“Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!” You have just read the funniest joke known to mankind. It is guaranteed to make anyone die of laughter, and it has been translated into German for your safety. The joke itself was first […]
Author: Jared Maier
Gamers Unite! Introducing Eastern’s Smash Club
It is 11:31 p.m. The whole room hums with the sound of seven TVs, but all eyes are on one of them. Two opponents passionately mash buttons as their onscreen fighters, Marth and Dr. Mario, furiously trade blows. Marth lands a sword strike at the exact instant it […]
What Grinds My Gears: Last Thoughts
So I’ve been sick for the past few days, and it has been driving me up the wall. I mean, this whole thing has just been nuts, and…wait. What’s that date on the cover page? This is the last issue of the year, isn’t it? Oh, great! I was hoping […]
What Grinds My Gears: Nothing
Hello. How’s your day going? Is it going well? Mine’s going pretty smoothly. Why, just the other day I…oh…right. I shouldn’t talk about how good my days are. Here, I only talk about how bad my days are, but today I can’t. It’s a funny sort of thing, isn’t it? […]
The Waltonion: Eastern Mobilizes Task Force to Remove Rogue Robins
ST. DAVIDS, PA — Robins. These little bundles of feathers have been appearing all over campus since the start of spring. Up until now they have meant us no harm, but recently they have started to fly inside and overpopulate the many buildings on campus. Some of the more shocking […]
Faculty Spotlight: Prof. Jenny Tibbels
If you directed a play, the first thing you would consider is how to tell your story. Our Director of Theater at Eastern University believes the story is told through the characters, and an actor has to enter into the mindset of their character for the story to flow naturally. […]
What Grinds My Gears: Sheer Exhaustion
The following excerpts are from the secret undergound files of Doctor Gerry Stearson, from “the Institution That Sometimes Notices Outrageous Troubling Realities Everyone Always Looks Past.” Case File: Patient 74b [Maier, Jared] 1/12/16 – Patient 74b walked into my office today for the first time. First thing 74b did was […]
The Active Voice: A Course Review
“There are no observers here…You are an active participant,” Professor Teresa Moyer told me as Active Voice class began. This is basically what it comes down to. Professor Moyer says, “Trust me,” and if you do, you are all the better for it. Active Voice is a journey, and Professor […]
What (Does Not) Grind My Gears: Snow
Disclaimer: First off, yes, I do know I am wearing a black facemask around campus. Yes, I am aware that it makes me look like a ninja, lunatic, assassin, Batman, fencer, New Age video game character, and Kylo Ren. No, I am not just wearing it to look cool. I […]
What Grinds My Gears: Eastern Online
MyEastern: This page is an assault on my eyes. Along with the slide show of Eastern’s photos, the multiple colored drop-down menus and the Announcements menu are enough to make me instinctively cover my eyes every time I open it. Once I regain my vision, certain things begin to stand […]