The Eastern Beet: THC Theological Trend: Charismatic Megachurch

ST. DAVIDS, PA — The mandatory annual change in theological trends within the Templeton Honors College is moving once more. As of Jan. 18, a surprising number of THC students and professors have been registering as first-time guests at local non-denominational, charismatic megachurches, a feat worthy of a friendly welcome e-mail from a pastor and a $5 Wawa gift card in the mail.

This new trend follows the 2014 trend of Eastern Orthodoxy, which followed the 2013 trend of Roman Catholicism, which followed the 2012 trend of Anglicanism. Other previous trends include, but are not limited to: the Presbyterian Church of the United States of America, the Presbyterian Church of America, the Presbyterian Church of the United States’ Territories and Minor Outlying Islands, and the Southern Baptist Church.

Although the new trend is widespread, individual students have different motives for making the change to a simpler theological scope. According to THC senior Kylie Roberts, “I just wanted a new environment with edgy music, fog machines, and a hipster coffee shop with a coffee-themed name.” Junior Daniel LaVenture, when asked about his transition from Anglicanism, reported with a wink and a grin, “I literally just stayed there for the wine.” LaVenture, along with many other Templeton Honors College students, now enjoys Welch’s Grape Juice instead every Sunday and first Wednesday.

“I love being in an environment where everyone shares the same beliefs as me, and critical thinking and scholarship are discouraged. It’s so refreshing. Plus, the pastors say the word God at least five times per sentence in their prayers,” commented Jake Nielsen, who recently made the change from Eastern Orthodoxy. “We are still Mennonites,” reported juniors Morgan Hess and Andrew Kauffman, in unison.

The new theological trend not only affects changes in denominational affiliation, but also those in social and political aspects of life. Abbie Storch commented on some of these changes, saying in a southern, submissive accent, “I used to be a feminist, but things have changed. I’ve really heard God’s voice in my life, especially while listening to the awesome worship band at church, and I think He wants me to marry a courageous, gun-wielding man who can be a leader for my future babies and I.” Traditional CAS students predict that the 2016 THC theological trend will be either the Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations or the Christian Church Against Harry Potter.

One Comment

  1. Steven Petrillo

    That was almost clever, Chad.
    A well-executed cheap joke.