The Eastern Radish Your most (un)reliable news source*

Woman gets stuck inside WEPA machine

     An unidentified woman got stuck inside Warner Memorial Library’s WEPA machine. A work request was filed, but sadly Plant Ops did not respond for several weeks due to backlogged work requests. A handful of librarians attempted to pry her out with numerous methods, including rope, crowbars and even paper clips, but unfortunately, none of them are MacGyver, and it only caused paper to fly out of the machine. A witness to the incident claims, “She just kept hollering for help, but she was told repeatedly to be silent because it is a library.” One reference librarian, who shall not be named, heard the noise. However, she was assisting a student at the reference desk at the time, so the shouts were ignored.

     Even after the woman was successfully removed, the machine was still broken.

     At present, it is not currently known how she managed to get inside the machine; however, several psychic nuns and some Calvinists from last week’s conference have been hired to investigate the issue. Before the incident occurred, the woman was allegedly seen closely examining the WEPA machine. A representative for the campus explained that “future research must be conducted to see if any preventable methods can be taught to students so that this never happens again; however, it will take some time, as we are out of funds.”

     In order to avoid future mishaps, Eastern’s administration sent out an email to all students with the following message: “ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS, please be sure to exercise EXTREME CAUTION when operating WEPA machines. It has recently been discovered that these machines are EXTREMELY DANGEROUS MAN-EATING MONSTERS.”

*Please note: all Eastern Radish articles are satirical and do not portray real persons or events.

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