Back in December, in a video announcement, President Donald Trump announced the all new “Patriot Games.” This athletic competition is Trump’s exciting innovation meant to celebrate the mark of the United State’s 250th year anniversary. This tournament will be a four-day long event featuring numerous athletic games and competitions. As claimed on the “America 250” website, the Patriot Games promise to be an event that “celebrates discipline, sportsmanship and teamwork”
President Trump himself designed the list of games for the event. Men will compete in high stakes events like football, sprinting, barbell throwing, extreme hot-dog eating, screaming at high decibels and all while seeing who can grow a beard the fastest. Women will participate in roller derby, tennis, “hot-girl” walks, picking flowers and running while being berated. He additionally alluded to a portion of the program where all the tributes will compete with each other within a large forest with a dorm forcefield, though he did not go into specific detail about what the competition will be.
The games are set to take place sometime in the fall of 2026, meaning the recruiting process for participants is under way. According to Trump, “…One man and one woman from each state and territory” will be chosen to participate in the games. Due to Eastern University’s growing population and commitment to continually expanding the gymnasium, Pennsylvania has decided to select their two tributes from our own group of Eagles! President Matthews said in a statement, “We are so excited by the opportunity for the state of Pennsylvania to be represented by our very own Eastern Eagles. We are grateful for our tributes’ willingness to sacrifice themselves- or eh… for their strength and vigor in the challenges they will face.”
Last month, during the regularly scheduled Chapel time, Eastern students gathered in the McInnis auditorium for a drawing of the names. The air was tense with excitement as the SAB team, using the equipment for dining commons Bingo nights, pulled out the slips of paper carrying the names of the potential future athletic stars. The male tribute is the one and only Micah Chapman of Wednesday night worship fame. His name was called and the auditorium erupted in applause as Chapman crowd surfed to the stage, dawning his classic fedora.
When the excited uproar quieted the name was drawn for the women, “Cassady Curtorillo.” Yet instead of the enthusiastic cheers, there was only a single, piercing scream from Curtorillo as she begged not to be chosen. Luckily for both her and the image of the university, the bold and courageous Vesa Pema stepped forward and offered herself as tribute in the place of Curtorillo.
Now, with two athletes chosen to represent our great state of Pennsylvania, there’s nothing left for them to do but train! Pema and Chapman are more than prepared with a training schedule of over 32 hours a week. “We have to be prepared, they could throw anything at us and I can’t let our school down” says Chapman while speeding up his treadmill speed to 7.2. “That’s why I train in my jeans, y’know. Not only are they gonna be more durable in the long run, but they are actually much more aerodynamic.” Pema uses a similar tactic in her own training regimen. “The secret is my boots. They can’t be just any boots either, they have to be super heavy. It strengthens the calves.”
Pema and Chapman practice four hours a day, getting up at 2 a.m. everyday to hit the gym. President Matthews himself gave both tributes personal keys to the gym for full 24/7 access. Usually, they begin with a one hour run around Wayne, except days where Chapman trains for the hot-dog eating competition.
“It’s harder than it looks. It took a long time for the headaches and stomach aches to go away. There’s a lot of sacrifices that come with participating in the Patriot Games. I just can’t wait till I can focus on Wednesday Night Worship again; my singing honestly just hasn’t been the same since I’ve had to practice yelling at Vesa to help us both prepare.” Chapman chooses not to “berate” but to “pray for and encourage” Pema while she runs.
Pema herself has been extremely dedicated to her training, stating that it reminds her of taking ballet classes in her youth. “It’s a challenge for sure, I’ve always been athletic only in the ways that benefit my dancing. I think I’m getting the hang of it though.” Pema has even used her talents as a math major to her advantage. “I’ve actually calculated the perfect timing, effort and angle at which I need to throw a baseball for a perfect strike. I’m thinking with a little more practice I’ll get it down.”
In the fall semester, Eastern will host a party to send off our two tributes to their athletic endeavors.
