can humor. A long “Seinfeld” routine will receive more laughs than a simple knock-knock joke, Charlie Chaplin tripping three times is funnier than him only tripping twice and Honest Trailers will always receive high view counts because their videos are tied to popular culture; these are proven scenarios. They are humorous, but these things alone are not art. When the purpose of a joke is only to ensure that an audience listens and laughs, it is not art. It is proven pandering.

Art is ideas, concepts and emotions expressed in a form that can be perceived by the masses. Humor, in and of itself, is not directly an art form. What makes humor artistic is the way in which it is used–the way it elicits emotion from its audience. There needs to be more to humor than simply making someone laugh.

Jerry Seinfeld’s long, built-up comedy routine is filled with jabs at the ridiculousness of people’s unnecessary rituals and why they do them without even knowing why they do them. Charlie Chaplin kept tripping because he was trying to race after a beautiful maiden. Honest Trailers removes a film’s suspense of disbelief by primarily stating that every new movie is essentially the same thing. All of these are humorous, and they are art. When an artist conveys humor to an audience through a relatable context, their jokes become funnier than the sum of their words.

Monty Python’s lethal joke features elements of slapstick, absurdity and realism. What makes this art is that all of these elements are brought together in order to illustrate the ridiculousness of war, and how most wars are won because one side just so happened to have the better weapon. This idea could have been told through an essay, it could have been shown through a documentary, but it was acted out by a bunch of British comedians on national television. It makes the joke memorable. It makes the joke humorous. It makes the joke art.

It is 11:31 p.m. The whole room hums with the sound of seven TVs, but all eyes are on one of them. Two opponents passionately mash buttons as their onscreen fighters, Marth and Dr. Mario, furiously trade blows. Marth lands a sword strike at the exact instant it will knock Dr. Mario off the stage, but Dr. Mario recovers by shooting his fist into the air and clobbering Marth right in the face. Marth zooms into the air, spiraling out of control. He looks for an edge to cling to and makes his way back onto the stage. He swings his sword into the sky to claim the edge’s salvation, but at the last second Dr. Mario leans over and grabs the edge. Marth reaches for safety, but the edge is occupied by his opponent. Marth plummets into the dark, off the screen, and loses his last stock. The TV shouts the winner, the crowd cheers and the two opponents shake hands and exchange the phrase “good game.” This match is over, but the next one is about to begin. This is EU’s Smash Bros. Club.

The main focus of Eastern’s new club is to bring students together to play the Nintendo Gamecube game “Super Smash Bros. Melee,” a fighting game featuring 26 playable characters from Nintendo’s franchises. It is the only game series where Mario, Link and Pikachu can fight head-on and prove who is best. The game was originally created to be a friendly party game amongst families, but over time people discovered it had the potential to be played as a competitive tournament game. What emerged from a beautiful accident has become a worldwide phenomenon, stretching onto our own campus.

EU’s Smash Bros. Club was born about a year ago, but it wasn’t until Sept. 2 that it became an official club. The club is mainly run by its president, Andrew Barbin. Barbin has been playing Smash since it came out. Like most others, he was attracted to the game because it was a fighting game featuring one of his favorite video game characters, Mario. According to Barbin, “the appeal to the game is that I could prove to my friends that Mario would win in a fight against their favorite characters.”

Smash is not only a hobby but also a stress-reliever for Barbin. He created the club as a place where others could experience competitive gaming in a stress-free atmosphere.

“I started the club for EU students who share my love for this old Nintendo game, and for those who love to play video games competitively,” Barbin says.

Besides allowing students to relieve stress while playing as their favorite characters, Barbin says the club also connects people who would not usually hang out together.

“Never would I have imagined that music majors, youth ministry majors or THC kids [sic] would end up being good friends, developing sportsmanship and making connections they would otherwise not make staying in their own social circles,” Barbin says. “With all of the clubs preaching diversity on campus, I would say that our Smash Club is by far the most diverse, and we do it without even trying.”

The club hosts tournaments every Friday. There is no pressure to be the best, or even great for that matter; with this in mind, EU’s Smash Bros. Club is sure to attract a wide variety of students, just as Barbin and his team have intended. It is the only official club on campus for gamers, and Barbin is proud being the explorer of this new territory.

“EU Smash Bros is a very important club for many people on campus, and I’m proud of the hard work my team and I have put in to make this club into what it is now.”

For more information on EU’s Smash Bros. Club, join their Facebook group at: www.facebook.com/groups/eu.smashbros/, or contact Andrew Barbin at abarbin@eastern.edu.

So I’ve been sick for the past few days, and it has been driving me up the wall. I mean, this whole thing has just been nuts, and…wait. What’s that date on the cover page? This is the last issue of the year, isn’t it? Oh, great! I was hoping this day would never come, and now here it is. Well, it looks like I’m done here. Why should I bother saying anything more on the subject of what’s grinding my gears? You’ll forget all about this column one day, and I’ll go back into a faded existence.

School’s done. Yeah, that’s a good thing, right? No. It’s not a good thing for me. I like it here, despite all evidence to the contrary. Pretty soon I’m going to have to pack up all of my posters and Bible companions in our family Honda. I had a great run here, but now I have to head home, back to my boring old life. Really, it is boring. A life where I am not hailed for my pretentiousness and obscene view of the world. Can you imagine that? No one at home cares whether I think ice is stupid, being tired is boring, or Brightspace is messed up. No one cares at all, because no one at home reads The Waltonian. They say they have better things to do, such as find various BBC-themed arts and crafts projects on Pinterest or engage in copious amounts of schoolwork despite the fact that it’s summer. I don’t want to do any of that stuff. I want to write about What Grinds My Gears…except I can’t anymore.

I won’t have an audience that just wants to hear all of the stupid stuff that is happening in my life. I won’t have an outlet where I can just vent about all of the messed-up stuff life has to offer. I won’t have a place where I can write about all of the crazy humor that God puts in our lives. I’m going to be writing for some other section next year. Maybe I’ll be in Features, or I might have a column in Arts and Entertainment, or who knows, I could even get a column in Sports…actually, not Sports. I could write for any column next year; I just won’t be right here at the bottom of Opinions. Some other schmuck will have this spot all to themselves, and The Waltonian will get to call it whatever they want. Maybe next year they’ll call it What Gets My Shorts in a Knot. I don’t know. I can’t predict the future. I don’t even want to predict what mine is going to be like, without What Grinds My Gears. I am going to miss this column. I really am. We’ve had a good run.

You know, maybe it’s a good thing that someone else is taking this column. I mean, just thinking about all of the garbage that bogs me down can get pretty tiresome. It’s not doing anything good for my health, that’s for sure. I mean, I’ve spent days just contemplating the question, “What is ticking me off today?” Well, now I don’t have to focus on what is ticking me off. Heck, I don’t even need to try to find stuff that is ticking me off. Some other guy can worry about what ticks them off, and they can write about it however they want. Me, I can live my freaking life without having to worry about all of that madness. I won’t have to force myself to be upset any longer. I can be…naturally upset. Won’t that be swell?

I don’t have to write this anymore…I don’t need to write this anymore…I think I’ll stop. So long, Eastern. It’s been real.