What boils my egg

There is a certain point in everyone’s life where they realize who their true friends are. Be it the ever-reliable jock that is always there to spot you during a tough workout, or the cheery drama girl who offers her ears and some kind, encouraging advice, the amount of possibilities for these relationships are endless. However, these friends do not come without flaws…

You know what really boils my egg?

Jon Finn. I suppose it would be more appropriate to ask the question of “who” rather than “what,” but I find it difficult to classify Mr. Finn as a “whom.” And he has had this one coming, for his tyranny has lasted for far too long.

Jon Finn, if you are unaware, is a senior here at Eastern University. Ranging somewhere between 6’3″ and 10 feet tall, he is a man of gargantuan stature. His intimidating size has been known to scare both professors and prospective students alike.

What’s worse, he portrays the role of a nomad, by wandering aimlessly around campus. He clings to several different social groups during this, like a small child onto a mother, or a parasitical entity. All the while, he attempts to bring chaos with his blank, green-eyed stares.

Oh, those stares. They can pierce the souls of many innocents. It is as if he seems to speak with his eyes, “You are unworthy of being in my line of sight. Remove yourself, you unworthy peasant, before I flare my nostrils in your general direction.”

It is this kind of demeanor that acts as a deterrent to everyone that comes within a ten-foot radius of his presence. Where have we gone wrong to bring about such agony? How could we let something like Jon Finn continue to live on this beautiful campus?

It is because we have grown apathetic to his existence. Some of us, dare I say, have even become amused by his awkward drifting and quick quips. We have no one but ourselves to blame for the allowance of this man to continue his ways.

Jon Finn serves as a reminder of our neglect. Honestly, can we truly say this brown-haired being is a contributing member of society? I cannot trust a man who says “When life gives you lemmas, prove complex theorems.” I despise ridiculous mathematics musings.


Consider this egg: boiled.

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