On Sept. 20, tragedy struck when it was announced to the media that bloated actor Brad Pitt and Oscar-winning-actress-humanitarian-U.N.-envoy Angelina Jolie, together nicknamed Brangelina, were divorcing after two years of marriage and almost 13 years together as a couple. Yes, the marriage that spawned “Team Aniston” and “Team Jolie” T-shirts and riots in the streets is ending. It is a day that will live in infamy, a day unlike any other, a sad day of “Burn After Marrying.” His and Her Royal Majesty were one of the most beloved couples in Hollywood, and their divorce marks the end of an era. Multiple theories present themselves: Did Angelina get tired of his constant drug use? Was she outraged at the way he treated their children? Did Brad have an affair with French actress Marion Cotillard? It should be noted that Cotillard is pregnant. Something major probably happened. Maybe Brad admitted to his affair with Marion, and she was like, “Um, I’m a lecturer at the London School of Economics now. I don’t have time for this.” Please date some hot scholar or U.N. person next, Angie! Leave Brad to be “hoisted by his own Pittard.”
Anyway, the BrexPitt ‘16 Scandal has exploded all over the Internet and beyond. I guess love is the “Pitts” after all. The tabloids were at the ready, printing story after story about “Brangeleaveha.” Pitt himself has released a statement explaining in part that “what matters most is the well-being of our kids. I kindly ask the press to give them the space they deserve during this challenging time.” They won’t. It is the press.
But what does America’s sweetheart Jennifer Aniston think? After all, she is referred to as the girl “whose heart was broken by Brad,” despite this being 13 years ago. According to beau Justin Theroux (she definitely upgraded, that’s for sure), they refuse to be a part of it, and they both feel for Angie with what she is going through. Is it possible that Angelina is PR-savvy?
All we know is that Angelina was in Syria the week of Sept. 18. Multiple sources report that “before Brad left for Croatia, some major drama went down between them.” Reportedly, Angie wanted Brad to get his drug abuse problem under control, which is why she feels that he cannot be “positive around the family.” Perhaps she wants to shame him into getting sober, which, if that is the case, means Angelina is literally a goddess among us.
But it gets much worse. There was an open investigation into an alleged child abuse incident onboard the Jolie-Pitt’s private jet several weeks ago, and Jolie filed for divorce a day later. It is alleged that Pitt was extremely drunk and got verbally and almost physically abusive with one of their six children. Reportedly there’s footage of the couple screaming at each other on the tarmac, which could be enough for anyone to say “Divorce in 60 Seconds.” Say goodbye to Pitt’s career if so.
Brangelina is dead. Long live Angelina the Solo Queen. Now she can be free. Although they have agreed to counseling and visitation, she will be forever marked as the woman whom Brad got with during his tryst with Jennifer. I hope she can move past this and branch out, for her sake and the sake of the children. She’s got the sequel to “Maleficent” and a new war drama lined up, so I think she will be fine. Essentially, the fairy tale has ended for “Mr. and Mrs. Split,” and true love is dead.