Eastern has announced a new policy to be put in place requiring graduating students to prove they are engaged in order to partake in commencement. This will become official come the 2026-2027 school year.
The Center for Academic Relationship Establishment (CARE) describes proof of engagement as a tangible ring and receipt from a jeweler, a meeting between an academic advisor and the student’s fiance or proof of a down payment on a wedding venue.
This new policy is putting pressure on students to meet and mingle, so much so that CARE has hired a professional matchmaker. The matchmaking office will replace the Waltonian office in Guffin, relocating the Waltonian to the single-stall bathroom on the second floor of McInnis Hall.
For some students, this is exciting news. Many young hearts are eager to find their forever person. For others, it is a painful reminder of that one boyfriend they thought would be the one but turned out to be the most self-centered, arrogant prick to ever walk the face of God’s green earth and stabbed them in the back despite everything they did for them for two years.
Despite concerns from both awkward students and protective parents alike, Eastern assures its community that this is a major upgrade to graduation requirements. In CARE’s official opening newsletter, they addressed these concerns. “Birth rates are down, and the economy is a mess. Pairing up students before graduation (kind of) ensures they will be able to (hopefully) afford a place to live and uphold traditional family values and practices, which is certainly what every 18-22 year old is hoping to do these days,” they said.
One frequently asked question from students is, what if there is a breakup shortly before graduation, and the graduate is no longer engaged? If the student can prove that the breakup is the fault of a controlling parent breathing down their fiance’s neck, making them into the worst possible version of themself, they may still graduate. What really matters is that it is always his father’s fault.
It is important to note that students may also be engaged to people from outside of Eastern’s community. That being said, it’s time to hop on Tinder, Bumble or basically anything other than Facebook Dating! Nothing good ever comes from Facebook Dating.
Reach out, get connected and get your ring before spring!
