The Walt-Onion: Eastern’s Finest News Source

“Ring by Spring” Prompts New Eastern Dating Site

As many students struggle to find their soul mate before they graduate, the administration has decided to implement an online dating network, The hope is that students will learn how to have long lasting faith-centered relationships, based on an algorithm that matches students with their ideal soul mate within Eastern’s community. The website’s matching service will consider questions such as “Are you more faith, reason or justice?”, “What is your preferred version of the Bible?”, and “How Shane Claiborne are you?”

Once matched with an Eastern sweetheart, students can print out a certificate, which upon submission to an RD, will grant an extra 30 minutes of visitation for the couple. These 30 minutes, the administration says, would be for Bible study or light cuddling (without blankets) while watching “God’s Not Dead” on Netflix.

The website was set to launch in May so students can get their “Ring by Spring” before graduation, but due to legal conflicts with e(astern)Harmony, the launch date has been pushed back indefinitely.

Sources: Donna MacIntosh is Bettie Ann’s Alter Ego

An ongoing investigation on the source of the “Donna MacIntosh” emails has led The Waltonian to a surprising insight: Donna MacIntosh is the alter ego of Student Development Vice President, Bettie Ann Brigham.

Known to the student body as the Campus Services Coordinator, MacIntosh has remained a mystery. Very few have reported seeing her on campus.

Students have long questioned the identity of MacIntosh. Student Kit Apostolacus, formerly a philosophy major, says, “As we all know, identity is socially constructed…but seriously, Donna MacIntosh and Bettie Ann are literally the same person. Well, insofar as people exist.”

Investigations began when Brigham was seen carrying a dark black wig into the Student Development office, and several minutes later MacIntosh emerged.

Paula Redmon, a senior education major, says, “Just like Bruce Wayne and Batman, nobody has ever seen Bettie Ann Brigham and Donna MacIntosh in the same room, so I think it makes perfect sense.”

Heather McBride, a senior communication studies major, does not agree with the current conspiracy theories, thus putting forth her own theory: “Donna MacIntosh is a computer, obviously a Mac. Why else would we be getting emails from her at 2 am??”

Winter Results in Record Number of Class Skips

This past winter’s onslaught of snow and below-freezing temperatures inspired a record 34 percent class skip rate among students of the College of Arts and Sciences, leading Eastern to create the “Taskforce on Student Attendance and Effort.” A series of discussions and speakers are planned beginning Sept. 3, 2015 encouraging students to actually attend their classes, even if they are boring and it means slogging through the snow to Eagle Learning Center.

The Taskforce has also unveiled a new addition to the Campus Master Plan, effective immediately: plans for the construction of underground hamster tunnels linking every building on campus in the 2015-16 school year. The project will replace plans for additional parking around Kea-Guffin because it was described as “a more pressing need.” In order to fund this exciting yet costly venture, Eastern has decided to raise tuition again for this coming year.

In a recent press release, Eastern announced that the tunnels will “foster a sense of community among Eastern’s students by allowing people who were previously too lazy to walk to each other’s dorms during the winter to be friends again.”

No word yet on how Doane’s secession will impact their inclusion (see Eastern Beet).

Eastern Attempting Another Re-Branding

Even as “Wake Up the World” was beginning to take a, ahem, strong hold on students and staff, Eastern has decided the time has come for another rebrand. Eastern’s marketing team has begun tirelessly studying the most successful brands out there for ideas: car insurance companies. The department stated that their commercials “are always the most viewed on YouTube” and “are very funny.”

A number of ideas are being kicked around, with a few really starting to separate themselves as the most workable. One idea is to create a spokesman known as the “Eastern Newt,” who will make pithy jokes and pop culture references in an Australian accent. Another suggestion involves a khaki-wearing mascot named “Bill from Sodexo” followed by the words “Like a good neighbor, Eastern is there because that’s Jesus’ second commandment.”

Sadly, a suggestion for a campaign using only the words “Chicken parm you taste so good” has already been shot down.

The clear frontrunner as of this writing is the “That’s Eastern’s stand, are you in God’s hands?” campaign. If chosen, auditions will be held for the role of “deep-voiced African-American spokesman.”

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