The WaltONION

Weekly Happenings

By Chiara Behm 

Due to the last five weeks being cancelled for inclement weather and an Eagles’ parade, Eastern University will be condensing the majority of the missed events into the upcoming week — except (as always) for those pertaining to Esperanza.

Another note: Eastern University will once again be changing its slogan, prepare to see banners and paraphernalia boasting our new refrain: “Wake up the courage to wake up the courage to wake up the world.”

This Weekend

Friday, April 1st

Theatrical Production: Peter and The Starcatcher (Don’t even think about adding an “s”)

Do you have the deep longing for an amazing play with music? Still not convinced? What if I tell you the entire cast dresses as mermaids?

Saturday, April 1st

Spring Banquet

  Want a night of dim lighting, Dancing, and a considerable amount of regret? How about without any alcohol? This is absolutely your final chance to purchase tickets for Eastern University’s Spring banquet the cost per ticket is: too much.

Sunday, April 1st

               Construction: Kea-Guffin Lot

While Eastern’s student body is worshiping in church Sunday morning, construction will take place in the Kea-Guffin parking lot. Due to an overabundance of parking spots some will be replaced by more, well-needed park benches.

Additional Notes

— Both the lamppost signs and the outdoor promotional banners have gone missing. Please return immediately – we can’t keep on blaming Cabrini…

— Sandwiches made by the YACHT club have been being stolen by members of the student body who claimed to prefer this to eating in the dining commons.

— Eagle Hall has experienced a leak in one of its water fountains and either this, or the fact that is built on a swamp, has lead to its sinking into the ground at an accelerated rate. It is predicted to only have one floor above ground by the year 2020.

— Security advises students, in the sake of avoiding stepping in geese droppings, they ought to treat it as “hopscotch with higher stakes.”

— Though Eastern has not enforced a formal men’s lacrosse attire requirement, it is good to see that most members have already taken this kind of uniformity into their own hands. It would seem that shoulder-length hair concealed under a hat worn backward and pants tucked into socks is what has been chosen.

— Freshman found alive after spending two days and five hours in the west campus lot waiting for security shuttle. Luckily said student did not attempt to walk the trek back to campus or we might not have found him alive.

— Student found wandering two miles from main campus in search of new hammock park.

— Fruit strewn around campus previously thought to have been thrown wastefully by reckless youths turns out to be an exhibition from Eastern University’s flourishing Visual Arts Department.

— When a poll was taken it was found that 98% of Eastern University and Cabrini students would support Eric McCloy as a U.S. presidential candidate.

Electroboards for Sale

By Ray Miketta

Oh no, are the dry erase markers going dead again? Tired of erasing stuff over and over again for space? Ticked off when someone writes something not to be erased for a while but you need the space for lecture notes? Worry no more! Introducing the Electroboard! A revolutionary board that saves previous work automatically and is reusable for all! Simply write, save your work, and reuse! It’s that easy! Diagrams, lecture notes, pictures, and more!

             First developed in 1991, this authentic piece of technology will impact schools for years to come. Have an important message for the student body that you don’t want to be erased but it’s impacting space for other things like lecture notes? With the Electroboard, worry no more as the patented technology uses its one million microchips to process the information and save it for later use. And you may be wondering, what if the storage gets full? With Google Cloud integration, the Electroboard stores data unlimitedly. Even the nerds from Facebook would want to look at all this data! Each Electroboard set comes with one Electroboard, two ‘markers,’ a power cord, and a lifetime warranty and it can be all yours for one low, low price of $5,000. But wait! Call in the next five minutes and we’ll double your order. That’s right! Two Electroboards with everything included for the same low, low price of $5,000! But you have to call now!

A Miraculous Event

By SaraGrace Stefan

ST. DAVID’S, Pa. Eastern University was the location of an unprecedented miraculous event. The Waltonian student-run newspaper staff was absolutely dumbfounded by the complete lack of protest that occurred during and after the production of their most recent publication. After Issue 42 hit the stands on April 1, the Waltonian staff sat back and waited for the usual onslaught of corrections, protests, and concerns.

However, the editors’ inboxes remained shockingly empty. There were no complaints. In fact, no one even attempted to prevent the issue from being published.

“It was truly remarkable,” Sports Editor Susie Walton said, “The writing and publishing process was a breeze — all my sources responded quickly, I received quotes, and then wrote my article without any problem!”

Editor-in-chief Sandra-Grace Stephan remarked that the smooth writing and editorial process was unparalleled. “It was amazing. It was like everyone wanted to support the free press! I couldn’t believe it.”

The Waltonian editorial staff is truly baffled; what will they do with all this unexpected time? Stephan stated that since the newspaper staff does not need to run interference, print corrections, or halt printing in order to receive approval, they might use the surplus of time to go on retreat. “I normally need to sit in the newspaper office and check my email every 45 seconds or so, but who knows, I might take everyone to Hershey Park…I think we could all use a Reese’s Cup as big as my face,” Stephan said.

[Correction: The Waltonian staff has realized that the lack of complaints or corrections was due to a printing error. Issue 42 was solely comprised of 12 pages of “Humans of Eastern University.” No one could complain about that because we are a remarkably attractive and diverse community.]

Sodexo Satisfaction Survey

 By Rachel Covert

A satisfaction survey was recently sent out to students residing on Eastern’s main campus in St Davids, PA. The intent of the survey was to find out students’ opinion on the quality of food provided by Sodexo food services. However, researchers concluded that the results were obviously falsified and therefore unusable because in almost every regard involving students’ experience with the dining commons, students marked “Extremely Dissatisfied.”

       Confused at the overwhelmingly negative response from the student body, personnel in both the University and Sodexo’s research center decided that students may have misread the answers, even potentially believing that they were responding, “Extremely satisfied”, which makes sense given that most students seem to enjoy their food. Behavioral traces show that all the students who marked Extremely Dissatisfied still purchase a meal plan every year. Why else would Eastern students spend a substantial sum on food they do not even enjoy? The researchers could think of no alternative. One student claimed, “We literally have no other choice,” which researchers admit may play a small part in the purchasing of meal plans.

A second, follow-up  anonymous survey was sent to students who marked each item in the survey “Extremely Dissatisfied,” inquiring into the reasoning behind their responses. Researchers received such feedback as “That’s not a mistake. I just hate this food,” and “I once found a chicken breast with an entire mini-rib cage, so, yeah, I meant Extremely Dissatisfied.”

Beginning to suspect that the first survey’s results may not have been a fluke, researchers are initiating Stage Two: Focus Groups. Students are strongly encouraged to participate and are offered $10 Flex Dollars in exchange for their honest feedback (responders strongly in favor of Sodexo services are offered anywhere between $20-$50 Flex Dollars). Whether food services will be affected by responses from students is unclear, but if Task forces at Eastern in the past have gone to show anything, well, there’s always Eagle’s Nest*.

*Correction: We have Eagle’s Nest Monday through Friday afternoons.

Recovered Audio from Phone of EU Student Jared Maier

By Jared Maier

It has stumped and frustrated Eastern University students for generations: why must we keep our doors open during visitation? The student handbook states we do this to promote a welcoming environment in the residence halls and to make sure nothing promiscuous happens between two love doves before their destined to ring by spring. I asked my friends who are RAs; every single one of them gave the same answer, but I could have sworn that there was an air of fear about them. This has peaked my curiosity. For the sake of investigative journalism, my special someone and I shall stay in my room during visitation hours and we will close our door. We might even stay there into the night. I will do this on April 1, 2018, as my RA will not be here.

8:12 p.m.: I’m sitting on my bed with my special someone. She brought her own sleeping bag for the night, which I of course will sleep in, because I am a gentleman. Oh that was too brash. I’ll edit this out later. Me and my special someone predict that everything will be fine in the morning. Alright. I’m closing the door now.

-8:17 p.m.: The door has been closed now for five minutes.  I’m going to put on “The Shape of Water,” because it is a masterfully directed film.

-8:32 p.m.: Things are going as well as this film. No problems here. I’ll check in again, after the film is over.

-10:20 p.m.: The film just ended. Me and my special someone are having a great night. The closed door has given us a lot of privacy to talk about important things. Who’s the better Veggietales host: Bob or Larry?

-10:45 p.m.: We’re both having a good night. You know what, I think my special someone and I are going to lay together on my bed, and under the same blanket. I feel like a rebel tonight.

-11:06 p.m.: There was a massive earthquake on campus. It shook my whole room. We’re both alive. My TV has fallen right onto the floor. It’s smashed. Dang it! I don’t even think California gets quakes that strong.

-11:07 p.m.: There’s something scratching furiously on the other side of the door. It is definitely only scaring my special someone, and I am definitely not holding up a bed sheet in front of my face right now. Geeze. I got to learn to bluff better. Wait. The scratching stopped.

-11:09 p.m.: Word of advice to anyone who ever finds themselves in a situation similar to mine; if you hear infernal scratching on your door and then it stops, do not open that door. It looks as if I’m in some parallel version of my hallway. Everything is covered in black fire. My horror movie instincts are tingling.

-After 11:00 p.m.: Some bizarre creature just grabbed her. Oh, hell! What is going on!

-Further After: It’s hard typing while running after your girlfriend. I should have ran more in gym.

-Long After: I chased the creature…I think I’m at the pond. That green algae has turned to a frothy white. I think I see her on the fallen over tree. There’s something circling her. It’s geese. A flock of deranged geese are circling my girlfriend. Something large just emerged from the water. It looks like a giant snapping turtle. It’s got the tail of a squirrel and the head of a…I can’t quite tell. Is that a wild cat? It just opened its mouth. It said, “Be thankful it’s not a Wednesday.” The beast is raising its claws. It closed its eyes. Now’s my chance — I’m going to go get my girlfriend back. I’ve got a stick. I’m sure we can make it out of this. It’s not too late!

-Too Late: NO! BACK! BACK AWAY! AASFGGGHGHG

-End of Google Document-

**A reminder from the Eastern University Student Development staff: Residence Hall Visitation by members of the opposite sex is limited to a specific schedule: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday: 1:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m., Friday and Saturday: 1:00 p.m. – 1:00 a.m. During visitation, the resident’s door must be kept open. And remember, there is NO Visitation on Wednesdays.**