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Hunger Games at Eastern (WO)

Less than a week after the premier of the blockbuster movie, The Hunger Games, Eastern University administrators have announced their intentions to bring the games to campus.

Inspired by the books and film, one male and one female from each dormitory will be chosen on behalf of their hall to fight ’till the end for access to power and internet during the week before finals. After a close look at the expense of dorm power bills, made evident by the BlackOut Competition led by SIFE, the university hopes to save even more money with an even more thrilling event.

“We were surprised by how much money we saved just by asking them to turn their lights out,” Eliza Spruce, Head of Student Development and the driving force behind bringing the games to campus said. “We can just imagine how much relief our wallets will have once the games are over.”

The Reapings, or contestant selections, are set to begin the Tuesday before Easter Break and the games are to begin a week later. This is so that the contestants may say goodbyes to their families and prepare strategies for the arena. “We expect that the level of talent will be fairly equal during our first year of the competition,” an excited Spruce said. “Absolutely no one is prepared for this.”

Currently an arena is being built on the softball fields to house the games which will be televised 24 hours a day on all of the public televisions on campus. “This will be the perfect location for the Power Games,” Dr. Peachtree, designer of the game space and subsequent student center said. “Once the games are over, we will build the student center above where the students were slain. Of course, we will build a monument to the fallen players-it will become a symbol for what the school has sacrificed for the privileges the school provides.”

During the competition, each student will be required to check in at least one TV location for 2 hours of game-watching a day, they will be permitted to bring their schoolwork with them as the Gamemakers are confident that the cacophony of battle will force viewers to pay attention.

Students are encouraged to put their names in the selection more than once for the games. Winners, in addition to providing power for their dorm, will receive a designated parking space in every lot on campus, catered meals from area restaurants, a private room and bathroom and free tuition, room and board for the coming year. Gamemakers expect that once the prizes are announced there will be a rush of students trying to put their names in the raffle more than once.

Spruce offers words of encouragement for students hoping to win the games. “We wish you all the best and may the odds be ever in your favor.”

*any resemblance to persons alive or dead, real or fictitious is completely coincidental. Please note that the last quote came directly from the Hunger Games.

Please note: this article was meant solely for satirical purposes and should not be taken seriously under any circumstance. Do you really think Eastern would want this liability on its shoulders? No!  

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