Emergency bulletin:

Serious health risks have become a major concern not for, but around professional athletes. A recent study showed that when in the presence of a professional athlete, most subjects develop a strange and acute form of amnesia.

When lifelong Pittsburgh Steelers fan Greg Baxter was introduced to 6-1, 250 lb Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, he had no memory of posting on his Twitter page, “Ray shud retire, hes oldr and slower than my dead granny.”

In cases of mild exposure, the amnesia will only be temporary. However, some side effects may manifest themselves differently at a later time. One of the most common side effects is delusions.

One small spot of hope is that in all major studies, children were immune to any effects. When six-year old California native Billy Coburn met former UFC heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar, Billy seemed completely unaffected while his father, Ronald, was not so lucky: upon sight of Lesnar, he lost all memory.

Despite being advised not to confront his father’s condition, Billy tried to remind him who he was and what he believed by saying, “Daddy, it’s Brock. You said he was a joke after losing to Stephen Neal and that he was just a hack…”

Confused and scared by being made aware of his own condition, 41-year old Ronald Coburn’s loud laughter turned to unintelligible yelling.

But the disease doesn’t stop there. Researchers discovered a strange phenomenon when they studied adolescents’ response to professional athletes: depression.

When the eighth grade class of New Town Middle School in New Town, N.D. was told that they were going to meet linebacking legend and one of the NFL’s most feared players of all time, Dick Butkus, the whole class burst out laughing with excitement. But after the introductory montage highlighting some of Butkus’ most bone-crushing hits, he walked up on stage to dead silence in a crowd full of forlorn faces.

In light of this research, it seems that all average Joe’s can do is hope they don’t run into the athletic stars they watch on TV.


Comments are closed.