Ask Walt…

Dear First-years,

I know that coming to a new place for the first time is a scary thing. You’re in college with hundreds of people you’ve never met before, and you’re just praying that no one will notice when you walk into a glass wall thinking it’s the door. In honor of this occasion, I thought I’d take the opportunity to impart a bit of wisdom to you all.

Just a few things I thought you should know as you embark on what everyone will tell you is the best time of your life. Throughout your college experience, these will be the essential things to know:

Be nice to your roommate(s). Or at least civil. You have to live with them, and they know where you sleep.

Wear your shower shoes or you will get MRSA.

As long as we’re talking showers, guys, spraying yourselves head to toe with AXE is not the same as showering. Take a shower!

Girls, don’t hide boys in your room. If you get caught, you will get fined.

Guys, definitely hide girls in your room. Even if you get fined, it’ll be worth it. They smell nice.

Guys, girls play games. Get used to it. They don’t know any better.

Girls, try not to play games. According to someone who knows, boys can only think with one part of their brain at a time.

Everyone, your advisor is there to advise you, not to hold your hand. If you want to meet with him, you have to make it happen.

Go to class. You’re paying for it.

Dress weather appropriately. When it rains, it pours.

If you live less than an hour away, don’t do your laundry here. Save your money. Besides, Mom wants to do it.

Take out your trash. Especially if you have fruit in it. You will get fruit flies.

Girls, if a guy says, “I’m busy right now,” what he really means is, “I don’t want to talk to you.”

Guys, if you ask a girl what’s wrong and she says, “Nothing,” it’s always something.

If you drink the cappuccino from the dining commons, you will have to go to the bathroom soon after. Prepare yourself.

Shop around for your textbooks.

Study abroad. You will never get another chance to travel without having to pay directly out of pocket.

Finally, girls, if a guy approaches you and says, “God told me you were going to be my wife,” turn and run away. Fast. God will not tell a guy something that big without letting you in on it too.

This has been some friendly advice from someone who knows. Trust me. Take my word for it. You won’t regret it. Have an awesome first year. Talk soon.

-Walt

Got questions about life, school or relationships? Remain anonymous and get more advice from Walt. Write to “Ask Walt” at thewaltonian@gmail.com. “Ask Walt” represents the collective opinion of the Waltonian editors.