The Waltonian Guide to…

In a world that is full of smart phone users, it is hard to stand out. Everywhere we look there are people using iPhones, Droids, Androids and Blackberries. Have you ever been frustrated by your friends who are constantly on their smart phones? Well then this is the article for you! Read on and be enlightened on how much smarter you can be WITHOUT a smart phone in eight easy steps!

Step 1: Wear Glasses
Who doesn’t look smart with a pair of glasses on? Seriously? Any pair of glasses will do. Stores are even selling fake glasses, and fake glasses are much cheaper than a monthly data plan for a smart phone.

Step 2: Use paper maps
While your friends are using Google Maps on their smart phones or using a GPS to travel to thousands of destinations, you get the opportunity to use a paper map! I know it sounds absolutely crazy to use a paper map, but seriously, it takes some skill to read a real map. Maybe even invest in a compass!

Step 3: Duct tape your iPod to your phone
This is the best way of having your phone and your iPod separate yet together. It’s a flawless plan. Play music and talk on the phone at the same time. No smart phone can do that. It is the best thing that could happen to your iPod since the iPod.

Step 4: Have a continuously pensive face
This might sound a little silly, but it is totally true. If you look like you are in continuous thought, people are going to think you are smart. Looking like you are smart is 90% of what it takes to be considered smart!

Step 5: Buy more books
Books are full of knowledge. Our professors require us to read them in order to aide our learning experience. Without a pesky data plan to pay for each month, you can spend more money on educating yourself through reading.

Step 6: Find a coffee shop to sit in
Utilize the atmosphere of the Jammin’ Java or the Gryphon in Wayne to be a part of the coffee house atmosphere. People who sit in coffee houses look and feel smarter. For an added touch, scatter some open books or newspapers around yourself. Don’t forget to drink the latest cappuccino flavor as well!

Step 7: Tuck a pencil behind your ear
There’s something about a pencil behind a student’s ear that makes them look very studious and therefore, very intelligent. (Note: Be sure to not stab yourself in the eye. That doesn’t look smart at all).

Step 8: Talk in a fake British accent
This is one that I use all the time. Practice with your friends and it’ll catch on soon enough! You will all sound more astute. In conversation with friends, ask when they’ll be coming over for tea and crumpets. I would like to see a smart phone try to eat tea and crumpets!

Disclaimer: This article was written entirely on a smart phone. These steps are not meant to produce actual results. My sincerest apologies.

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