What Gets My Goat

1. Changing weather patterns without my consent. You wake up in your warm bed to your alarm saying, in an all-too-much-like-Willy-Wonka voice, “Good morning, sunshine! The earth says ‘hello’!” As you begin to scramble around getting ready for the day, you look outside to get a visual picture of the weather. ‘It looks fairly reasonable,’ you think to yourself foolishly. As soon as you step outside of your respective building, you regret your ignorance. Alas, the weather has changed without your permission. “Why does it have to be so cold today?” you cry out to God as you blame Him for not taking your preferences into divine consideration. As if to petition God and His foolish ways upon the earth (heresy?), you leave without putting on a coat. “There, God! Now I’m literally going to freeze to death outside.” No, no you are not. You are figuratively going to freeze to death outside. Get it right, millennials and social media users, get it right.

2. Having several specific courses available but not other specific courses. Class registration is an exciting time in which your wildest educational fantasies seem to come true for just a short window of time (and what a short window it is). Days before your window of limited opportunity opens, you imagine the results of your successful registration in a variety of courses. You can choose courses that address very specific topics. However, this poses a serious problem. Although we have access to great courses with specific content areas, this specificity keeps us from accessing other specific courses. How am I supposed to Wake ^ the World when I can take “Latin America’s Unbridled Reality”, but not “America’s Unbridled Latin Reality?” Prospective educators have the option of taking “Science and Health for Children”, yet prospective mad scientists and cannibals do not have the option of taking “Children for Health and Science”. We have “Post-Colonial Women’s Novels”, but how do they expect me to I learn about Post-Women Colonial Novels?

3. The minimal level of variety in the Dining Commons. No, not the people –  the food, you silly goose. Do you ever find yourself wishing that you had a bigger selection of food to choose from at breakfast, lunch and dinner? “Excuse me, do you serve Jackfruit?” “No, I apologize, Jackfruit is unavailable.” “What do you mean it is unavailable? Jackfruit obviously grows in India, therefore it obviously grows on Planet Earth, therefore you should obviously serve it in mass quantities! Do you even have brains?” How inconsiderate of them that they value the necessities of a larger population more than the desires of an individual. When you want steak for breakfast, you cannot have it. When you want steak at any meal, really, you cannot have it. You walk up to the Deli line: “Yes, may I please have Apple cider and rum?” “Uh, no, you cannot.” “Why not?” “Because alcohol is prohibited on campus.” “I DON’T CARE WHETHER OR NOT ALCOHOL IS PROHIBITED ON CAMPUS! I’M PAYING JUST A FEW THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR FOR NEARLY UNLIMITED FOOD! GIVE ME EVERYTHING I WANT!”

Comments are closed.