Pineapple on Pizza: A lighthearted perspective on the opinions and origins of Hawaiian pizza.

Pineapple Pizza–my ears hurt at its mention. How does that even work? Have you heard of people putting raspberry jam on asparagus? Or caramel on sausages? It is so simple. Fruit does not belong on pizza. Just like vegetables do not belong on ice cream. For example, brussels sprout ice cream would be disgusting.

Most importantly, pineapple pizza goes against the natural order of creation. Creation has set rules. There are such things as universal laws. Things that go up must come down.

In the same way, certain things just don’t mix like water and oil. A lesser known but still important rule is tomato, cheese, and pineapple don’t go together. If you were offered a bowl of smashed tomatoes, melty cheese, and pineapple, would you be ready to scarf down the bowl of tomato, cheese and pineapple goodness?

For some reason, when a person is handed the same combination on a pizza, it is okay. I am here to tell you that it does not belong on pizza!

Every time I see someone eating pineapple pizza, I just sadly shake my head and think, “Poor sad lost soul.” It would be understandable if you thought I was disrespecting Hawaiian culture by saying this, but did you know Hawaiian pizza has nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with Hawaii? It was invented by a Greek born

Canadian, by the name of Sam Panopoulos. Panopoulos invented it in his diner in Canada. I have nothing against this man. I am sure he was a great father and husband. I am sure he worked hard. 

I have no doubt he was a wonderful human being. But, why oh why, did he have to come up with such a despicable version of pizza? Here’s my point, the pizza you’re eating, besides tasting lousy, is a lie. It has nothing to do with Hawaii, except for the pineapples, and that is a stereotype.

Pineapples originally came from South America, and many pineapples are still produced there. So, this pizza should be called Canadian pizza because that’s where it was invented. I guarantee, if it was called that, sales would drop 50%. Canadian pizza just doesn’t have the same ring.

They say it is important to put yourself in other people’s shoes, to understand other perspectives. I will try to do this. Why would I, or a person in general, enjoy this pizza? As the completely objective, unbiased person I am pretending to be for the moment, I should be able to think of a reason. Maybe it is because they like tomatoes with pineapple. I somehow doubt this. And I also doubt people like pineapple and cheese together.

The funny thing is the more I think about it the more I can’t think of a reason. Why would somebody want to eat a random bunch of edible items all jumbled together on some crust flatbread? All the people I have asked always say, “I just like it.” However, I haven’t met anyone who can give a reason.

I wonder if it’s kind of like other things people enjoy that make no sense. Soap operas, guacamole, which should be called smashed avocados, WWE, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, communism, cable news, musicals except for the “Sound of Music,” sweet potatoes, a rip off on real potatoes, weightlifting, or working out in general for that matter, late night television and basically most, if not all, pop music fall into this category. Why people enjoy these and about a million other things I don’t know. I guess I will just have to add pineapple pizza to this list.

I want to close by saying if you disagree, please email me. Maybe I will be able to show you your mistake and put you back on the right path. It is never too late to make a change.

 

Sources: Tasting Table

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