ST DAVIDS, PA – Last year the Walt-Onion revealed the shocking news that “Donna MacIntosh” is actually a high-functioning MacIntosh Apple computer. This year a new revelation is upon us: the true identity of Philip Mugridge.
It has come to the attention of Eastern University administration that “Philip Mugridge” is not who he claims to be. This so called “Interim Executive Director” of Eastern University who purportedly warns community members about dangerous computer viruses, in fact, a highly dangerous computer virus. This virus is already responsible for the mass exodus of Dell computers in the library. At the beginning of the school year, all Dell computers were replaced with brand new flat screen Windows XP modules. This is not simply a cosmetic change, but rather a forced effort to fight against the Mugridge virus, which had already infected every single one of those old computers. “I grew tired of having to deal with extremely slow computers, as well as the issues with the WEPA machine” explains research librarian Joy Dlugosz. As of this reporting, the Mugridge virus has not yet infected the WEPA print services machine.
Much like the ILOVEYOU virus of the early 2000s, the Trojan virus Zeus, and the Mydoom computer worm, the Mugridge virus is something not to be taken lightly. A total of 10 million servers have been infected by this virus, including all computers in EU Tech Services. In response to this crisis, Eastern University administration has formed a special team of covert operatives, the Bettie’s Angels Task Force.
The Bettie’s Angels Task Force is comprised of four members. Heading up the operation is none other than Bettie Ann Brigham, communicating directly through speakerphone. “I am going to take down this virus if it’s the last thing I do. And it won’t be,” declares Ms. Brigham. Directly under Ms. Brigham are former nurse and ex-White House nuclear physicist Christina Jackson, former CIA director and horticulturist Julie Morgan, and former nun-turned-figure skater-turned-forensic analyst, Sister Andrea Reed.
Thus far, efforts to dispatch the virus have been met with failure, and very recently, the virus has manifested itself into Eastern’s email services. If you find yourself a victim of the Mugridge virus, seek medical attention, and login to WebAdvisor to change your password immediately.
Hannah Bonanducci 
Shane Witzer