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Plichta VS. Norris

March 26 is a date that shall live in infamy at Eastern.

No one who woke for class that morning had any idea that, by sundown, most of the campus would lie in ruins.

The general feeling on campus is one of shock and disbelief at the absolute devastation, which is the result of one of the most epic showdowns in all of recorded history.

At about 9:00 a.m., Chuck Norris entered the Athletic Complex and informed Master Harry Plichta, one of Eastern’s athletic instructors, that he was being replaced.

Specifically, it was Norris who was replacing him.

Master Plichta, who teaches Fencing, Taekwondo and Tai Chi, was infuriated by what he believed to be a betrayal by the University.

“It’s outrageous,” Plichta said. “I’ve been teaching at this school for I-don’t-even-know-how-long, and they have the nerve to replace me with this wannabe?”

Master Plichta stormed off to confront the administration on the issue. Amazingly, administrators appeared just as confused and upset as Master Plichta, as they had neither records nor knowledge of Norris’ hiring or, for that matter, Master Plichta’s dismissal.

According to Mitzi Ninja, a secretary in Walton Hall, Master Plichta then rushed out of Walton Hall muttering something about revenge.

Four hours later, Master Plichta was found lying face-up in the creek outside Sparrowk Hall, unconscious.

According to witnesses, there was a footprint-shaped bruise on the side of his head. Upon regaining consciousness, Master Plichta said, “Cheese and crackers, he roundhouse kicked me in the face! Oh, it’s on now!”

A growing crowd followed Master Plichta as he tracked Norris down. The two men finally encountered each other on the soccer field.

The crowd slowly backed off as the two men approached each other and began slowly circling one another around the center of the field.

No one is sure who struck first. Some reported that it was Norris with his signature roundhouse kick. Others say that Master Plichta attacked with a flying sidekick. All that is known for certain is that the first blow was absolutely devastating.

Every single window on campus was shattered by the shockwave, which completely demolished the already-water-damaged Kea-Guffin Hall.

The fighting was so intense that it kicked up a thirty-foot-tall dust cloud, completely blocking the two combatants from view.

For five full minutes, all that could be heard were thundering blows and the battle cries of two mighty warriors. Then, suddenly, there was silence.

When the dust finally settled, Master Plichta stood alone in a ten-foot-deep crater at the center of the soccer field. There was no sign of Norris.

After catching his breath Master Plichta coolly walked back into the gym to resume his teaching duties.

The Walt-Onion initially attempted to contact Norris regarding the chaos of March 26, but he could not be reached.

Several days ago, a package arrived at The Walt-Onion’s office. It contained a picture of Chuck Norris launching a roundhouse kick.

No further attempts to contact Norris have been made.

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