Eastern University, like every college, has its problems. Retention rates, power outages and outdated residence halls are common complaints, but no complaint comes up more frequently than parking. Eastern’s rapidly expanding student population means the small parking lots are filling up, and fast. In the three years I have been here, I have witnessed the number of open parking spaces diminish every semester. This headache has generated various ideas: Building a parking garage, cracking down on parking violations and revoking freshmen’s privilege of bringing a car to campus have all been proposed. But we are forgetting the simplest solution to this problem, which is to destroy all parking lots on campus.
This change would benefit every party at Eastern University. The administration would be able to breathe more deeply knowing that the most frequent complaint is taken care of. Instead of the mundane task of ticketing cars breaking policy, Public Safety could use the extra time for more Wawa trips. Students who break parking policies would be able to save money, by not paying for any tickets. And the students who do pay for a parking pass would save $345 a year!
Our current parking lots fly in the face of Eastern’s mission and values. Without any parking lots at all, we would not have the problem of some being able to park in a reasonable place while others have to park all the way at the back of Upper McInnis. This would be a great leveling act that would render all students, faculty and commuters equally frustrated. After all, why should some get nice spots and others no spot at all? Are we not all equal in the eyes of God?
Parking lots are not only an eyesore, they contribute to the climate crisis facing our planet. Countless trees are torn down to construct parking lots, and cars contribute greatly to the pollution of the environment. Electric cars are no better–the hefty lithium batteries used to make them possible are notoriously difficult to dispose of, not to mention that the electricity used to power them is often from coal or gas anyway. Therefore, we need to burn all of the parking lots to the ground and outcast anyone who drives cars. Abolishing parking lots is far from a radical solution–it is the only rational solution in a burning world. Ecoterrorism? I prefer the term “Eco-terrified about the ramifications of climate change.”
Students and faculty alike have grown spoiled with the usage of cars. On a walkable campus, students use cars to get to dinner, to class or to a friend’s dorm. To encourage students to walk around campus again, we must take extreme measures and suspend all parking altogether. Walking would promote health across campus, making for a healthier, happier community. We do not want to become a community that looks like the humans in “WALL-E,” do we? In a country battling obesity, the only logical solution is to burn parking lots to the ground.
In spite of my several rock-solid reasons for getting rid of all Eastern’s parking lots, I can already anticipate the common objections. Where would all the commuters, faculty and staff park, you ask? Well, there are a couple of simple answers to this. The first answer is do not bring a car. No parking lots would incentivize people to take advantage of America’s dazzling, world-class public transportation infrastructure. If people cannot use public transportation for whatever made-up reason, biking is an option that helps to save the planet and your body. The roads around Eastern are perfectly conducive to biking–just look at those generously wide biking lanes!
Still need a car? All those who cannot use other methods to get to campus would simply use street parking along King of Prussia Road and Eagle Road! There’s plenty of room on the shoulders of those roads. If, by some strange chance, street parking is not possible, Church of the Savior parking lot is always an option! Public Safety would be able to easily make stops to pick up commuters and faculty on their way back from Wawa.
Overall, abolishing parking lots is the only logical solution to the parking problem Eastern faces. Clearly, parking lots pose more problems than they solve. Only by burning all of Eastern’s parking lots to the ground can we truly live in accordance with our values, benefit all parties, save the planet and make Eastern healthy again. I have even taken the liberty to outline a comprehensive plan for commuting, just as a bonus. If you still disagree with me, I hope you have funding for a shiny new parking garage to back it up.
Colin Tomczak 
Eva Whited