Fixing the Warner Library Door

      It’s an atrocity on our campus. Students scream in terror before it. Small children run in fear from it. Professors are generally miffed by it. I am, of course, talking about the library’s broken door!…Wait, what?…They fixed it…

      It’s a miracle on our campus. Students cheer for it. Small children adore the sight of it. And professors are still generally miffed by it. I am, of course, talking about the library’s formerly-broken door! Sometime near the end of February, the door was completely fixed…Wait, what?…Oh, geez. The door has been partially fixed. While it can open and close, it does not open and close with the handicap button. Progress is progress.

      How did the library door become sort of fixed? How did such a miracle come to fruition? A brave soul on campus saw the signs on the door that read, “Broken.” They saw a traffic cone in front of it one day, and they said they had enough and started a GoFundMe campaign to fix the library’s door.

      On their GoFundMe page, the starter of the campaign writes, “Allowing the door to remain broken is the moral equivalent of breaking it ourselves.” The page as of this moment has received 35 shares on Facebook.

      After securing an astonishing amount of donations…Wait, what?…You’ve got to be kidding. After securing exactly zero donations, the GoFundMe campaign gained awareness on one of Eastern’s Facebook pages. Ted Merriman, an employee at the Warner Library, posted this comment on the GoFundMe’s Facebook post: “[The door is] most likely going to be replaced during the renovations. No sense fixing something that will be thrown away a few months from now. Also it’s better this way for now because it takes too long to close on its own, which is a bad thing in the wintertime. We put the traffic cone up because people weren’t reading the signs…which is rather ironic considering it’s a library entrance.” This quote by Merriman clearly states that the GoFundMe campaign was crucial to the fixing of the door. It’s just never stated directly; you have to read between the lines.

      *Editor’s Note: This piece is totally and completely satirical, though the GoFundMe page for the library door does in fact exist. Additionally, we would like to thank Eastern administration for attending to this matter and fixing, sort of, the library door.