A well-known yet seemingly inexplicable fact of Eastern University is the existence of certain fruit-throwers: an elusive group that seeks to vastly improve Eastern University campus life by throwing a variety of fruits in seemingly random places scattered around campus.
It has come to my attention that there has been a general outcry against this practice. Micah Skinner, concerned citizen and expert in campus landscaping and fruit throwing, even disapproves of the fruit-throwers. Skinner reflects, “Dante was rather methodical with the way he imagined the structure of the afterlife, and especially the nine circles of Hell. Dante was one of the most brilliant minds of his time, so believe me when I say I am extremely hesitant and loathe to claim that he might’ve missed something. However, desperate times call for desperate measures. Nowhere, not even once, do those who mindlessly and violently hurl fruit at random locations on campus appear in any of the nine circles of Hell. Surely Dante might’ve added a 10th? My personal opinion is that this new circle might go between the 6th and 7th circle, the sins of Heresy and Violence, respectively.”
Disturbed by this violent reaction against the fruit-throwers who harbor nothing but goodwill towards the Eastern community, I have compiled a list of things that the fruit-throwers add to our community. Though the reasons for their actions have been carefully guarded by this clandestine club, I believe there are numerous benefits this practice brings to Eastern’s campus and student body.
1) Makes the campus more aesthetically pleasing. Eastern famously has a beautiful campus. With plenty of natural foliage and scenic ponds, upon first glance, one might think it would be impossible for the campus to be visually improved at all. That is, until you look closer and see the browning, crushed remnants of apples littering the path and realize they were what was missing all along. These ornamental landscape decorations scream, “We have fruit here!” They also give campus a well-fed, homey feel to compliment the more rugged aspects of the landscape.
2) Provides food for the wildlife. Speaking of well-fed, the wildlife at Eastern is greatly indebted to the magnanimous fruit-throwers as well. Even though Eastern has many naturally growing and occurring items for the various forms of wildlife to eat, it is certain that all the animals on Eastern’s campus would starve without the generous supply of fruit they receive regularly. Though these species somehow manage to survive in other environments without Sodexo fruit supplementing their diets, it’s a scientific fact that wouldn’t be possible here at Eastern University.
3) Promotes a studious environment. There is a reason that so many Renaissance paintings feature still-life paintings of bowls of fruit: it stimulates mental activity. Similar to a masterpiece painted by Da Vinci or Michelangelo, the existence of fruit simply sitting still on various surfaces expands the minds in inexplicable ways. The oranges that have rested atop the Janette Mall Cottage are a prime example of this phenomenon. As students enter the library through the side door, they are helped along in their brilliance by the close proximity of still fruit.
4) Good use of food resources. I believe that the aforementioned benefits the fruit-throwers provide to campus make this point self-evident, but there is no doubt the practice of fruit-throwing campus-wide is the best use of food resources possible. Despite the fact there is only a limited amount of edible food in the Dining Commons on any given day, the best use of food items that contain valuable vitamins and minerals is to scatter them high and low across Eastern, rendering them unfit for human consumption.
In conclusion, the fruit-throwers provide many invaluable services to Eastern University, and truly help to make this campus more beautiful and inspiring. If you yourself spot a fruit-thrower, give them a high-five for all the service they are doing for the Eastern community. And remember, anything that isn’t moving is a valid target.