Hello. How’s your day going? Is it going well? Mine’s going pretty smoothly. Why, just the other day I…oh…right. I shouldn’t talk about how good my days are. Here, I only talk about how bad my days are, but today I can’t. It’s a funny sort of thing, isn’t it? Nothing is grinding my gears. Yup, absolutely nothing. I tried to find something, I honestly did, but there’s nothing going on here that is making me the least bit mad. Nothing grinds my gears anymore. I think I’ve finally found a good lubricator. Here, let me tell you all about it.

It all started on a Monday afternoon. I walked into the Dining Commons with the taste of meat on my mind, but I so clumsily forgot it was Meatless Monday. When I got to the classics line I saw there was no meat, and I thought I would just fly off the handle and start throwing a huge fit, but I didn’t. I just kept on a-walking.

The next day, it rained really hard, and all of the paths got very flooded and wet. I was walking back from McInnis to my dorm room when I came across that really flooded bit at the bottom of the hill next to the softball field. I couldn’t jump over it, because there was just too much water. I walked right through it. My socks got all wet, and they were my favorite fuzzy socks. I hung them up to dry, but they’ll never be as fuzzy as they were. Once they were dry, I put ‘em back on to head up to dinner, and I walked right through that puddle again. Oh, well. Bye-bye, socks.

Even Eastern University’s poor websites don’t bother me anymore. Just this week, I tried logging into Brightspace, and then I tried logging in again, and again, and again. It didn’t work, so the Brightspace administrator posted a big billboard on the login screen that said, “Hey, sorry it doesn’t work, but it’s not like we’ll try to fix it.” Sometimes you just need to accept these things. That’s the way it goes.

I don’t think I can be mad at the world anymore. The world is such a wonderful place. Of course, I’m sure you’re wondering how I got into such a mindset. Actually, it was really easy. You see, “I slap floor.” It’s as simple as that. Nothing more and nothing less.

The following excerpts are from the secret undergound files of Doctor Gerry Stearson, from “the Institution That Sometimes Notices Outrageous Troubling Realities Everyone Always Looks Past.”

Case File: Patient 74b [Maier, Jared]

1/12/16 – Patient 74b walked into my office today for the first time. First thing 74b did was sit on the bed and ask me why I put paper over it. After answering 74b’s question he told me of his symptoms: low productivity and tense joints. In addition to this 74b said “I’m tired” 13 times, very similar to subjects 1a-73c. 74b had exhaustion. I recommended more caffeine. 74b said he didn’t drink coffee, and then he left.

1/21/16 – Patient 74b walked into my office, claiming he was feeling “worse.” Further examination proved this, as 74b’s symptoms had worsened: “nodding off more” in class, back hurt due to the weight of pack and yawning profusely. I prescribed more caffeine and gave 74b two Insomnia Cookies. I did not catch the last thing 74b said when he left, because he yawned.

2/3/16 – Patient 74b stumbled into my office. 74b slowly made his way onto the bed. 74b’s symptoms were far worse: glazed eyes, perpetual yawning, and clothes unkempt. During the examination he fell asleep on the bed. I mixed him a drink of coffee, and gave it to him to drink. After eight hours of repeating the phrases “it’s good for you” and “try it, you’ll like it” 74b finally took a sip. After another hour, 74b was finished, and he ran out of my office, as my nurse described, “like something out of the Looney Tunes.”

2/17/16 – Patient 74b opened the door to my office, mumbled something and then fell face down on my floor. My nurse helped me carry 74b to the sick bay. After 30 minutes, 74b opened his eyes and said, “So this is where you’ve been hiding the comfy beds.” Further examination of 74b revealed that his previous symptoms had not changed, and he had more: groaning when awake, rubbing eyes, scratching head, and constantly rambling about his “four three-page papers” and “several midterms.” I gave him another dose of concentrated caffeine, and he got out of the bed and left. “Good luck,” my nurse told 74b.

2/26/16 – I made a house call. I’ve never made a house call before in my life, except for all those house calls I made for patients 1a-73c. This house call was for patient 74b. When I arrived at his place, I knocked on the door. I think 74b responded with, “Goose?” I opened the door and walked into his room. I should have looked where I was going, because I stepped on 74b’s binders, 74b’s books, and 74b. He said, “Ouch.” His earlier symptoms had gotten far worse: physically incapable of standing, drooling over floor, and muttering the words “grinds my gears” over and over again. I had no idea what to do, so I did what any sensible man would: prescribe an antibiotic and get the heck out of Dodge.

2/30/16 – I saw 74b around campus today. He was smiling, there was a skip in his step, and his eyes were not glazed over. When I asked him where this change had come from, 74b said, “I took a nap.” END

“There are no observers here…You are an active participant,” Professor Teresa Moyer told me as Active Voice class began. This is basically what it comes down to. Professor Moyer says, “Trust me,” and if you do, you are all the better for it. Active Voice is a journey, and Professor Moyer is your guide. Along this journey you learn to understand yourself and what stands in the way of your vocal freedom.

Since the turn of the century, Moyer has been teaching Active Voice in order to help students learn how to breathe freely and be confident in their own voices. Active Voice class is designed to give students a “growing awareness of how the entire body and breath contribute to the making of sound… [and] identify areas of tension which restrict vocal freedom.” Moyer says her job is to “demonstrate more truthful, effective and powerful communication, [and give her students an] understanding of the free path of breath.” Not only do her students benefit from taking her class, but Moyer claims personal benefits from teaching: “I see my own developmen andmy own mastery of this.”

It is not just Moyer who believes in the power of her class; her students are amazed by what they have learned. David Dorwart says he sees the class as a place where “we can truly be ourselves, [and] support the voice God gave us. It’s spiritual integration.” This spiritual integration is one of the greatest strengths of Active Voice; several of the students also described the class as a parallel journey alongside following Jesus.

Active Voice is a very diverse class. Dan Edgar, states that he is taking the class “with a whole variety of people of all different grade levels.” Most importantly, Active Voice offers an environment where students can learn to be comfortable with themselves. Caitlyn Hinkle, another one of Prof. Moyer’s students, says this class offers “release” and it is a place where she learned to “live in [her] skeleton, and appreciate God’s creation.” Abigail Storch, another student, notes “This is a place where I am given permission to be fully myself, body and soul.”

I have never been a part of a class such as this one. Everyone there was so present in the moment. It was like they had been waiting all day (maybe even all week) to come back to this class. Participating in Active Voice was liberating for my voice; I felt free. I am definitely taking this class next semester, and I hope some of you, my readers, will join me.

Disclaimer: First off, yes, I do know I am wearing a black facemask around campus. Yes, I am aware that it makes me look like a ninja, lunatic, assassin, Batman, fencer, New Age video game character, and Kylo Ren. No, I am not just wearing it to look cool. I get chapped lips easily, so I wear it to keep the snow and the cold off of the lower half of my face. Just wanted to make that one known. Anyways, let’s begin.

Snow: I love snow. These little white flakes of condensed water are some of the coolest things to have ever fallen out of the sky. The way the snow hangs on the branches brings out another form of beauty this campus has to offer. Snow’s existence alone breaks up the monotonous cycle of the weather. If all I had was rain and sunshine all year long, I would be so bored. Since I have snow, winter has a reason to be cherished and seen as a wondrous time of the year. What I do not like about snow is…

Salt: After one snowfall, this stuff ends up everywhere. It gets stuck in the grooves in my shoes, and then it begins to wear through my already dilapidated sneakers. My Vans are going to melt before the streets are even hot enough to burn rubber. It’s bad enough I left my snow boots at home, but now the school wants to punish me for forgetting them? I’m sorry, alright. I’ll remember them next year.

Black Ice: I think this is one of the ways God gets His kicks. After years of trying, He realized banana peels were not slippery enough, and since He doesn’t want us to suffer all year long He made his most slippery and unsuspecting natural substance a once-a-year turmoil. Let me set the scene. It is dark outside, I have my backpack on so I am off balance, I am walking along through the night unawares, and then it happens. I slip on one of these patches, and everything changes. My foot climbs up to the sky as my butt races down to the ground. Both of them hit their marks, as my back is slowly pressed further into my backpack. Now I am lying in the street, flopping around like an upside-down turtle, and off in the distance I can hear two people laughing their rear ends off. I think God is also having Himself a good time up in Heaven. I don’t blame Him, though, because I must have looked ridiculous.

No Classes: Yes, the truth comes out. I have never been happy because a class was cancelled. The whole thing throws off my entire morning. It is nice waking up to snow on the ground, but I do not like it when I check my email and find out there was no reason to wake up today. It is a strange feeling for me. I wake up early in the morning, ready to take on another day of classes, only to find out there are none. Now I have to change my entire homework schedule in order to get ahead on some upcoming assignments, because I might as well since I have all this free time. Also, I have to check Brightspace for any snow day assignments, because my professors thought it would be a good idea to make me do some random stuff to keep myself entertained while I am slowly buried in my own fluffy white grave.

All This Free Time: Once all of that scholastic garbage is out of the way, I still have several hours left in my day to do…what? I could play in the snow again, but I just did that last night because that was when the snow was falling. I could go to my DVD collection and see what I can find there, but all of these movies are too good to watch alone. I have already watched all of my “Top Gear” episodes again and again, I might accidently binge “Code Geass” and watch the whole day pass by, or I could watch “Aladdin,” but I have already seen it countless times and have it memorized. Either way, my free-time clock is ticking, so I need to act fast before my whole day of unwanted freedom is gone. Well, I guess I should start writing my next “What Grinds My Gears” article. Hmm…what should it be about, I wonder.

MyEastern: This page is an assault on my eyes. Along with the slide show of Eastern’s photos, the multiple colored drop-down menus and the Announcements menu are enough to make me instinctively cover my eyes every time I open it. Once I regain my vision, certain things begin to stand out to me. First off, the Announcements section consists of news that have already happened, and the Events section is always blank. If they weren’t going to bother filling it in with information, why’d they put it there? The Self-Service menu is just that: it’s a ton of links with no real directions on what to do when I get to them. But, hey, that’s self-service; go on to the Student Accounts page, and help myself with planning my classes for next semester. Good luck knowing what to do when I get there. All of this is bad enough, but that’s not even my biggest problem with the myEastern portal. My biggest problem is that the web designers got rid of that cat. You know, the one you would click on in order to enter the myEastern portal. What happened to the kitty cat? I liked that kitty cat. That was the cutest thing, going into myEastern by clicking on this cute little cat. He had glasses on, and he was reading a book, and he was just so fuzzy…I miss him so much.

Brightspace: Controlled chaos, that is what Brightspace really is. Upon first glance everything seems fine, but once I begin to enter into its entanglement of drop-down courses, countless tabs that take me nowhere and infinitely long discussion threads, I regret all my life choices. Even a tab as simple as Content becomes a disaster zone when teachers go overboard on the number of boxes they have. Here we have two teachers: the really disorganized one who posts everything as several separate documents, and the teacher who is so organized they turn the sample for next week’s essay into the ultimate game of hide-and-seek. One last big problem I have with Brightspace is all the online readings. I can understand why teachers would choose to post an article online so everyone can have access to it, but I would prefer not to have to read more than 70 pages on my bright screen. This is just a personal preference, but the only times I like to stare at my computer screen for two hours are when I’m playing “Portal” or when I’m watching a DVD. I like to keep my reading in my hands bound between two pieces of brightly colored paper.

Eaglemail: This is the BIG one, literally. I have over 500 emails in my inbox, and I haven’t even been here a whole school year. Most of these emails are just spam. Whether it’s spam from Brightspace’s “Help Desk,” spam from the Office of the Provost with their weekly guilt trip about why I should go to chapel, spam from teachers who sent information about class via email and then posted it to Brightspace so I could have the privilege of seeing it twice in my inbox, spam from the Human Sexuality Task Force who feel it necessary to liven up my day by telling me about all the terrible things in the world that I’m not stopping, or even spam about campus news from people who desperately want to drill into my brain what events are happening this weekend on campus and how much money I should spend on them, it’s all SPAM! My inbox is chock-full of useless information and unnecessary GetDIBits I’ll never even open. At least every now and then I receive some very important emails in my inbox. For example I just received this one today that told me I should re-input all of my security information if I want to stay in school next year. Phew, thank goodness I opened that one, or I would have been a goner.

Two Days Later: SHOOT! That was a SCAM!

Today is the day. The day you spend rolling your neck, cracking your knuckles, and straightening your back. This is the morning. The morning you drag yourself out of bed before anyone else even hits snooze. This is the evening. The evening you are constantly rushing in order to keep everyone satisfied. Today is the day. It is your shift, and you will be working non-stop until you clock out. After all, working for Sodexo is the hardest student job on campus. Did you expect it to be easy?

So what does it take to work for the hardest student job on campus? It takes people like Katie Risley and Gaelan Campbell. Risley is the kind of freshman you would like to have around on a rainy day. Her sparkling smile and personality are matched only by her sunshine locks of hair. Campbell is your on-the-town freshman, with a style all his own and a grin that could win over the hearts of millions. Though Campbell and Risley have many differences between them, the two have one major thing in common: both of them work for Sodexo.

Sodexo is the food preparation department responsible for every meal in the dining commons. They provide the coffee at the Jammin’ Java, the cookies at the Breezeway, and the food at almost every event on campus, including homecoming. So why would Risley and Campbell want a Sodexo job if the workload is so trying? Though it’s the highest-paying job on campus, it certainly isn’t easy. “It’s work. You’re not sitting around. You are constantly moving,” says Campbell. “If I’m gonna earn more money than anyone else, I’d better be working.”

Risley describes her days at Sodexo as “super busy.” A typical day starts off with retrieving her uniform and hairnet from Walton’s basement. From there it can go in any direction from serving pizzas to making sandwiches at the deli to sweeping the cafeteria. Campbell’s day starts before the sunrise. At 5 a.m. he is out of bed and arrives at work in his pajamas. After he changes into his uniform, he starts his daily routine of getting breakfast ready.

Working at the Dining Commons requires a good deal of patience and a knack for customer service. This is no problem for Risley, because she greatly enjoys serving others. “I’ve always been a people person,” says Risley. “I enjoy seeing people that I know and talking with them.”

Though the hours may be long, the Sodexo staff does whatever it takes to keep their heads up. “We all try to make it as fun as we can. Because it’s a grueling job, we want it to feel like a good time,” says Risley. She and Campbell’s managers are very encouraging to their staff, because they know how tough of a job it is.

One of the most difficult aspects of working for Sodexo is the amount of varying opinions you will receive. Risley remarks that “it’s such a changin’ thing,” and you never can tell what students will think of the day’s meal. Sodexo sends out surveys to Eastern students in order to determine what foods people want to eat, but someone’s favorite is usually not everyone’s. “That’s the thing with food…In the library you’re handing out books and laptops, but in Sodexo everyone is unique, so they’re going to like different foods,” says Risley. One of the hardest aspects of being on the food staff is accommodating for everyone’s different choices in taste and texture. What might be a delicacy to one could practically be poison to another. “We have the allergy bar so we need to make sure to not cross-contaminate… there is the possibility of cross contamination and we warn them about that, but we do our best to make sure it doesn’t happen.”

Another aspect of Campbell and Risley’s jobs are keeping the kitchen and the dining commons in tip-top shape. According to Campbell the dessert room is cleaned once an hour, and people do not consider how much work it takes to keep it clean. Some act inconsiderately and fail to clean up the messes they make or pick up their trash. “I can’t say anything to these people…it gets really aggravating. These people feel entitled,” says Campbell.

For Risley though, any long day is brightened with the smallest of compliments. One time she was working at the deli and one of her friends told her she just made a really nice tuna melt. “Little things like that remind me I’m doing something beneficial for the students.” When you work all day it feels great to receive anything from a good review to a simple thank you.

Working for Sodexo is a demanding job, and it is surprising to see that neither Campbell nor Risley have caved under all of the pressure. While it is a hard job, it could be much easier if Eastern’s students treated the dining commons with the same respect its employees give it. The dining commons is as much a part of Eastern’s campus as the beautiful trees and the well-kept residence halls are. “Treat the dining commons like you live here,” says Campbell. “Eastern is your home… and you’re sharing it with a bunch of other people, so do your part.”

Moving Back In: The first thing I felt was a sense of déjà vu. The next thing I felt was, “I wanna hurt you.” While I was moving in to my residence hall at the beginning of the fall semester, it seemed every RA wanted to lend me a hand and make the move as easy as possible. This time, I received no help at all, except from the occasional door-holder. What is it that makes this move-in so much less important than the one in the fall semester? Maybe it is just because I did this already at the beginning of the school year, I should have the hang of it by now. Well, you want to know something? The load has not gotten any lighter from last time. Heck, it has gotten heavier and bigger, so could I get a little help here?

Reconfiguring My Appetite: I don’t know about you, but I spent a week of my Christmas vacation on a cruise. I dined on some of the most decadent food I may ever lay eyes on. The problem with having this fine food during break is that I have to come back to school and get used to eating Sodexo food again. I’m going from having roast duckling with cranberry sauce to having a half-baked chicken quesadilla. It’s hard enough I have to get used to shoveling this stuff down my gullet, again, but I also have to get used to eating it at a different time because of my new schedule. Speaking of segues…

My New Schedule: This change of pace is a nightmare and a quarter. My previous Tuesdays and Thursdays had me waking up early to make it in time to my 8:30 class, but now I don’t have any classes until 11:30. While I guess it’s nice to not have class until later in the day, I will still wake up early to get breakfast. I’m not sleeping in, nor am I staying in my room, so this amount of excessive free time seems rather unfitting for me. Well, perhaps it is not completely unfitting. It did give me time to write this. Perhaps I will consider it my “What Grinds My Gears” meditation time. A time for me to sit back and think about all the worries and apprehensions in my life and not let them go. Ah, how relaxing.

New Professors: All of my professors this semester are different except for one, so now I have to get a readout on all of these new personalities. My biggest problem with this is the change it brings to my work schedule. Last semester, in my COM class, I had to write a paper every week, and I divided up my free time to make room to write all of these papers. Now, however, my COM class is the easiest one I have in my schedule, and the only paper I have to write for the whole class will be 800-1000 words. Meanwhile, in one of my INST classes where I barely had to try to get an A, I now have to write for every article I read in the class. My workload has become all topsy-turvy because of my new professors, and I can’t tell if it is just the way it is going to be or if this is only the way they will act at the beginning of the semester. Even worse than all of this is the thought that I will have to work again. I was away for a whole month to relax and let go of my cares, but now I have to get used to being uneasy and tense from all of these upcoming writing assignments, projects, and exams, again! Not to mention, I have to buy new textbooks! I had managed to let go of all this anxiety while I was sunbathing on Deck 12 reading “Sherlock Holmes.” And somehow, I found a way to give up all of my misery when I set foot on the shores of Belize, but not any more. My school wants to put all of these frustrations back into my system. Well, if that’s what they want, then that’s what they’ll get!

GUESS WHO’S BACK, AND GRINDIER THAN EVER?

Halloween: I know what some of you are going to say: “Jared, it’s too late to talk about Halloween.” Well, it’s still too early to talk about Christmas. If people want to ignore the social convention of not skipping holidays, I should be allowed to talk about one that’s already happened. Anyways, Halloween night is a good night. You get to dress up and get free stuff from strange people you’ve never met before and will never see again. Halloween is a great night to get some exercise and hang out with some of your closest friends. So why are there people who insist on spending Halloween in their dorm rooms alone watching scary movies? It boggles my mind why some people insist on celebrating this night of harmless fun with friends by freaking themselves the flip out before bedtime. Even crazier than these people are those who want to watch scary movies, but don’t want them to be too scary. If you’re too scared to watch a scary movie, why have you decided to turn off all your lights, hide in your dorm room by yourself, and watch some R-rated blood fest? It’s not like watching a scary film is a rite of passage. You’re not going to wake up a braver person because you finally saw “Scream,” “Halloween,” or “Friday the 13th.”

Thanksgiving: It’s the week before finals. I’m getting down to the wire on all of my school work. Seems like a straight shot into taking those tests and then leaving until next semester, or at least it would be if not for Thanksgiving. What season is it even in anyways? I can’t say it’s in fall because there are no more leaves to come down. What do I even do on Thanksgiving? I head home with all my textbooks and study guides. I tell myself I’m going to devote a lot of my time to preparing for my finals, and do you know what I do? I sit on the couch, catch up on “Doctor Who,” watch “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” eat an exorbitant amount of food, and count the days until grandmas, papas, aunts and uncles show up to all ask me the same thing: “How’s school going?” You know, last I checked, school’s not going anywhere. I’m pretty sure it’s stayed right where I left it, and it will be right there when I get back.

Christmas: I think most of you are expecting something like this: commercialism has ruined the holidays. People go insane on Black Friday. Everyone’s forgotten the true spirit of Christmas. Well, I find it odd that stuff like this even bothers anyone. I anticipate the sudden hustle and bustle of my hometown’s shopping districts. I look forward to it. Besides, what compels someone to judge another based on how they celebrate a holiday? Don’t be the person in line at the store who’s thinking to themselves, “All of these people sure are acting pretty stupid by giving in to this commercialism. I sure am glad that I know the true meaning of Christmas. My life sure is straightened out.”

This Christmas: If you really do know the true meaning of Christmas, then show it. God came down from His eternal glory in order to live in our mess (our mess of long lunch lines, disorganized libraries, turtle instigators, and confusing campus events). If you are so moved by the good news of Immanuel, shouldn’t you extend some of His love to those you meet this season? To the other people in the store. To the bell ringers on the corner. To the employees working in retail. To your neighbors. To your family. John 13:35 reads, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (NIV). Let’s all do our part. Let’s be the people He has called us to be, not just this Christmas, but all through the New Year. Let’s all show God’s love in everything we do, and try as best we can to keep from grinding everyone else’s gears.

Thanks for reading my column, and have a merry Christmas.

Making Time for Campus Events: “So, did you hear about that thing that’s coming up? It looks pretty interesting. I think I might want to go to that. Say, isn’t that coming up soon?…Wait, what? That’s today? Yeah, sure, I’ll go with you…No, I just have this academic journal I need to start, but I think that can wait. This sounds like something I wouldn’t want to miss. No, I’m definitely down for it, sounds like a good time…No, I’ll meet you there. Great, see you there.”

The Auditorium: Where are those guys? They should be here by now. We’re supposed to arrive early, right? They’re bound to open these doors soon. I want to make sure we get good seats…“Wait, what did you say?…Oh, no, I’m fine, thanks. I don’t want any snacks right now, and five dollars is a bit much for a Snickers and a cup of fruit punch.”…Sheesh. You’d think they’d at least have opened up the doors by now. The show starts at 7 p.m. They’re not actually going to wait until the last minute to open these doors, are they?…They’re not going to do that. That would be ridiculous…They totally are, aren’t they?…Yup. I’m just going to have to wait out here. Man, I should have brought a book, or at least some homework…“Excuse me, miss, how much did you say the Snickers was?…Well, that doesn’t sound like too much.” (begins to gorge on Snickers) “Mmm, oh, that really satisfies. So, how much for the fruit punch?”

The Gym: Wow! That’s a lot of people! Must be a good speaker!…“Hey! How long is this line!…Huh!…What’d you say?…I can’t hear you…What, this is the line for refreshments? No one told me there would be refreshments! I already had an ice cream cookie sandwich at Walton!…No, yes, I’m stepping out of line! Which is the line to get seats!…Is there even one!…Wait, hang on, I’m getting a call from my friends.” (answers phone) “Yeah! What! Hang on! I can’t hear…I can’t hear you…Hang on.” (goes outside) “There, that’s much better. My ears are still ringing. So, where are you guys at?…The bleachers. Well, that sure is helpful…What?…The left side of the bleachers…That makes so much sense…No, no, I think I’ll be able to find you. Yeah, alright, I’m coming in now. See you then.” (hangs up, walks inside) “Hey! Can you tell me where the line is to get seats?…This is the line! No, the other guy said it was for refreshments!…It’s for both?…No, sure. It’s no problem. I can get in the back of the line.” Whoo, well, this had better be worth it. “Say, what’s the topic of discussion?…Human sexuality?”

The Field: “Hey, guys. Did I make it in time? Oh, the game’s been going on for a while now. Oh, well, how much did I miss?…What do you mean?…What do you mean literally nothing has happened?…No one’s scored a single point…So, who are we rooting for?…The ones in red? They’re both red…Oh, the ones in burgundy. What’s burgundy?…Oh, I should just root for the team my friends are on…Listen, I don’t mean to be rude, but I cannot tell who anyone is out there.”…Sheesh, this looked so much better on Eagle Vision…“So, how long is this going to go?…REALLY? That long?…You know, guys, I’m gonna go. Just, uh, call me when it gets good.”

After the Event: “So, what’d you think of it?…That good, huh?…Who, me? Well, I’m not really sure what to think of it. No, no, it was definitely worth my time. I’m glad I went…Yeah, well, I’ll see you around. I’ve got this academic journal I need to finish. Yeah…You know, in hindsight, I should’ve been working on that. No, I should really get started. I can’t put this off any more…What?…Oh, really? When’s that happening?…An hour from now?…No, sure, I’ll be there. Sounds like a good time.”

The Weather: In case you haven’t noticed yet, the weather outside is changing. It’s gone past the point of being oncoming autumn weather. Now it’s just straight up unpredictable. The weather is ruining my morning before I even go outside. After my alarm clock wakes me up with The Newsboys, I have to answer some pretty difficult questions just because of the weather, like: Do I need to have a sweater on? Should I wear my heavier or lighter sweater? Should I have a t-shirt on underneath this sweater? Should I have a long-sleeved shirt on underneath this sweater? Will the sun make the day too warm for sweaters? Should I just wear the long-sleeved shirt and be done with this sweater? Will I become too sweaty in this long-sleeved shirt? Do I sweat more when I wear just a long-sleeved shirt or when I wear a sweater with a t-shirt underneath? Or even everyone’s favorite, is it going to rain today?

The Woods: Well, now that I’m out of bed with multiple shirts on and one sweater tied around my waist, I make my way towards Walton for some good morning breakfast. It seems like it would be easy, but once I come across my first bridge I realize I’m departing from the comfort of civilization and going “into the woods.” Immediately I’m surrounded by all kinds of bizarre creatures in this untamed part of campus. There’s chipmunks skittering around like mice, gnats swarming in my face, frogs just waiting to get stepped on by those unaware, and daddy longlegs everywhere. Just take my word for it; those things are pure evil. Just when I can’t take any more of all of this nature, it appears before my eyes, like an escape sign from Heaven: the bridge out. After I make it away from all of that wild grossness I realize my backpack is a bit lighter than it usually is. I wonder if…oh, shoot, I left my binder back in my dorm room…“so into the woods you go again.”

The Turtles: On my second go through the woods I decide to take a look at the pond. It’s a nice pond full of fish, pond scum, and turtles. These guys are the coolest things on campus. They’re wild, untamed gifts of nature that show up every day at the bridge just to say hello to us. I enjoy watching them swim around and poke their heads above the water. They’re such fascinating creatures. Actually I don’t see anything wrong these guys. No, my real problem is with…

The Turtle Instigators: These are the people I have serious issues with. These are the people who walk up to the bridge, look at the turtles and think to themselves, “Gee, what beautiful creatures. I think I’ll poke one with a stick.” Why? What is the reason behind your need to poke this turtle? Is it because you want to see what the turtle will do? If you’re so desperate to know then here, I’ll tell what he’s going to do: NOTHING! You think poking his shell will make him start to flop around and do tricks just for you? At best he’s going to swim away from you. Of course there are those who kick the whole turtle-torture thing up to a whole new level. They will hurl mints at them, chuck leaves in their faces and drop an apple into the pond just to see what will happen. Do you want to know what will happen? The turtles will fight over the apple. Of course the turtles will fight each other over the apple, but come on – what did you expect to happen? If 20-foot tall aliens threw a bunch of iPhone 6s into a classroom odds are we would all be fighting to the bitter end to get our hands on one of those bad boys. What’s the point in watching turtles fight for food if you already know how it’s going to end? That’s not being an observer of nature; that’s just thinking of these living creatures as your personal entertainment. Come on, people. Can we please have some respect?

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