After a two-minute conversation over a light luncheon of Sodexo “To-Go” salads and Red Bull, Eastern University’s administrative leaders decided that, starting next year, most-but not all-of Eastern’s dorms will be co-ed.
President Black explained, “Such a cool thing should only be allowed in cool dorms.”
His decision was a direct response to the “We are Grown-Ups; We Should Have Co-ed Dorms” movement organized by three students last night in the Breezway.
Eastern leaders were initially hesitant to have co-ed dorms. Their main reason was that co-ed dorms would upset God to the point where He would make Cabrini more awesome than Eastern, as if that were even possible.
“We just didn’t want to upset the Big Guy upstairs,” said someone from the president’s office. “But, after a long and intense two-minute meeting, we decided that God wouldn’t mind co-ed dorms.”
Administrators were also skeptical of the idea because they thought that co-ed dorms would mean students would stay up late studying with people of the opposite sex and no one would get any sleep.
“Too much studying can be a bad thing,” someone important said. “And when you put students of the opposite sex in an environment that makes studying easier, what else are they going to do? You’re basically saying, ‘Here you go, students, study all you want.'”
However, Eastern personnel ultimately decided to have faith in the student body to control and manage their study habits.
Though the co-ed dorms will allow for men and women to share both halls as well as dorms, the open door policy remains. The fine for having someone of the opposite sex emerge from your room after the door was closed will be set at ninety-seven dollars and thirteen cents.
Details about how co-ed bathrooms would work out have not been released yet, due to the fact that no one really knows the answer. Reportedly, staff members are trying to decide whether having co-ed showers would be “too much.”
Will Cunningham 
Mikaela Brown 
Sophia Hunter