Safety is always a high priority on college campuses. However, it is my pleasure to buck all your safety concerns, because our security is being revamped! Over the summer of 2025, a whole new security team will be taking the reins. I’m sure that you all have many questions about this new scenario, so allow me to help you resolve your queries.
Who will make up this new security team? Our longtime residents, deerly beloved friends, and trusted advisors, the campus deer community!
The deer watch carefully from the trees, which will make it easier for them to catch any suspicious activity. They’re naturally quick and responsive creatures and have been living on this campus for longer than any of us students, so they know the ins and outs of its landscape, allowing them to traverse it easily and speedily to be at your service. They’re always around if you need them, so you’ll never be without support. In case of storms, extreme ice conditions, or other difficult circumstances that might make it difficult for you to walk across campus, our bucks will be at your behest to give you a ride to your dorm, the Dining Commons, or, your next class. Furthermore, should you ever lose something in the grass as you enjoy the lovely spread of our campus, a new feature of our security team is their ability to chow down the grass covering your missing item
If you’ve spent much time walking around campus in the quiet hours of the afternoon, early evening, or even late on autumn nights, you’ve probably met many of our newest officers. You’ve probably noticed that they’re a little bit shy. They don’t enjoy loud noises, or students coming too close to them. They prefer to look on from the woods, keeping a watchful eye out for any surprises that might come their way. You won’t even notice that they’re anywhere near you, but they’ll always be only a shout away if you need them!
As we’ve been announcing this change, I’ve been asked many times by students: how will I get to the train station if deer take over public safety? They can’t drive! Never fear, deerly beloved, our fine four-legged friends are in the process of training to either carry you to your destination, or to pull you!
During the training process, we came to the realization that the deer would not be able to drive any cars or vans. The deer seemed to be running into an issue with gripping the wheel. And, we learned the hard way that none of our bucks can be allowed in a car, as their antlers did a number to the ceiling. The does, unfortunately, also made for poor drivers. Their minds were simply in other places whenever we tried to teach them. So, we will no longer be offering driving services from the security team. This should put you at ease, however, as we will be conserving far more carbon emissions and chemical waste as a university by not using cars!
So, you might ask, how will I get places? There will be four main means of transportation. Currently, the bucks are in training for riding, so that you can at least hop on the back of these sturdy rapscallions, and still make your train departure on time. If you are looking to travel somewhere with other people, might I suggest a novel transportation idea: the chariot. An elite force of our deer security team is indeed being trained for this, and will soon be ready to pull you anywhere you need to go in a gilded, stunning chariot. This will come with a small fee of one apple per deer, simply to help the deer restore their energy before their next trip. During the wintertime, sleigh rides will be offered instead of chariot transportation at a minimal fee of one large carrot per deer. If you are unable to attain carrots or apples, the new security team will also be offering cart rides.
How did this happen? Now, I know you all didn’t see this coming. I didn’t either. However, I can only suggest that in the wake of this fascinating situation, you do not fret! The deer kindly offered to take on the role of public safety because they are indeed the most well-equipped for such a job. Of course, the administration would never force such a duty upon them. The deer recognized that with all the vegetation they consume, they ought to give back somehow to the university. So, over the winter break, they met with our head of school, President Matthews, and orchestrated this glorious take-over of the security team. It seemed to be quite the expedient exchange, and so here we are.
I’m sure that by now, you’re convinced of the expediency of utilizing our friendly, neighborhood population of deer as our new public safety officers! I know that I am!
However, if you have any questions, concerns, or comments, please leave a message by the stream in front of Sparrowk Hall, preferably carved into an apple or carrot. There will be a small chance that the message will be eaten before the deer read it, but I assure you, your thoughts will be highly valued by our new security team!
Colin Tomczak 
Eva Whited