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The spy who taught me

“Before you ask,” Dr. Christopher Bittenbender said, “No, I didn’t drive a gadget-laden Aston Martin. I preferred Ferraris.”

In what is sure to be a huge shock to the entire Eastern community, Dr. Bittenbender, the chair of the university’s English department, has revealed in an exclusive interview with the Walt-Onion that he is a former secret agent.

“I can’t tell you the name of the organization I used to work for,” Dr. Bittenbender said. “I can tell you that it was not the CIA, and that its very existence is highly classified.”

Dr. Bittenbender was recruited to The Organization, as he referred to it, while in college. At the time, he was dating a girl whose parents were both agents for The Organization. Her father approached Dr. Bittenbender after a few months and out of nowhere made him a job offer.

“It was literally an offer I couldn’t refuse,” Dr. Bittenbender said. “I started working for The Organization the day after I graduated.”

Dr. Bittenbender can’t disclose exactly how long he worked for The Organization, but he did say it was for longer than ten years. He also denied having a License to Kill, though he did say that he routinely performed missions that required him to “get (his) hands dirty.” He also firmly denies ever battling any super villains who had bases in hollowed-out volcanoes or secret space stations.

“Though,” he said, “there was that one Russian fellow who did have an underwater base.” Did said Russian have a plot to destroy the world? “Actually,” Dr. Bittenbender said, “Most of the, uh, enemies I encountered were more interested in taking over the world rather than destroying it, which when you think about it makes a lot more sense.”

Ultimately, Dr. Bittenbender decided to retire from The Organization and pursue a teaching career. “It wasn’t because I’d gotten tired of the lifestyle,” he said. “Honestly, I still miss it. The exotic locations, the cars, the gadgets, the beautiful women, it was a blast. But it’s a game for young people. I just couldn’t keep up any more.”

Is Dr. Bittenbender worried that The Organization will terminate him because he quit? “No,” he said with a hearty laugh. “That only happens in the movies. Now this article, on the other hand… I might have to start looking over my shoulder.”

What does he miss most from his time as a secret agent? “Besides the tuxedoes, probably my car. It was a 1972 Ferrari Daytona coupe, bright red. It was absolutely gorgeous, and The Organization had modified it heavily. Let me tell you, Q has nothing on The Organization’s people.”

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