Campus overrun by zombies

Eastern has weathered its fair share of crises in the past. The school has survived blizzards, floods (both inside and outside of residence halls), sickness and tiny coffee cups in the Dining Commons. But never in the history of the University has there been a crisis like this.

Eastern has officially been overrun by zombies.

The outbreak began at about 10:30 a.m. on March 30, when security was notified of a person acting oddly out on the baseball field.

Officers arrived to find what looked like a student shuffling around the field. His clothes were ragged and he appeared injured.

When officers approached, the student unexpectedly attacked them, eating one and leaving the other two fatally injured.

The officers reportedly told witnesses that their attacker was not human. They both died soon after that.

Minutes later, the two men reanimated and attacked the terrified witnesses, devouring several of them and injuring the rest.

Within hours, the outbreak spread rapidly across campus. Warnings were sent out by the administration via e-mail, but by then the epidemic was already out of control.

At press time, it was believed that about 65 percent of the student population and a majority of the staff and faculty had undergone what is being called “zombification.”

President David Black called out units of the National Guard and quarantined the campus, and elements of the United States Army and Marine Corps are reportedly en-route to reinforce them.

The majority of the surviving students have barricaded themselves in their rooms. Based on the number of crashing sounds and subsequent screams heard all across campus, these efforts are proving only marginally successful.

One student, who would only identify himself as Jayne, said that he’d been trying to warn the administration for years about the zombie threat.

“They never did take me seriously,” Jayne said. “Looks like that’s finally changed.”

Unlike the rest of his fellow students, Jayne was not content to hide out in his room. Instead, he is actively hunting and slaying the undead all over campus, and he seems uniquely equipped to do so.

“I hid it in the ceiling of my dorm room,” he said, indicating his weapon. “It’s a pump-action Remington twelve-gauge, customized trigger, back-bored chamber. It is my very favorite gun. I call her Vera.”

Whether or not Jayne and Vera will succeed in their quest to single-handedly purge the campus of zombies is unknown at this time.

For now, the surviving student population is strongly encouraged to remain in secured rooms, block the doors with heavy, solid objects and stay away from the windows.