Doane Hall to Secede From Eastern University

The Eastern Beet

ST. DAVID’S, PA — Residents of Doane Hall announced their plan to secede from the rest of the St. David’s campus on March 13, citing “differences in behavior and etiquette” as their reasoning. Those for this action of separation cite “untrue stigma” as their reason. Ever since Doane’s addition to the St. David’s campus on the Eighth Day, Eastern University students have known it to be a place of mystery, weirdness and abominations of human life.

Casey McGinty, a junior in Gallup Hall, states, “I see them go in and I see them go out. That’s all I need to see to know that nobody should ever go in there.”

While some students are very wary of Doane’s haunting presence on the St. David’s campus, others are more adventurous. “I was brave one day and decided to take a tour of the building. I was enjoying my explorations until I started hearing voices!” reported Sparrowk resident Jessica Figueroa. It was later revealed that the voices were real, a result of the thin walls found throughout Doane Hall.

Other students commented on the social behaviors and activities of Doane residents. “It’s like they stay there because they have nowhere else to go,” stated Joanna Schlatter, a resident of Hainer Hall. Students of Doane Hall typically do not go elsewhere because of the “Middle-Earth-like journey” that must be taken in order to get to other residence halls. Students also noted that Doane residents are “socially removed in a middle-school-youth-group-kind-of-way.”

Many Doane residents have different views about their residence hall of choice. “Doane is great,” said Corbin Ferguson as two residents fought with magic wands and Poké Balls in the background. “There are a lot of fun people living here, and you get to see all sorts of wildlife – not just the bats, squirrels and rats that hide under your bed and scurry around in the ceiling – some of the residents tend to be quite primitive.”

Doane intends to secede from the University and create its own institution for higher, more awkward, quasi-academic learning and board gaming. The new institution will include a rooftop organic garden, a real haunted house and ample space for Hide and Seek. While most residents are happy about the big change, some are less optimistic. Several residents intend to escape the clutches of the residence hall before they are stuck forever, including some first-year students who were randomly placed there. “Get me out of here,” they pray quietly every night, as to not disrupt the intense game of Settlers of Catan happening on the other side of their room.

When questioned about the desire to secede from the rest of the university, an anonymous president stated, “Good riddance!”

“I am particularly delighted to see this great change happening in the lives of my bountiful residents. Cheers to new generations of awkward behaviors,” said Doane Hall, in a voice resembling that of Gandalf the Grey. Wait a minute, the building can speak?

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