AUTHOR: Calvin Butler, email: calvin.butler@eastern.edu
New information was acquired by the WaltOnion that descendants of the family of the late Charles Walton came across pictures of the updated renovation of the Charles Walton mansion located here on Eastern’s Campus. Walton was a man who taught Sunday school, founded one church and two charity organizations, served on the local School Board, was involved with the YMCA, created scholarships for college students and provided a home for returning missionaries and inner city children. He passed away the day after Christmas in 1916. Eastern University purchased his old estate, which became the St. Davids campus we all know and love.
The use of the mansion is now Walton Hall, currently used for the campuses Dining Commons, Mail Room, Career Development Office and other branches of the university. But after seeing the pictures of how Eastern is now using the old mansion, the university received messages from one of Walton’s descended grandchildren, named Jane S. Listless. She claims what the university has done with the mansion is “Foolish,” and finished the message by saying “I plan to get my family mansion back.”
Listless states that she wants to “inherit [her] family’s history starting off with taking [her] family’s mansion back.” She claims the mansion would make a wonderful home for her family, including her husband John Listless and their eight kids, four daughters and four boys. Currently, all are living together in a home not too far from Allentown, Pennsylvania. John has a famous website based off of bashing dog and cat lovers called “crapondomesticatedcreatures.com”. Jane Listless also owns a famous website bashing cake and ice cream lovers called “gateau&gelatorumpconsumers.com”. These accounts host idiotic campaigns to bring assemblies of their followers once a month.
In response, Eastern has returned an ironically stated message back to Jane Listless, calling her remarks “foolish,” proclaiming that Eastern has been using the mansion longer than she has been living. The university ended their statement saying “These remarks made by you, Jane, are from complete severe boredom.” However, Eastern has also invited Jane Listless and her family to come to the Dining Commons and enjoy a bite to eat. They also mockingly sent her a doggy basket full of doggy treats, dog toys and more, along with a cat lovers basket full of treats, cat outfits, kitty litter and more. The baskets were both labeled with a note stating “For John.” In addition, Eastern sent two five hundred dollar gift cards to Cold Stone and Magnolia’s Bakery in New York City. It came with a message saying “You and the Family shouldn’t use all the credits in one visit. P.S. How Did John Like the Baskets?”. This is Eastern’s way of showing their appreciation while still conveying our motto Faith, Reason and Justice. We are still hopeful as a university to welcome the Walton that turned into a Listless to come and have a meal from our Dining Commons and a nice cool drink from our Eagle’s Nest right after.
