Tony Campolo Bust Spotted at S.A.B. Sky Zone Event
OAKS, PA — A recent incident at the S.A.B. Sky Zone Event proves that even Eastern alumni need a break from classes every once in a while. On the evening of Friday, Jan. 16, the marble bust of Tony Campolo, typically located in the entrance of the Eagle Learning Center, was spotted bouncing.
The bust in question was reportedly noticed at 11:37 p.m. after several male athletes, without realizing it, played with the bust for fifteen minutes, thinking that it was simply a heavy, stone basketball. “Who is Tony Campolo?” reported senior Greg Sobocinski, an eye-witness at the scene. Other students claimed to have spotted the bust earlier in the night. Gerry Stockmann stated, “I thought I saw it, but I could be wrong. I must have been bouncing seven feet high when it I spotted it.”
Vivian Lawrence was snacking on an Insomnia cookie in between bounces when he was hit in the backside with the missing bust. “It just bounced right through the air and hit me in the cattywhompus,” says Lawrence, who was concerned that the injury might diminish his musical genius abilities. No effects of the direct hit have been observed.
The bust was unable to be located at the end of the night, but Eastern bouncer Casey McGinty suspects that it “may have ended up in the foam pit, where it belongs.” Jason Jensen, another student in attendance, agreed, even going so far as to blame it for the big bruise that formed on his bald head after jumping in headfirst.
When asked, an S.A.B. official reported, “The bust’s safety is our primary concern. If the bust wishes to attend future Sky Zone events, it must wear appropriate padding.” A new line of fashionable bust padding is set to launch in April 2015, available exclusively at the campus bookstore. With every purchase of padding, customers will receive a bonus fragrance, T by Tony Campolo, as well as a cake purchased by the man himself.
Katherine Thomas 
Ella Curcuruto 
Lenora Kirkland