The Eastern Radish: A Family Letter

     As many are aware, the holiday season, filled with exuberance and cheer, can be socially overwhelming and, quite frankly, too much to handle for some. An Eastern University student reportedly opted for a more introvert-friendly approach and emailed out this letter to his extended family members instead of attending their annual New Year’s Day reunion. He claims this letter was drafted when he realized he had no desire to update his family about his lackluster plans for his future and would rather send his mediocre news in any medium but face-to-face. Many of his friends and fellow classmates were instantly intrigued by this idea and plan to follow suit for their next family gatherings.

     My dearest extended family,

     I send my regards and regret to inform you this email stands in place of my presence at our annual New Year’s Day reunion. This letter is being distributed to each and every one of you to address and attempt to answer all the questions you would have otherwise cornered me to ask.

     Firstly, no, I still do not have a girlfriend. I know I got everybody’s hopes up about that possibility at Thanksgiving, but that “possibility” is now happily dating my student chaplain. I’m open to further questions about this come Easter, but I am not yet open to jokes. Save them for Thanksgiving. Secondly, I have once again switched my major. I know the first switch from social work to youth ministry came as a rather big shock to you all, so I hope this news isn’t too jolting. I recently found out that unfortunately many of the courses required for a youth ministry major are 8 a.m. classes, and therefore I am physically unable to attend them. I am now exploring a degree in music education, since I discovered that there is almost always available parking near our music building, Workman Hall. I am still in search of which instrument I will focus on. I invite suggestions via text or email, not by phone. I don’t answer phone calls.

     Thirdly, my roommate is just as aggravating as ever. Last Thursday, I noticed my sheet on his bed. When I inquired about this, he defended his case by saying that he turned it inside out so it would still be clean upon my request for return. He also decided to join the Ultimate Frisbee Club that I am a part of. He still calls it the Ultimate Frisbee Club even though every other member simply refers to it as Ultimate. Every time he says all those words, I cringe.

     Finally, I send a friendly reminder that I am still welcoming care packages in the mail. My address hasn’t changed. If you’re hesitant to send due to lack of creative ideas, some starting suggestions would include snacks, money and gift cards. Anything else (within reason) is warmly accepted as well.

     Enjoy the party, and know I’m there in spirit. Everybody get an extra scoop of Aunt Stacy’s mac and cheese for me.

     Cheers! Your Nephew.

     —Your beloved nephew