News Flash! Russia starts a cold war with the U.S., Gas prices skyrocket and America looks more and more divided. Who knows, by the time this is published we might be in the middle of World War III.
But do not be afraid my friends, it is at times like these that we can turn our eyes to our leaders, especially Congress, the historic body formed from the very best of our nation. Many have lost faith in this institution. The factions and divisions that have torn its soul to shreds of partisanship, are indeed disheartening.
Yet, today I can bring you good news. The Senate, the governing body that is now formed of individuals who would all kill each other in duels, if duels were still legal, have decided to put down their weapons and step across the aisle in a gesture of peace.
You may wonder, what momentous occasion is the cause for such unity? After all, neither a global pandemic, nor a fight against racism, nor protecting our borders, nor police reform, nor protecting freedom of speech, nor limiting freedom of speech, nor confirming supreme court justices, nor increasing their own power, nor watching sports, nor ending a prayer has been able to add the smallest speck of unity to the Senate.
It would seem that the Senate might unify if we had a World War III. Actually, I just lied, they definitely would not. In fact, only a week ago I would have made the argument that unity was impossible, but I must humbly admit that I was quite wrong. On March 15, the Senate unanimously passed a bill. What was it that brought the Senate together? It was spring ahead…
Yes, we are passing a bill to eternally remain in spring ahead time. I can’t really complain about the bill. I will definitely miss fall backs, but spring aheads are thoroughly disgusting. I feel like anything that causes us to be unified must be a good thing, at least hopefully. Sadly, we can’t get our hopes up too soon. The bill still has a long way to go because it still must pass the House of Representatives and then be signed by President Biden.
I honestly wonder why this is at the forefront of our Senate’s agenda. Are things not as bad as they seem? Or perhaps this is a power move, to show the American people that the Senate is still in control? Perhaps it is to show the American people that the Senate is still boss: look, they can even make laws about time!
If this is a piece of legislation along these lines, I have a proposal. Why not just eliminate spring ahead, but keep fall back? Nobody likes spring ahead and everyone loves fall back. This would be the most appealing bill of all time. I know you’re thinking, “Christian, you can’t just add an hour every year. Where would you get it?” I beg to differ. After all, we print money, and we don’t worry about its value. What if we treated time the same way? Just think about that for a second.
Adaelle Stobie 
Miss Information 
Katherine Thomas