Pride and Prejudice and Zombies becomes required reading

Do you know exactly where to shoot a zombie to kill it? Have you familiarized yourself with the different types of zombies? Have you painstakingly planned out defense strategies for the inevitable zombie apocalypse?

If you answered no to any of these questions, you are in for a long and miserable existence of hunting brains and smelling like rotting flesh.

A recent study conducted by Eastern has found that the majority of Eastern students are ill prepared for the impending zombie breakout. Because of this unfortunate truth, Eastern faculty members have made the decision to include “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” on the list of required reading for all students.

This novel, written by Seth Grahame-Smith, is a masterfully crafted literary introduction to the world of the living dead. In between the front and back covers, one can find prose, eloquence, drama and zombie survival skills.

While all of Eastern’s staff is in agreement that a zombie apocalypse is inevitable, this decision does not come without controversy. There is disagreement regarding exactly how to deal with zombies.

Philosophy professor Edmond P. Jones has started a “Zombies Are People, Too” campaign based on his idea that “a zombie’s right to brains equates to a living person’s right to food.”

“Who are we to dictate who has a right to life… or un-life?” he said. “Zombies Are People Too” T-shirts will soon go on sale outside the dining commons.

It is the hope of Eastern faculty and staff that making “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” required reading will give students an important foundation upon which to build a gleaming tower of zombie preparedness. Plans are in the works for a semester-long zombie preparedness class in which students will study such literature as “The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead” and “World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War,” both by Max Brooks.

Junior Ted Walker, when asked what he would do in the event of a zombie breakout, said, “Um, I guess I would hide in a bathroom with a gun and shoot any zombies in the heart.”

Wrong on two counts, my friend. In a bathroom, there’s only one way in. If your only exit is being blocked by hungry zombies, you’re done for. Also, always aim for the brain when attacking a zombie.

If this ignorant response is any indication of the greater Eastern population, it is apparent that we have a long way to go before we are ready for the Zombie apocalypse. Making “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” required reading is one baby step in the right direction.