Dear Friends,
I hope you all had a great time at Homecoming, catching up with old friends, eating some sweet food and watching some intense games. (By the way, nice job men’s soccer. That overtime period was ridiculous.)
While I also enjoyed the festivities, there is one thing that is still bothering me: Why wasn’t I named Homecoming King? I mean, come on people, who better to wear the crown than yours truly.
No offense to Mr. Hufnal, but I had the title wrapped up. Unfortunately, my faithful fan club was unaware of the couple hours when nominations were open and there was no write-in option on the ballot. Alas, there was nothing I could do but sit on the hill and watch as someone else got the honor I obviously observed. And the name-painted-on-chests adoration.
Why would I have been the best Homecoming King Eastern has ever seen? Do I seriously even need to answer that? Who else knows Eastern as well as I do? After all, I am the guy who knows everything.
I am not only known by everyone on campus, but I’ve pretty much experienced all the good, and bad, stuff Eastern has to offer, including that power outage. I have my hand in just about every club and organization and am an avid fan at all sporting events. Professors LOVE me and I occasionally hit up a round of golf with my buddy, the Eagle.
To top it off, I have a custom-made pair of EU footie pajamas that I wear every night. You really can’t get more devoted than that people (but I am working on a matching Snuggie).
If looks are a big factor for some of you ladies out there, you know my picture screams tall, dark and handsome, with the additional, but crucial, mysterious quality thrown in there. I thought that I still had a chance to claim the king title at the dance with my specialty suit, which would have easily accentuated my debonair looks, but those black lights just were not as prominent as I had hoped.
On a more serious note, I’m the voice of reason on this campus, which just happens to be one of the three key factors in Eastern’s mission statement. If you want to know what’s really going on, I’ll tell you, no strings attached. There are no hidden agendas here, just pure Walt.
What would I have done as King? Better question would have been, what wouldn’t I do? I really would have fixed everything. Here are just a few of the entries on my “If I were King” checklist: open KaGe, find someone to pay off the waterwheel restoration, make friends with the neighbors and get lights on the field, free easy rider combos for everyone, make the ponds smell better, cure cancer and H1N1, add a parking garage with a swimming pool and figure out a way to steal the letters on Cabrini’s engraved sign.
As if all this were not enough reason to make me king, please remember that there’s a building and a school publication named after me. You really can’t be more involved than that. They should really just change my name to Mr. Eastern. Wait a second…
Alright ladies and gents, I think I’ve figured out a way to reclaim my honor as Eastern’s main man. I’ll see you all on Oct. 29 in the Dining Commons. Until then, I have to brush up on my lip-synching skills.
– Walt
Colin Tomczak 
Kylie Smith 
Ella Curcuruto