The Fault in Our Feathers: A satirical take on the university’s goose shortage.

Flaws are a natural consequence of any relationship, and between Eastern and its students, there are many flaws. One of the most popular flaws of Eastern University is that of the geese that take pleasure in invading campus. 

This year is different however, as the geese have decided that more action should be taken to ensure a safer year between geese and students, and to achieve a higher approval rating amongst the geese. 

As many students may have already noticed, there is a significant lack of geese on campus in comparison to previous years. 

All of this is to say, the geese want more from us. More financial compensation, more fearful reactions from students, more fulfilment. 

To discuss these new criteria, the geese requested a meeting with the President of Eastern University, Dr. Ronald Matthews.

In this meeting, to gain credibility, the geese stacked themselves on top of each other, hiding the tomfoolery under a large trench coat, with their leader, Mother Goose, atop the stack. 

With Mother Goose leading the negotiations, the meeting began on September 31st at 9:30 a.m. in President Matthews’s office. 

“We need more from this establishment” said Mother Goose in a hasty beginning to the negotiations. 

“Who are you and what are you doing in my office?” was Dr. Matthew’s reply. Needless to say, the meeting did not go well. 

As the geese continued their attempt at a meeting, Matthews grew increasingly annoyed at the breaking and entering of his office. Public safety was called to the scene, but the geese left on their own a few hours before their arrival. 

“I have never felt so disrespected before in my life” said Mother Goose after dismounting from the stack of geese. “I will get my payback”

Following the meeting, the geese held a brief protest on campus to gauge the reactions they would receive from being back on campus. After watching a group of freshmen run away in terror, they almost considered staying for the year, but it just was not enough. 

Soon after, a group of geese from neighboring University, Cabrini, showed up to back up the Eastern geese mafia. The geese surrounded Matthews’s car until he caved into their demands. 

Following the negotiations, administration agreed to admit more freshmen both this year and for upcoming years, increasing the number of individuals who can be scared by the geese. “We enjoy hearing the screams of unsuspecting new students,” said a goose representative who asked to remain anonymous. 

The addition of a new goose path has also been ordered to allow the geese freedom to defecate more freely around campus, and provide more opportunities for students to ruin their shoes whilst on their way to classes. Construction is set to begin and finish in September of 2047. 

On top of the other met demands, the geese will also be allowed to feast on the remains of food scraps thrown out after meal times from Sodexo. The geese declined said offer, but appreciated the gesture. 

The geese have been perusing Eastern for as long as they can remember, and as they become more aggressive, so do the students who have evolved to stand up to them. Students have even gone so far as to bully said geese through one of Eastern’s many meme accounts, @easterngeese.

While many worried that the account would stir up issues with the geese, it turns out that the geese actually love the attention.

“I saw cousin Larry on the meme account a few months ago!” said Mother Goose in an interview. “I’ve been a follower ever since, I love seeing these candid images of my family!”