A diner massacre, a meat grinder, a body stuck in a windshield, and a UFO. What could possibly go wrong? I am going to be tackling something a little different here. I have chosen to do a review of the second Fargo series, which aired from October to December of 2015. The series has won seven awards, and has been nominated for an additional fifteen. I have made multiple allusions and shout-outs to Fargo in my past reviews, so it is about time I tackle quite possibly one of the greatest series of last year. You betcha!

There have been two seasons of Fargo so far, and every season is different, so essentially you get to slack off: you don’t have to watch a previous season to understand the following one. Lucky you. We begin in late winter of 1979, hot on the heels of the Reagan presidential campaign. A massacre at a Waffle House near Luverne, Minnesota, and a fatal hit-and-run introduce us to our ragtag bunch of misfits. Three different storylines converge from this point forwards, each intertwining with the others, which is one of the show’s strengths.

First, we have the police force investigating the murders at the Waffle House, consisting of Patrick Wilson as State Trooper Lou Solverson, and his partner in crime and father-in-law, Sherriff Hank Lawson, portrayed by Ted Danson. Next, we have a Kansas City-based crime syndicate, headed by no-nonsense family matriarch Floyd Gerhardt, in an award winning performance by Jean Smart. The stars of the season are a husband-and-wife team, the Blomquists, portrayed by Kirsten Dunst and Jesse Plemons, who may appear normal and wholesome on the surface, but are hiding their own personal demons. Dunst, in particular, is the standout of the season and was nominated for three awards, most recently winning a Critic’s Choice Award for her performance. (Please expect her to win even more awards, because God commands it.) Playing a small-town beautician with big dreams, her portrayal of compulsive liar Peggy Blomquist is equal parts charming and refreshing, having just a touch of insanity mixed with standard wholesome 1970s hospitality. Her interactions with husband Ed are just believable enough to make you root for her. In supporting roles we have one of the Culkin brothers as youngest Gerhardt sibling, Rye; Cristin “How I Met Your Mother” Milloti as Lou’s wife Betsy; and Ron Swanson himself, Nick Offerman, as Detective Karl Weathers.

For a show set in the 1970s, the crew went all-out to retain that nostalgic sense. Everything is accurate to the time period. From the costumes, to the hairstyles, to the cars, this show has it all. The music is all vintage, with songs by Fleetwood Mac, The Dramatics, Bobby Gentry, Jethro Tull, and Pink Floyd, among others. If I had any complaints about this show (as you know I always do), it would be that the characters in Fargo talk like Sarah Palin. Expect to hear a lot of, “Oh y’know” and “Oh yah!” However, none of this should deter you from watching one of the funniest, darkest, cleverest shows of the past year.

Along time ago (39 years ago to be exact) in a galaxy far, far, away…George Lucas decided to create his own space fantasy epic that the world would come to know and love as Star Wars. Yes, it has been over 30 years since Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and Carrie Fisher sold their likenesses to George for profit. As the seventh installment in the series, many were fearful that the film would crash and burn like its unfortunate predecessor, Star Trek. However, in a stroke of pure luck, Abrams managed to create one of the most groundbreaking franchise films I have ever seen. But now, we have a few new faces to add to that roster, thanks to the record-breaking box office winter smash hit, “The Force Awakens.”

The film focuses on events some time after Return of the Jedi. Han and Leia are dunzo, and nobody has heard from Luke Skywalker. A nomadic junk scavenger named Rey teams up with ex-stormtrooper Finn and a rebel alliance pilot, Poe, to stop the newest threat to the galaxy: the New Order.

This is the first highest-grossing sci-fi film in history to feature a woman and two men of color as the main protagonists. For the first time ever, little girls can actually look up at the screen and proclaim that they want to be just like Rey. For once, the women in a film are not over-sexualized. Series favorites such as C-3PO and R2-D2 return as well, and Glenn Michael Creamer returns to his roots portraying everyone’s favorite wookie co-pilot, Chewbacca.

Essentially, the gang’s all here, and they return in full form. Harrison Ford has aged somewhat, but with grace, something I find interesting, considering his wife looks like she’s either slowly melting or auditioning for a Joan Rivers biopic. Drug and electroshock-free Carrie Fisher is back as Leia Organa, sporting a fitting hairstyle. Newcomer Daisy Ridley portrays Rey, and John Boyega tags along as Finn. Oscar Isaac portrays Poe, and they also have a little spherical droid, BB-8, who has gone on to become the true breakout star of the film. The world’s most hideous looking hipster, Adam Driver, portrays villain Kylo Ren. If I were to talk any more about Driver I would need to vomit into a bucket between sentences. I would like to report that Star Wars has dethroned Dances With Smurfs (I mean Avatar), as well as Titanic and Jurassic World (Sarah Todd would like to issue an apology to Chris Pratt because she enjoyed Star Wars so much more) as the most popular modern day sci-fi flick.

Rey is one of the most popular characters in any media form, and the extremely positive reception caused merchandisers to issue second waves of Rey merchandise. Rey’s presence makes the hardcore fanboys weep, because she is a woman, and they do not like to see progress in today’s society. To them I say, “Ha! Suffer.” In addition to Rey, Gwendoline Christie and Lupita N’yongo also appear in the film, portraying Phasma, captain of the First Order and space pirate Maz Kanata, respectively. For a franchise with more male characters than female characters, I think it is safe to say that progress and change can indeed happen, and this film has proven that very fact. Star Wars has once again proven that it is a fantasy sci-fi first, and it continues to capture our hearts and minds.

Ah, how I enjoy “The Hunger Games.” You and your family sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, when suddenly your grandmother jams her fork into the table in a declaration of war, then your sister throws her knife at your head like it’s a dagger, then your parents proceed to slit each other’s throats in a bloody dining room battle to the dea–oh…wrong Hunger Games…

Normally, I do not care to review films based off young adult books, however I find “The Hunger Games” to be rather intriguing, despite the fact that it is based off of the Japanese novel-turned-manga-turned-film “Battle Royale,” which is in turn based off of Stephen King’s “The Running Man.” This film is yet another book adaptation split into two parts (Harry Potter anyone?), and in this case, “Mockingjay” is the most polarizing book in the “Hunger Games” trilogy due to bad pacing and plot. However, I rather enjoyed the conclusion to this tiring series.

To start things off, our heroine, Katniss Everdeen, portrayed by Jennifer “She Gets To Kiss Chris Pratt In Next Year’s ‘Passengers’ Film Therefore I Hate Her” Lawrence continues her assault against The Capital. A merry bunch of misfits joins her, including Josh “Legohead” Hutchinson as Peeta, Liam “Inferior Hemsworth Brother And Former Cyrus Fiancee” Hemsworth as Gale, and Sam “British…that’s all” Clafin as Finnick. Their goal is to liberate the citizens of war-torn Panem to assassinate President Snow, portrayed by Donald “He’s Still Alive?” Sutherland. Assisting the gang on their journey this time is Margaery Tyrell herself, Natalie Dormer as Cressida, a resident director of The Capital. (Dormer’s fellow Game of Thrones costar Gwendoline “She’s Very Tall” Christie is also new to the series, playing Commander Lyme, a relatively small role.) Woody Harrelson and Stanley Tucci are also in the film in supporting roles, but both are woefully underused characters.

If you have seen the previous films, you know that Katniss Everdeen approaches the Games themselves in pretty much the same fashion that Angela Anthony tackles graduate school: with fierce determination and skill. Standing in Katniss’ way, in addition to Snow, is the brilliant grey-haired president of the rebellion, Alma Coin, played by Julianne “I Saw Her in Person and I Love Her” Moore. Coin dresses like “X-Men” villain Magneto and she has an absolute hatred of Katniss. She is involved in one of the biggest twists in the series. In addition to all of these, we have Lauren Bujaky look-a-like Jena Malone, as Johanna Mason, who returns to the series in full form. Elizabeth Banks returns as Effie Trinket, as well as the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman in his final, fairly minimal screen role as Coin’s PR person, Plutarch Heavensbee. Try saying that name three times fast!

This film serves as a fitting conclusion to the franchise, but it is dour and oddly paced, unless you watched the first three films. There is plenty of unnecessary downtime in this film and some distractingly poor lighting. Hemsworth’s portrayal of Gale is essentially Edward Cullen with a pulse and a pout, and I cannot stand Hutchinson’s Lego-shaped head and face. One thing it does right however, is that it successfully resolving the story for its long-suffering characters. Katniss Everdeen has finally reached the end of her painstakingly emotional journey, as have the viewers of these films, which may be you.

“Pan” is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. In all honesty, I rank it among the worst of the worst. Every Razzie Award can go to it for its sheer awfulness. Never in my life have I wanted to burn filmstrips so badly. Nobody cares about Peter Pan, and besides, the ABC show “Once Upon A Time” already did their own terrible rift on the Pan tale. This film is essentially someone’s horrid fanfiction story come to life, and it is a story that makes no sense, despite being the oldest, most warn-out narrative in human history.

Let us dive into this hot mess of a film, which contains whitewashing, overuse of CGI, and one of the worst plot twists imaginable. This film is just drenched in CGI. The ships. The landscapes. Almost everything is CGI, and it is obnoxiously noticeable. It’s almost as if the director thought, “Hey, let’s blow all of our budget on CGI, and waste everything else!” The film stars some child actor as Peter Pan. I feel bad for this child (who I cannot even name) because this is going to be a black mark on his career. It starts with infant Peter being left on the doorstep of an orphanage by Mary Darling, who is portrayed by Allentown, PA native Amanda Seyfried. Karen Smith of “Mean Girls” has come a long way from wanting to go to Taco Bell and curiously knowing the weather. So, where exactly is Wendy Darling, and why is Mary Darling the mother of Peter Pan? One night during a bombing raid, a gang of pirates swiftly transport Pan to Neverland with a flying ship that goes head to head with a Royal Air Force plane, because he is the “chosen one.” Also, it turns out Neverland is basically a giant mining pit in an alternate dimension. Yay, forced labor in Neverland! (Why is this happening?) It is there we get ruthless pirate Captain Hook…I mean Blackbeard. Yes, they could not even be bothered to have Hook in this film; it is that bad. Blackbeard is played by Wolverine himself, Hugh Jackman, who I can only assume did this for the money.

There is a truly awful musical number between Blackbeard and the Lost Boys when Peter first enters Neverland, in which they sing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” It is as bizarre as it sounds. This is not a Baz Luhrmann (of “Romeo + Juliet” and “The Great Gatsby”) film, so why do you bother? You will never be “Moulin Rouge.” But one of the worst atrocities in casting and film history, equivalent to Mickey Rooney’s racist Chinese caricature of Mr. Yunioshi in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” is that of Rooney freaking Mara as Tiger Lily. Yes, you heard me, a privileged white woman of European decent playing a full-blooded Native American woman. It is 2015: why are we still doing this, Hollywood? I half-expected a scene where Amanda Seyfried comes out of whatever barrel she’s hiding in with a riff on her “So why are you white?” line from Mean Girls.

Furthermore, I cannot understand Mara’s decision to do this. If you needed the money so badly (which is a lie considering daddy owns the New York Giants), couldn’t you just…not accept the offer to star in this film? I should also mention Kirsten Dunst’s flame Garrett Hedlund is also in this movie, but I am offended enough as it is. This film now has a spot at #7 on the list of the biggest box office bombs of all time, and it tanked in China, placing lower than Disney’s “John Carter.” I hated this movie — hated every simpering, stupid, vacant, audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. I spit on this film. Shame on you, Joe Wright. How could you go from “Atonement to Hanna” to this steaming pile of fecal matter? Word of advice: Nobody cares about alternate retellings of classic stories anymore! The trope is overused as it is. Get some new whitewashing-free ideas please.

Oh “The Martian,” how overrated you are. Based on the 2011 science fiction novel of the same name by Andy Weir, you are essentially “Hatchet” in space. Your premise is pretty basic: an astronaut gets stranded on the planet Mars. Matt Damon (no, not Matt “Please watch ‘Fargo,’ only on FX” Damon) portrays NASA astronaut Mark Whatley, the lead character throughout the film. Imitating Sandra Bullock in 2013’s “Gravity,” Whatley gets stranded in space after an accident aboard his ship. I hate Matt Damon because he’s the boring generic white male lead, so let’s talk about the other characters!

Drew An Brubaker – wait no, I mean Jessica Chastain (is that Bryce Dallas Howard coughing in the distance? It seems we have come full circle with these reviews…) portrays Melissa Lewis, the commander of the ship. Joining her are SNL-alum Kristen Wiig as a NASA spokesperson (a drastic change from her regular comedic roles) and Jeff Daniels as the NASA boss. In supporting roles, we have the always bland and forgettable Kate Mara, the daughter of Timothy Christopher Mara, a famous NFL scout. Before you ask, yes, nepotism. She also used to date and subsequently broke the hearts of precious Charlie Cox, (who you can see on Netflix’s “Daredevil”), a not-dead-for-once Sean Bean, everyone’s favorite brainwashed soldier Sebastian Stan, and Chiwetel Ejiofor (I still mourn the loss of his Oscar to stupid McConaughey).

The very British Ridley Scott directs the film (who is also responsible for one of my favorite films ever, “Thelma & Louise,” as well as the “Alien” franchise), who never fails to deliver with pretty landscapes and cinematography. Think a nature documentary, but in spaaaace!!!!

The film’s score is surprisingly good as well, and will not make your ears bleed like the trailer for “Prometheus” did. The film soundtrack incorporates elements of disco, with hits by Vicki Sue Robinson, Gloria Gaynor and Donna Summer, making it similar to last year’s “Guardians of The Galaxy” soundtrack, “Cherry Bomb” not included (Chris Pratt, I love you xoxo). Also, keep your eyes peeled for a very clever nod to “The Lord of The Rings.”

After the film’s release, many clueless people were tweeting about how they believed the film to be a true story. I laugh at their stupidity because I have no soul. For the record, this film is not based off of a true story. (FYI, humans have never set foot on Mars.) Tori Hoff and I have both sat a few feet away from Julianne Moore, which is a true story. But no, this is a work of fiction. I hate myself for actually enjoying this film simply because it kept me on the edge of my seat. Seriously though, can we get Nicole Kidman lost on Venus next time? I would pay to see if her accent slips in the process.

Biographical films are all the rage nowadays. They can be either good or bad. Occasionally you have impactful films, such as “12 Years A Slave,” “Belle,” and “Walk The Line.” Other times you are stuck with box office bombs like “Sylvia,” “J. Edgar,” or “Jobs.” “Black Mass” is neither of those things, and it misses the mark in more ways than one. Johnny Depp breaks away from his love affair with Tim Burton to portray James “Whitey” Bulger, one of the most notorious mobsters in history. Depp dons prosthetics and a pair of contact lenses that make him look almost inhuman, but it fits the character well, as he does play a psychopath. But even his stellar performance cannot save this film from sinking beneath the waves of biopics from this past decade.

Watching “Black Mass” is like being given a set of puzzle pieces, trying to build out as much of the puzzle as possible, and then finding out that you cannot fit all the pieces together. The film never quite knows what it wants to be. Am I watching a drama? Am I watching a crime caper? Am I on something? The film also does not give any context as to who Bulger is and why he does what he does. Benadryl Cucumbersnatch — I mean Benedict Cumberbatch — gives a passable performance as Bulger’s brother William. When you are casting the brother of a man that makes you want to regurgitate, you choose the closest thing to a lizard that you can find. Jesse Plemons (Meth Damon as he is known in some circles), soon to be seen alongside the always pleasant Kirsten Dunst (yasss Queen Kiki!) in the FX drama “Fargo,” gives a relatively good performance as

Kevin Weeks, former protégé-henchman to Bulger. Rounding out the rest of the cast are “Fifty Shades” star and product of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson’s nepotism (oh hey Bryce Dallas Howard girlfriend!!!) Dakota Johnson as Bulger’s much younger girlfriend Lindsay Cyr. No, seriously, they pulled a Jennifer Lawrence in “American Hustle” with this one, and it still manages to come off just as bad. (In real life, Lindsay Cyr had a love child with Bulger when she was 21 and he was 37.)

The film tries to make itself look better, but fails miserably. Johnny Depp is basically playing Ray Liotta playing Whitey Bulger with a sprinkle of Robert DeNiro thrown into the mix, which does not translate well on screen. The film is clunky and disjointed, with plenty of pace and editing issues. It made me want to crawl into a hole. The last time I saw a film this bad in theaters was when my grandmother and I went and saw “The Devil Inside.” The ending of the film made her so mad that she ran to the box office and attempted to strangle the ticket clerk. Johnny Depp explained at the Boston premiere of the film that he sympathized with Whitey Bulger, and that he feels the man has a “kind heart.” That would be like me saying that Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd are two of the most hideous people alive; it is simply not true. Bulger is a murderer, so do not idolize him. It is as if there is a giant sign above his cell saying “Pure Evil.” In closing, I would like to say that this film did have some potential, but if we are being honest, I have passed kidney stones more painful than this film.