Putting the “water” in watermelon

As fall is now upon us, I thought there was no better time to talk about a fantastic water sport. I played this game during my time in Boy Scouts, so I have first-hand experience of greased watermelon. Greased watermelon is a game played in the water with teams where you try to get a – surprise surprise – greased watermelon into the opposing team’s goal. The watermelon cannot be lifted above the water surface.

You might think that this sounds rather similar to water polo. However, as we all know, playing sports with fruits makes them 300% more fun, and playing sports with slippery things is 175% more enjoyable, so greased watermelon is 475% more fun than water polo. 

One of the great things about this game is its simplicity. You don’t need some fancy balls or gadgets, or a rulebook the size of Les Miserables. You just need a melon, grease (e.g., sunscreen, leftover butter, Crisco, etc.), and a nice body of water. For the price of one melon and some slippery stuff, we could have a greased watermelon tournament at Eastern! And we are having perfect weather for it too: you can play in the pond, then get a doctor’s note to miss class for hypothermia. 

Having played this game before, I can attest that it is indeed fun. The difficulty of holding onto the melon adds a layer of chaos and excitement. As far as I can remember, there were also no injuries. The best part was this: after we finished the game, we broke the watermelon and ate it. 

Unfortunately, there does not seem to be any sort of community dedicated to this sport, as a Google search yielded sparse results. It seems to have only a meager player base, and there are no world championships of the like. It is moments like this that make me truly ashamed of the human race. Will no one take up the mantle, and be a missionary for greased watermelon? Imagine an Olympics where such a simple yet sophisticated game was played, wowing audiences and convincing young boys and girls that they too can be a champion greased watermelon player.

We here at Eastern have the ability and the responsibility to rescue such elegant sports from the depths of obscurity. Is there anything better to do on a brisk autumn day than to play Greased Watermelon with your friends? I didn’t think so. Dust off your bathing suits, clear your schedule, pick a pond, avoid security and inject some fruity fun into your life.