Harmless editor, or dangerous mob boss?

If you’ve been around campus, you’ve probably seen her: brown hair, bewitching smile, a strange obsession with oranges. You may see her working at Zime, you may be in a class with her, you may even work for her, as she whom I am describing is the editor-in-chief of the newspaper you hold in your hands. But the teddy bear-like exterior of Hannah Bonanducci thinly hides her true nature: a dangerous crime lord. How do I know this? Well, my poor ignorant reader, follow me as I reveal everything. –

According to my extensive research and an unhealthy obsession with “The Godfather,” all Italians are mobsters. Bonanducci is Italian, and therefore, a mobster. Q.E.D.

Wait, that didn’t convince you? Her brainwashing may be even more pervasive than I thought. I must use even more powerful arguments to cut through all the lies and deception.

Bonanducci is very short. As we all know, short people are naturally bitter because of their inferiority. So why is she always smiling? There can only be one explanation: her smile is a lie designed to trick us into a false sense of security. Why would she do this? Because she has something to hide.

What is she hiding? Well, let’s examine the evidence. She works at the campus coffee, which is an ideal place to spy on people. She runs the school newspaper, a perfect cover to secretly spread propaganda and brainwashing. As you can see from the photo above, her arm is covered in mysterious tattoos. Now, what kind of people spy, lie, and have tattoos? Criminals! And not just any old criminals: those involved in mobs! 

And here’s the nail in the coffin: Bonanducci means “good leader” in Italian. But “good leader” of what? The answer is clear: THE MAFIA! 

Now everything makes sense. The Waltonian, our beautiful and venerable newspaper, is being usurped for nefarious purposes by this criminal menace. Who knows what Bonanducci’s ultimate goals are, but we must overthrow her and replace her with someone more trustworthy. I’ve heard the Irish are very law-abiding and honest. Especially those surnamed Finegan.