Due to earth-shattering new research, it has become clear that the tables have been turned on overprotective mothers everywhere. This new research has revealed that the most effective study technique for high school and college students is one that those students employ already– the all-nighter.
A recent neurological study by Dr. Ida N. Tsleep reveals that all-nighters have increased productivity, energy and caffeine dependence– all universally acknowledged positives. “It was incredible!” Dr. Tsleep said in an interview with Procrastinators Anonymous, “My findings contradict all previous research and sociological norms.” She goes on to say, “My work shows that Cortisol and adrenaline are both increased by staying awake the full twenty four hours that consist within a day.” Tsleep and her assistant Bob Bobburg conducted experiments with 300 college and high school students. Each of them had electrodes attached to their heads and were put in a room with a pile of homework, a coffee bar and a water container for three nights and told not to sleep. According to Professor Bobburg, “Out of the 300 students surveyed, 50 gave out after only one night, 50 made it through two, and the 200 reported increased focus and all 200 managed to complete all of the homework. In addition, only 30 of those passed out from sleep deprivation! It’s a miracle of science!” Professor Bobburg did mention in passing “that off the record” (whatever that means) 270 of the students had filed a lawsuit for “obvious reasons.”
The caffeine empires of the world also have occasion to rejoice. “With this new research, caffeine consumption could increase by 252.45%!” Cassie Bean, the founder of Hyper Pieper Coffee said, at 2x speed. “More people will be encouraged to partake in the healing and helpful and not-at-all-detrimental-to-your-health benefits of drinking coffee multiple times every day!” After Bean was taken away in an ambulance due to her seventh heart attack this year, I turned to other outlets for research. In hopes of gaining more insight into this groundbreaking new research, I asked some of my fellow Eastern students their views on this issue. I struck gold when talking to student Keeler Mulder. Keeler had… a lot to say. “So, like sleeping is, like, actually optional. When you have so many things to do and you only have like so many hours in the day, just remember that the day is actually a mental construct. We divided seconds and minutes into increments of time, but time is like just already happened, so like, what are we doing? What are we doing? Like there’s only 24 hours in the day, but like we invented the 24 hours in the day, so we can just fix it. Like we conquered the sunset, we made lights! Man created fire, so that we can pull all nighters; so we can work. Farmers get up early in the morning, before the sun rises, to do work. If I have so many papers due, sleep isn’t an option and, fun fact about all nighters, you get to a certain point like, yeah, you’re tired and you could drop dead. You could fall asleep at any minute, but you’re also very alive, like at a certain point, you stop getting tired; that’s not even what it’s called. You just wake up a little bit and then you just have to do it [the homework]. It could also be because all your friends abandon you because they’re tired. They fall asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane, but sometimes we need to sweat blood over our papers,” this eloquent student spouted. He left me quite dazzled for a half hour afterward. Another student, Ada Steinburg, gave a more succinct answer. She explained that pulling an all-nighter “helps because you feel like you are in a trance. It is like transcendence.” Another student, who prefers to remain anonymous, was extremely skeptical about the idea. “My best advice is just no. Don’t pull an all-nighter. It’s not worth it,” Anonymous said. This is not cool. Do not be like Anonymous. This all-new research indicates that all-nighters are the best thing you can do for your schoolwork and your grades, and, unlike Anonymous, I am planning to pitch in on the excitement.
As soon as I take a nap.
Colin Tomczak 
Eva Whited