Dear Freshmen:
Let me be the 25th or even 62nd person to tell you, “Welcome to Eastern University!” Here at Eastern University, one of the most visually beautiful places in Pennsylvania, we have a wide range of facilities to offer you. We have one library, one theatre stage, two observatories, two gyms, and four sports fields. We also have a dining commons and the Breezeway, if you want more food. Every edge of our campus is easily accessible from the residence halls. All it takes is ten minutes of walking, and crossing no less than one bridge. I’m sure you will enjoy your college experience here at Eastern University.
Alright, congratulations to you (yes you) who is still reading this. You are about to receive some great tips on how to make your years here at Eastern University that much better. Let me start with classes, and how to prepare for them. Always have extra paper. The professors here love to make the students write, so it would makes sense to have paper for you to write on, right? You don’t have to buy (or rent) any novels or fictional reading for any of your classes. The campus library definitely has enough paper copies of Frankenstein, Candide, and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. The library also has older copies of textbooks, and two reserve copies of the INST 150 infamously famous Faith Unraveled. Lastly, if you have a question in class, ask your professor immediately. You will gain insight on the class topic, offer knowledge to your fellow classmates, and possibly change a professor’s disposition to the topic. Few things here are more satisfying than hearing that your comment or question has permanently affected the way the professor teaches the course.
Let’s talk facilities. The library, as mentioned earlier, is one of the greatest places on campus. It contains books, articles, and student papers on any subject or course you will take. The media room, located on the third floor past the computers, contains a myriad of over 1,000 DVDs. It’s a diverse collection of revered classics, fan favorites, memorable blockbusters, movies so bad they are good, and foreign masterpieces you do not yet know about, but soon will never forget.
The dining commons is not only a great place to socialize with friends and strangers, but it also occasionally serves edible food. If you keep an eye out for delicacies, you will never have to partake of our poor excuse for pizza. On Friday mornings, get a freshly made omelette from Dave. If you get noodles with nothing on them, go over to the salad bar, put cheese and bacon on it, and place it in the microwave for 30 to 45 seconds. This trick also works on most of the food. Also, check out the desserts early, because the best items vanish fast.
Travel around campus is also difficult. It helps to think of campus as a triangle. There are the dorms (Gallup, Gough, Hainer, Kea-Guffin) the classrooms and the Dining commons, and Eagle and Sparrowk. Walking from one end of the triangle to another should take about ten minutes (15-20 if you are social, 30 if you stop and watch the turtles). Most of the hidden shortcuts are not faster than the paths. These shortcuts often spit you out at the bizarrest of places on campus, and they are not helpful for triangular travel. They are, however, incredibly useful in cut-throat games of Humans vs. Zombies. Lastly, while you are walking, make sure to say “hello.”
If you keep this information in mind, it will improve your stay here at Eastern University by at least 75 percent. If you have any more questions, please email me at the link in the title above.
Grace Nealy 
Jason Karch 
Daniel Finegan