The Eastern Beet: Eastern Named the Twelfth Most Altruistic Christian College

Feat. Greg Sobocinski

WALTON DINING COMMONS — After the immense honor of being named the Third Most Beautiful Christian College Campus, Eastern University has recently been awarded with yet another honorable title. As of March 14th, Eastern has been named the Twelfth Most Altruistic Christian College. The source of this accreditation is traced back to an extreme instance of “simply caring.”

At approximately 6:04 PM on Friday, March 13th, during peak hours in the Walton Dining Commons, two aloof male students entered the dessert room, reportedly “to look for a snack.” In the incident, two students defied societal convention and shared a slice of Oreo pie. Allegedly, both students lunged for the last slice of pie at the same time. The taller student, who wishes to remain anonymous due to his sasquatch-like appendages, reached the pie first, but after a few seconds of struggle the males decided to split the pie right down the center.

The other male student, Brent Prouse, who was visibly tired from the struggle, was asked to comment on how long he had waited for the Oreo pie. “I usually hide out in the dessert room under the bagel table to get first dibs on any worthwhile desserts. Today, I sat Indian-style for almost four hours.” The struggle for the pie left an unanticipated mark on Prouse, who reflected, “Until this point, Oreo pie and karaoke have been my biggest loves, but now, it is the joy I get from sharing.”

When asked to speculate on the size of the piece of pie in question, sophomore Madeleine Harris said that she had trouble recalling. “I can’t really remember. I was so caught up in the humanitarianism,” she blurted out, between bites of a smaller piece of Oreo pie that someone had apparently shared with her.

This pie incident, referred to by the student body, faculty, and local pie enthusiasts as “The Oreo Pie Episode,” has created a lot of hubbub around the campus and has even made it into discussions in popular Eastern classes. The philosophy department debated the ethics of quantity vs. quality sharing, and in the kinesiology department there are talks of approving “full on kindness” as a valid dieting method.

The kindness epidemic has produced ripples throughout the Eastern community. People have begun generous giving sweaty sports socks, toothbrushes, half-eaten rutabagas, and other paraphernalia, all in the spirit of sharing. Soon the CCCU took notice, and Eastern rose up in the ranks to number twelve on the highly prestigious list of altruistic Christian colleges.

Some remain skeptical as to how genuine this sharing trend actually is and the health problems associated with such sharing. While initially, it seemed to be a win from all angles, more recent developments in the kindness movement have caused some concern among students. Freshman Joe Rivetti, who was lovingly gifted with a well-used Burt’s Bees lip balm, said, “People are sharing too much. It is simply unhealthy. I did need the chap-stick though.”

This kindness epidemic all started with an innocent piece of Oreo pie and there is really no telling when it will end. President Robert G. Duffett has yet to comment on the issue.

Eastern University has received a plaque with an engraved Oreo, which will be placed in the dessert room, to commemorate Eastern’s status as the Twelfth Most Altruistic Christian University.