I’m a simple guy. The sun is out, I go for a stroll. I find a nice patch of grass, I lay down in it. I find some nice plants, I take them home to make it a little cozier for me and my loved ones. These are some of the important, simplistic things in life, I think.
My family has resided in Wayne for as long as I can remember. All through the seasons— the breezy spring, the humid summer, the dreamy fall, the dark winters—we’re here, trying to enjoy the simple pleasures of life in each moment as they arrive. It’s a beautiful, rhythmic life.
You know what is neither beautiful nor rhythmic? The playlist of radio remixes I hear every morning at 7 a.m. We might also consider the aluminum cans of red bull or some other nonsense in the ponds. (My buddy Sheldon tells me it’s been a real problem for the turtles, not to mention the chairs they have to navigate. Chairs. Chairs in the pond. What are we doing?) Let me not forget the, shall we say, phallic symbols left on the sidewalks and in the snow. At first I didn’t notice them—until I sent out the last of my Christmas cards and noticed the background of my family photos. Thank you, whoever you are. Your artwork was sent to all my friends and family.
Let me just say, we don’t have these problems in the summer. My family and I go for walks and there’s no trash to be found. We wake up early, and it’s blissfully quiet. The plants bloom unharmed. Our favorite spot with the grass and dirt mound isn’t being trampled all the time. There are fewer cars, so it’s safer for my kids to go out and play.
The only difference is that the students leave.
I’m not saying students don’t have a place here, of course not! But I do wonder how much of a place they really want to have. Why take up so much space in a beautiful place when you’re inside scribbling or typing away the day? You miss the breeze, the worms, the conversations. You could be inside anywhere—anywhere else.
As my fellow Canadian, Joni Mitchell, once said, “They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.” So they did, and I hear the parking lot is not even big enough! Why bother at all? Why have all these new constructions happening, all these places of paradise being paved over to create more parking lots? (I know right now the construction is for new buildings, but follow the metaphor.) We didn’t need more!
We geese have talked to the administration about our concerns, and they said these changes are a necessary response to the increase in undergraduate enrollment. I asked why we couldn’t just keep enrollment within the capacity of the buildings already existing, but they said something about finances and stability and other schools closing. It was a lot of silly, meaningless things humans get caught up in.
(Do you all know “money” is made up? It’s just paper, sometimes metal but I hear you don’t use that very much anymore. Maybe it’s plastic now. But it’s not real. You don’t need to trade it for food. You can find food usually growing or living in the ground or even the water if you look hard enough. There’s even a garden on campus that the students could cultivate and don’t! But I digress.)
The solution to me seems clear. If it’s the students that are making the mess, that are requiring more buildings, that are bringing more cars, that are making all the noise, they should just go home. They did it before! I don’t know why they came back. They have all these “online” classes now, but they’re still here making a mess in our home.
Please don’t mistake me for some sort of prejudiced gander, the kind that you might call an ugly word like bigot. I love people. I consider myself very friendly towards them, especially the ones that are a little…different. I’m very good friends with that guy who pretends to be an eagle.
Maybe this example would be helpful. Have you ever had a houseguest that stayed just a little too long? They walked with their shoes on inside your house, maybe sat on your bed with their outside clothes on, acted like your dog was gross, and said they didn’t like any of your snacks? After a little while, you try to subtly, politely signal to them that they should go home, but they don’t understand and instead make themselves at home. That’s what these students are like.
Again, please don’t misunderstand me. I’m very glad the students feel comfortable and welcomed here. But it’s my home. It’s the other geese’s home. The students should go to their homes. There they can enjoy all the pavement, disposable goods, and insulated walls they want. It’s a brave new world—they might get a virtual job, too, and then they’d never have to leave their house at all!
It just seems like this would be the best solution for all parties involved. Students can go home to live their lives soundtracked by radio remixes from 2016, and we geese can live our lives according to the rhythms of the seasons. I don’t think that would be so bad.
Colin Tomczak 
Eva Whited