For those of you who may not know, there is a dangerous crime wave sweeping Eastern’s campus, and it does not involve paintball.
The perpetrators of this horrible crime are crafty, violent, and they live among us.
At this point you may be asking, “Why have I not learned of this crime wave from Eastern’s most trustworthy news source, The Waltonian?”
You are probably also asking “What exactly is this crime wave?” But I’ll answer the first question first.
You had better be sitting down for this. The Waltonian’s silence on this vital school-rocking issue can be traced to one simple fact (and I risk my job – nay, my very life to bring you this information): the editors of the Waltonian are in on the conspiracy.
I know because it happened to me. On the evening of November 3, I and a certain news editor who wishes to remain anonymous (we’ll call her Sarah) were kidnapped and taken forcibly from the third floor of Walton hall.
After a devious plot between the Waltonian’s editor-in-chief, features editor, and A&E editor to keep me in the Waltonian office, our erstwhile peaceable evening was shattered abruptly by the approach of screaming masked men who wrapped us in blankets, tied our hands behind our backs and blindfolded us with bandanas.
They shrewdly carried us from Walton, shoved us in the back seat of a car and drove madly out of the jurisdiction of Eastern security, rendering us utterly without protection or hope of rescue.
Upon arriving at their destination, they loosened our bonds and subjected us to shouts of “Happy Birthday!” and “Surprise!” Then, as the final play of their sick game, they offered us the most horrible choice of all: “Cake or death!”
The worst part of this story is that there is little that can be done to bring these horrible criminals to justice.
Alas, my only recourse against the horror that has befallen me is to give to you, the reader, ten simple signs by which you can recognize that you are about to be kidnapped, in order that you might not suffer my unfortunate fate.
10. It’s your birthday.
9. You are independently wealthy.
8. You have friends or relatives who are independently wealthy.
7. It will be your birthday in the next week.
6. You happened to mention in Enlightenment class that you “would not mind” being kidnapped for your birthday.
5. You or your friends have kidnapped people in the past.
4. You have a birthday, sometime.
3. You overhear a phone conversation in which someone says “Just keep her busy; give her fun stuff to do until Brandon comes!”
2. Your friends are awesome.
And the number one sign that you may be kidnapped in the near future:
1. You see two vaguely familiar guys wearing masks of living and deceased presidents and presidential hopefuls running toward you carrying blankets, string and bandanas, yelling, “Nobody expects the birthday inquisition!”
Yes, there is little we can do to stop this lamentable crime wave, except to be prepared.